Separation after 21 years

[Catz444]

Been on the cards for quite a while. Things came to a head last week when I agreed we need to separate. But he said let's wait until after the holiday July 22. (planned holiday pre covid and rebooked due to covid). This holiday is for us 4 and pil. We have 2 DDs early teen and pre teen. He wants to see our dds get to Florida. Recently I saw a message he sent to his mate saying we were hanging on til after the holiday and then it was over between us. He doesn't know I seen this. I feel so sad for my daughter's and my marriage. But he wants to be able to go and come as he pleases, he never knows what's on the calendar unless I remind him and spends most of his time in his study/mancave. It's not just him though. I have not got feelings for him anymore so why would he hang around. We are like mates only. I would prefer to get stuff sorted now like selling the house, getting on with organising our lives apart. Should I just play happy family for the next 10 months? How do I go about telling dds?

You could, if you can remain amicable, split now get things sorted and still all go

My friend did that - in fact they get on better now they are divorced so will still holiday together with the children on occasion

Do it now , no point in waiting,let’s you get on with your life

The children are old enough to go with him and the PILs if you don’t mind missing out on the holiday.

@hulahooper2

Do it now , no point in waiting,let’s you get on with your life

Agree with this, don't drag out the inevitable. If you choose to you could still go on holiday next year together.

No, start the split.
Do you still want to go with them ?

Sorry I disagree with PPs about you still going on holiday with them if you decide to go ahead with the break up now; a separation is just that - a separation. Even if both parties are on the best of terms, divorce can still be hard on the children & I think it’s confusing / sending mixed messages to ask them to come to terms with a break up & adjust to a new status quo, only to then all go on holiday together. Maybe it’ll be possible in the future when the dust settles but I think it’s definitely a bad idea so close to the break up as everything will still be raw. My aunt & uncle did something similar when my cousin was twelve & it really got her hopes up that they’d get back together.

Should I just play happy family for the next 10 months?

I personally wouldn’t, I’d go ahead with the separation & not plan to join holiday.

You say you have an early teen, I think it would be good to get it over with & have things nice & settled before the exam years especially as separation of assets can take time etc.

How do I go about telling dds?

If things are amicable & there’s no abuse then I think this is something you should discuss with your partner & you should approach telling them as a team.

Thank you all. I haven't come back to the post until now because I couldn't face it. Checking Google history last week, I saw he had opened several tabs on Rightmove looking at 2-3 bed houses. I would hope he was looking at these for myself and dds. Then on Friday his attitude changed from been quite "off" with me to been very civil and even friendly. He even suggested we go out for a drink in a beer garden Saturday afternoon.

Whatever happens and I agree with DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight we do need to discuss with the children together as a team.

I also at this moment and time would want to be with the children on holiday because it is something they have been looking forward to for several years now and I would feel anxious if they were so far away with just him and in-laws.

As there is an air of calmness in the home at the moment, I am not going to say anything to change this. One dds birthday is only weeks away and I won't ruin it for her. I am blocking out the situation at the moment....good or bad I don't know.