Divorce settlement

[Anxious1975]

Hi, I have been trying to divorce my verbally abusive husband for a while but I get scared and back off when he demands 50/50 contact as I know my kids wouldn’t want that . I have been a sahm but have recently found some work from home that could turn into more hours I won an insurance claim so I am now able to use solicitor . He has now signed petition and is saying 50/50 everything ( I think he has spoken to a solicitor. How fair is this ? He has a high earning potential and can get a mortgage .

not enough info

need ages of kids, assets, ages of spouses, length of marriage, earnings

No one knows if it’s fair
It’s the starting point
Then will he argued in each direction based on need, children, and trying to put both parties on level footing

Lots of factors in the mix inc
Assets available ( inc pension)
Length of marriage
Ages of children
Earnings of both parties plus potential
You’ll be expected to maximise your income stream too

A solicitor will be able to advise you

Thanks. Kids are 7 and 10. We are 46 and 48 (him) the house isn’t mortgaged . Together ten years and married for nearly 7. It’s the contact I am very worried about , he is demanding 50/50 and won’t settle for less even though I do absolutely everything and he sleeps until 9am. All through covid he has been off and not done anything but apparently he is saying he is self employed and can do what he wants now . Kids will apparently be to weak with me as I don’t shout at them as much as he does ( for little things) it’s so stressful as he has always been verbally abusive .

Contact is completely different to financial settlement

What have you been doing in relation to contact since you split up?

We are still living in the same house . I do all
kids related stuff and he takes them out on a Sunday afternoon most of the time

Contact is separate
If he wants 50:50 then he’d probably get it unless you can clearly demonstrate why it’s not in their best interest ( fact you do everything now is largely irrelevant)
Does he really want it or is it his way of trying to give you no child maintenance ( which if he’s self employed could be a challenge anyway )

I don’t understand why it’s irrelevant if he hasn’t had time to do it now then why would he have time to do it in the future ? It’s not about maintenance for me it’s about the kids having to take his work stress when he doesn’t have time to deal with them . The kids can’t make any noise when he is working without him getting annoyed . He is doing it to hurt me most probably

Have I got no chance fighting 50/50? The kids really wouldn’t want this , the summer holidays was horrible as they got shouted at a lot with his work stress .

You'll probably find he argues for it now, but when the reality of sorting them in the morning, arranging his work around them, and not being able to go out in the evening when he wants to, just won't work for him and contact will drop off.

At the moment he goes out most nights to the pub for a few hours ! Wouldn’t I get less of a settlement if he goes for 50/50? He told me he will be able to buy a 3 bedroom and I wouldn’t as I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage on 50/50

I say it’s irrelevant not to diminish your efforts. But courts will look to his hours and flexibility and his ability to parent now, not judge on past. So say someone in the past worked 6 days a week 14 hour days but in divorce change their job to be a teacher which therefore meant they could have 50:50 that’s what would be looked at not the fact that they worked long hours when they were part of a family unit

Some men absolutely do step up and make 50:50 work
Some dont and can be motivated more around money and using it as a tool to reduce maintenance

What are your reasons for not doing 50:50?

I appreciate that it works for some families. My reasons are that he has a very bad temper ( especially when stressed ) and he gets very stressed with his job and it impacts on the children , they will get shouted at if they make any noise .I feel like we need to be out of the house all the time when he is working . He has been very abusive towards me and I don’t want that happening to the kids

For contact counter with a suggestion of the contact that you think the children want. Historically every other weekend and 1 midweek has been seen as acceptable. However courts tend to consider 50:50 strongly. If that is on the table you need to be clear that that means responsibility for all childcare on his days including during school holidays, all clothes including uniform on his days, all costs associated with the children.

For finances the starting point is generally 50:50 but the fact that your ex is a high earner and you are a very low earner should tip the division in your favour. Also your lack of ability to get a mortgage may be taken into account. If he has a pension you can also barter more capital now to help with your housing costs rather than pension sharing later. If you do that you need to be sure to work hard on your own pension in the future so that you are not struggling in your own old age.

Get some advice, be prepared for mediation and it not being very helpful. Don't give up too ,ugh, particularly out of fear from his abuse.

I don't think the children will be considered old enough to contribute to the decision about the amount of time with their dad but may be worth asking your lawyer just in case the 10 is seen ass old enough. But be careful about how that's done as it is very stressful for a child to feel like they have to make a difficult decision that might hurt their parents and they may also be afraid of consequences.

Thanks for the advice . When he got the petition he told the kids he F img hates me , my six year old told me. This is what I am up against . Even when I was very ill from my covid jab he couldn’t make the kids dinner as be was to busy with work ... he is now upstairs working when it was meant to be his day of spending time with the kids

Maybe you need a trial period -- OK, here are the kids for a week, see you next week?

Yes . He took three days off over summer and then didn’t do full days …

It's difficult. You may need /get forced to do 50:50 to begin with. Keep every piece of evidence of what you spend on school meals, uniform, doctor's appointments etc - it may be useful later. Talk to the school about your concerns and ask them to keep an eye on your children when they arrive from his days. It may well be all talk to annoy you and will break down when the practicalities begin anyway.
Financially, 50:50 is the starting point but neither of you should be left in the position not to be able to house your children - but that doesn't mean either of you will necessarily be able to buy a three-bedroom house or live how you used to.

Thanks . It’s so difficult , it took me so long to pluck up courage for divorce and his threats stopped me last time . I feel like in trying to get them away from his shouting and aggression I am giving him more time. My son really doesn’t what that much time ( he has over heard DH shouting about 50/50) he wants us to divorce but doesn’t want that much time with DH .