Informing the children - divorce

[cohc]

I would appreciate some help from others who have been through the same.

I’m looking at a divorce with my partner which will obviously be an expensive process as our house is worth a lot but what is bothering me the most is both how to tell the children (I have 9 year olds) and the impact on them. I fear that they will hate me as it’s me pushing the divorce not my other half - they would happily stay in the house to just be there for the children, but not having a proper relationship is not right. There is little chance of the marriage ever being fixed. Any help you can offer from experience would be great as I’m struggling at the moment to see things clearly as the children have always been my priority.

Dear OP, first of all I am very sorry that you are going through this. None of us gets married planning on getting a divorce down the road, we all believe that this is going to be forever. However, some marriages simply do not work out. Do not feel bad about that. You need to listen to yourself, your instincts, your feelings. I do not think that a divorce "destroys" anything, it is not a "disaster". Your relationship has simply ran its course and you are going separate ways.

As for the children, here is what I think. Kids are smart and intuitive and they can sense when things are not ok between the parents. They may not want you to get divorce but they want you to be happy. So, whatever you think about your divorce, and what/how you tell them, will affect how they feel about it. I just went through a separation and while my kids are much older then yours I strongly believe that this is the way to go when it comes to telling them. You sit them down, preferably both you and your husband and tell them this: "Your father and I are separating. We have had some problems over the years and we tried to fix them but we could not. We need you to know that this has nothing to do with you and that we both love you very, very much". That is all. The kids do not need to know the details of your relationship with your husband, the kinds of problems you had and how you tried to fix it. All they need to know are the fact, "we are separating", "we love you very much". It would be useful if you know, more or less, the arrangements regarding who they will live with and such. In my case, I told them that I will stay in the house with them and that they do not have to go anywhere, but that they can chose to go with their father if they wanted to.

Bottom line is, while you should be emotional as this is a major event for all of you, do not catastrophize it. Stay calm and composed. Kids will be looking at you for signs. They need to know that you know what you are doing and that everything is going to be ok. Kids need love and stability and as long as you can give it to them they will be ok. Good luck OP. Hugs

You and your husband should do sit down together and discuss what your going to say to them. You really need to be on the same page and to understand that there should be absolutely no apportioning of blame or involving the children in side-taking. Make sure he also understands how damaging this can be for the children. They will be full of questions so try and be able to answer them as much as you can. They will be worried about having to move schools, see their friends and extended families, whether they should expect to see new partners on the horizon, where they will live and most importantly how much time they'll get to see you both.

They need to know that they will still be loved, that m and dad have got this under control, that they are not to blame for the split and that there is nothing they can do to change it.

Goods luck.

If there are any parenting apart classes in your area go to it asap and encourage your husband to do the same.