False accusations of domestic violence

[Sthrn]

I am in the middle of a divorce process. In 2019 my wife met a man in a university course, and began a relationship with him. She took 4 holidays abroad with him, telling me that she was going to meet family, when really she was having a romantic break. I am the sole breadwinner and especially during Covid my wife repeatedly asked me for more money because she needed to buy clothes for our children, etc when really the money was going on the adulterous affair. In total £20k has been dissipated, leaving me in debt.
Our 5 year old daughter began to mention that a strange man was coming to the house when I was out, so my wife has exposed our child to this behavior, which must be extremely damaging.
In January I found out about this, and my wife responded by falsely accusing me of assault, and getting me arrested. I have never at any point hit, hurt or raised my hand at my wife or anything of the sort in the 10 years that I have known her. The police released me in 15 minutes, stating that I was innocent, and I thought that this was the end of the story. However my wife called the police on me again as soon as I came back to the house. The policeman then advised me not to come back without without a solicitor, and if there was any trouble then they would arrest me, because my wife had made the initial callout. Another solicitor advised me not to pursue anything because she will just make more false accusations.
A few weeks later my wife moved her new boyfriend into the house. I am staying with my parents. I am still paying for the mortgage and bills, and still financing my wife and her boyfriend's lifestyle.

This has taken a huge toll on me. It is clear to all involved that my wife just called the police in order to kick me out of the house, and it has worked. Surely if she was in an abusive relationship she wouldn't dare to move a new boyfriend in like this? It's completely insane.

So what justice is there? My wife has abused the criminal justice system in order to get the upper hand in a matter of family law. My divorce is moving on but slowly. In the meantime my wife is enjoying a life with her boyfriend of 3 years at my expense.

Can I sue her? What consequences can she face for the false accusation? The solicitor who advised me explained that for most crimes, such as theft, making a false accusation means you would be charged with wasting police time. But for domestic violence there is no penalty for false allegations. You can do it with impunity and get off scot free.

Can I wait until the divorce is finalised and pursue a civil claim? Is there any chance of getting the money she spent on the boyfriend back in the financial settlement? How can I make sure she doesn't do it again? So far she has essentially been rewarded for the 999 call, so how can I stop her doing it again multiple times?

I'm a family solicitor.

No, you won't be able to sue her, and it's fairly unlikely you would get an "add back" for the money she spent : in reality, by your own admission, you'd have no complaint if she had spent the money on the stated purpose, so you're no worse off.

On the bright side, her having moved the man in makes it highly unlikely she'll get spousal maintenance from you.

It may feel desperately unfair (I know it does) but my very firm advice is that you concentrate on your daughter, getting through the divorce, and rebuilding a life without a cheating wife.

Don't look back, don't look down, neither will help you.

Thanks. It's very frustrating as it seems that the legal system protects people like her. How common are false accusations like this? Is it par for the course for an acrimonious divorce?

In my experience it’s very common. My ex did it to me (and I’m a woman).

It happens. More commonly, perpetrators say it's all lies.

It's frustrating.

The divorce & finances bit is not geared up or able to litigate who was right or wrong. It is all about getting you out and on your way. Do not throw money at your lawyers wanting them to get what you consider "justice". They can't, and they will rapidly get frustrated by you if they are good, or bill you thousands extra if they are poor.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I see why you are paying the mortgage, but why are you continuing to pay other bills if you no longer live there?

Yes, it does happen. I knew someone who actually told us that she planned to do this if her DH gave her any problems over her affair.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for all the responses. The solicitor advised to reduce the amount I pay to her very slowly and gradually so that she can't accuse me of any kind of financial abuse. She has been financially dependent on me for 10 years. So over the next few months we will reduce it to mortgage only.

The most effective thing you can do os to expedite divorce proceedings and the sale of the house as quickly as possible.

Realistically whatever the reason for separation one of you would have had to move out, and if she does the majority of childcare it would make sense that it would be you.

Your solicitor is advising you well, you're coming across as rational and fair with regard to finances. Possibly too fair, but that won't do you any harm in the eyes of the court.

I'm not sure that the justice system every truly gets justice for many people, as we are hindered by lack of definitive evidence and/ or lack of funds. Try to think of the divorce process more as arbitration, finding a middle ground that you can both move on from.