I must put my kids happiness first?

[brightorbleakfuture]

NC for this one.

I'd really appreciate some thoughts on my situation. I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage and have been for 3 years (been married 16 years, 3 DC - DS1 is 20, DS2 is 15, and DD is 5, DS1 still lives at home)

I have a reasonably good job and I work hard. My DH is not abusive at all but he is excessively selfish and shows little to no interest in the kids unless they're talking about him or his band. His band is reasonably successful and is his focus for everything. He's recently started working with a very successful musician and while of course I'm happy for him, this has made the self centredness even worse.

I'd made the decision that I would end the marriage. I worked the finances out and I can keep the family home (if DH agrees) and manage however things will be incredibly tight.

Since a conversation about Xmas yesterday with my family I am now more or less convinced that I need to forego my own happiness and stay in my unhappy marriage. My kids will never get to go on the holidays with their cousins that they're used to; they won't be able to have the lovely christmases we've always had; I'll be unable to help DS1 out when he's struggling with his money. I know that a happy household is more important than these things but DH is so absent anyway and they're completely used to how absent he is and how focused he is on the band, I know I've hidden my unhappiness from them, do I just continue as I am? I don't feel I have a choice. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please be gentle.

No you don't- firstly you are still an individual as well as a parent, as cheesy as it sounds, you can't redo life at a later date, you need to do what you can to try and ensure you are happy. Secondly, staying together doesn't necessarily mean happier children, they pick up on the fact a parent (or both) is unhappy, and growing up around that isn't good. Remember as well that he will still be a parent, there's no reason they can't still see their cousins or have help with money; he will have to pay maintenance (assuming they are under 18?), and won't necessarily just say no to helping out more.

Do you have a friend you can lean on?

@Booknooks

No you don't- firstly you are still an individual as well as a parent, as cheesy as it sounds, you can't redo life at a later date, you need to do what you can to try and ensure you are happy. Secondly, staying together doesn't necessarily mean happier children, they pick up on the fact a parent (or both) is unhappy, and growing up around that isn't good. Remember as well that he will still be a parent, there's no reason they can't still see their cousins or have help with money; he will have to pay maintenance (assuming they are under 18?), and won't necessarily just say no to helping out more.

Do you have a friend you can lean on?

I do have friends and family too, but I feel they will have a bias. Not towards DH, towards me. I've recently had covid and was very very poorly and his selfishness was very apparent. This has meant that a lot of our friends and family aren't particularly fond of him at the moment.

Bump.

Just really hoping for some advice or similar experience.

No experience but please don't stay if you are unhappy.

You have to consider the children but you also have to consider yourself.

I divorced a successful musician and yes, being incredibly self-centred is the norm especially when they do coke.

Kids see unhappy marriages and think it's normal behaviour. Kids also feel atmospheres, hear arguments, see selfishness, understand when a parent is sad, and know other kids with divorce or separated parents.

Their lives will not be hugely improved by fancy holidays but they will be enhanced by a happy mum.

If you're miserable, do you think your kids will be happy to know it's because of having a to provide holidays and an expensive Christmas? In essence, "staying for the kids" is utterly pointless. I'm a DD of a marriage where the DM stayed, and since I was 12 I have thought her a fool.

Consider that even if you do split, the new energy you get may help you progress in your career and help you bridge the financial gap to giving them the things you think they’ll miss out on. It’s not a zero sum game that you must be poorer forever after a split.

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage. I did for far too long and it affected me in ways that were destroying my life. Menopause made me worse and my feelings were magnified 100x.
I felt guilty for wanting to end a sexless/loveless marriage with a man who could be extremely selfish at times and very unsupportive. I was protecting his happiness at the expense of my own. I became unfulfilled in life (started changing jobs suddenly) and irritable which wasn’t ideal for our two teens. I ended up not enjoying motherhood and this was not the way I wanted to live, nor what my children deserved. I ended it after 23 years of marriage. No regrets. It was a dead/empty relationship.

Don't stay if you don't want too.
As pp say you deserve happiness and the kids will probably know you aren't happy.

They may even get quality time with their father when he does have them. The giving of financial support doesn't rest only on your shoulders either, their df should pay for them. If his music is successful then he should be ok with that least.

But you shouldn't suffer the sake of the kids' family Christmas!

When you aren't used to putting yourself first, it feels unnatural to make a risky decision focused on the possibility that it might make YOU happier in future. And so you second guess yourself, and talk yourself in a circle. Once you've argued yourself back into that familiar place where your own contentment is the lowest on the list again, you rediscover all those reasons why you should not take that risk for your future happiness.

You can stay on this merry-go-round for years. As the years pass, it seems less and less rational to leave, because of all the times you persuaded yourself to stay. Nothing is particularly worse, so there is never a big enough reason to push you over the brink to make that life-changing decision.

If you stay for the children, the children REALLY need to benefit. In this case, the financial argument simply doesn't appear persuasive on its own. I am generally "for" giving things another go, when you can cope with the situation and there are kids in the mix. But in this situation, I don't hear from you enough strong positives for the kids.

So, I would end this relationship. I expect your older two children will understand more than you realise of the situation and your overall unhappiness. Perhaps not instantly, but in the near future, I expect they will be supportive.

Good luck.

I'm here in a very similar position and also a band widow. Very unhappy. Sexless loveless, co/parenting in a expensive are.

I think we know when people say we deserve to be happy that logically it's true of course it is. But carrying actions to make it happen i is another matter. I'm petrified by what I might have to do.
I have some family issues going on as well and it's a lucky dip of shite.

I know also life doesn't come with a time machine and I'll just get more resentful. How about you? Can you carry on as you are? How long for?
One day the kids will be gone then what.. ...?

Thank you for the replies. I do think it's hard to alter the mindset when you've always put yourself last.

DH was in a band when we got together and I've always had the mind frame 'I knew this when we got together so I mustn't moan about it'
He's missed out on so much with the kids - holidays, weekends away, parents evenings etc. But then I guess he could have prioritised differently?

I desperately just want to be happy and I'm so miserable. He really isn't a bad person, he's just very focused on the band and ultimately he adores being centre of attention.

I can see friends and family avoid talking to him as he just relentlessly talks about the band.

Where do I start? How do you actually make the move? Have others ordered their finances first?

Just to give an alternative viewpoint ….you said he’s just started working with a successful musician. If he’s about to “hit the big time” then even staying for another year could make a massive difference to your financial position….

How does DH think the marriage is? Could you talk to him about how you feel or try counselling?

OP, life is short. He is never going to change. You are feeling lonely and miserable in a relationship. I've been there.when you look back on your life you don't want regrets to wish you had broke free earlier and given yourself some happiness to allow you to get yourself back again.

Change can be uncomfortable but is doable when you see life can be so much better and happier. Find your light again and flick the switch. My life is a million times better.