Custody

[JoannaMitchell]

Hello everyone

My husband and I separated last October and plan to start divorce proceedings this autumn, a process Im dreading... I have some questions about the custody of our two daughters, aged 12 and 9 and would appreciate any opinion/advice from those who have sadly found themselves in a similar situation.

My husband left the family home very suddenly last October and our divorce will be filed on basis of adultery which he will not be contesting. I remained in our house with the children and my husband rents a flat nearby. For the past year the child care arrangement has been that he has the girls overnight on a Tuesday and Friday night and all day every Saturday. In addition he has them one 'long weekend' (Friday and Saturday night and Sunday) one day a month. He also comes over every Monday evening to have dinner with the girls.

This is an arrangement I feel works well as it enables the children to see their father regularly and gives them stability. My husband however wants 50\50 custody, ideally in the form of them staying with him on a Monday and a Tuesday night, Friday night and the girls spending alternate entire weekends with us.

He is a very good and loving father, but I feel the girls need a main home and that I can provide a more consistent and stable environment. My daughters are happy and settled and I feel our current arrangement is best for the children.

My main concern is the school holidays and how 50\50 custody would work. I am a part time teacher and went part time do that I could 'be there' more for the children. Picking them up for school etc. Also, my job means that I can look after them in the school holidays instead of having to organise childcare. Something I'm really grateful for and the children benefit from.

My main question is, if I have calculated that my husband would need 45 days holiday to 'have the children 50\50' over the school holidays, is he likely to get 50/50?

He tells me that his work will be flexible and he can 'work from home' whilst caring for the girls in the holiday. But I hate the idea of them on devices whilst he works and feel that our custody arrangement should reflect the fact I look after them in the holidays.

Hope this rant makes sense. It's causing me real anxiety as he says all courts start with the presumption it will be 50\50 custody and that they would not have a problem with him working from home whilst he cares for the children in the long holidays.

All thoughts on this welcome!

Jo

Working full time doesn’t prevent parenting - just means holidays plus holiday clubs etc

Will you be able to stay part time financially once you divorce ?

What do the children want? They are at an age m, esp the 12 yo, where their wishes will be considered.

Based on just what you say, I think there’s a Strong chance he’d get it tbh

50/50 is good for the kids as it lets them know they are wanted snd loved by both parents. Me and my ex are 50/50 with our two girls who were aged 12 & 8 when we separated. We live close to each other and they generally have enough stuff in both houses that they don't have to worry about packing at swap over etc. It works well and the kids like the arrangement.
I also teach and in the holidays we have an arrangement where I do more of the childcare and he funds some of the additional summer activities.

@flightofthewilderbeast

50/50 is good for the kids as it lets them know they are wanted snd loved by both parents. Me and my ex are 50/50 with our two girls who were aged 12 & 8 when we separated. We live close to each other and they generally have enough stuff in both houses that they don't have to worry about packing at swap over etc. It works well and the kids like the arrangement. I also teach and in the holidays we have an arrangement where I do more of the childcare and he funds some of the additional summer activities.

I was going to say 50/50 can work very well if you want it to and this post proves how much it can work. Whilst you aren't together it's not about working against each other but with each other.

Talk to the girls about what they'd ideally want? I come from a country where 50/50 is the starting base and it generally works very well here but on MN it seems to be hated.

I think 50:50 could work well for your girls. We are doing 2-2-3-2-2-3 (so alternate long weekends) but our children are younger. As they get older sometimes fewer handovers is better. At your girls’ age you might prefer a week on week off with a night in the middle Of the week?
At that age I really don’t see too much of a problem with them being home while he works, or surely he can sort some holiday clubs? Or you could do things with them on his days?

I really hear the anxiety in your post and I’m so sorry, but nothing you’ve said would preclude a 50:50 split. Letting go of your kids a bit is a painful but necessary bit of divorce/separation I’m finding.

A solicitor is the only one who can advise you here, but I would have thought a precedent has been set with your current arrangements.

Your eldest will be old enough to express a view on what they would like.

Why is your ex-h name only deciding he wants 50-50 now? I am assuming there was a reason why the current arrangements were made at the start? What has changed? Could it be to avoid maintenance? Is he already paying this?

The starting point should be what the children are happy with, not his "rights".

Your dc are old enough to be consulted, you and your ex sound reasonable enough to have a discussion in their best interests. 50-50 is such a horrible court-derived concept. IME amicable relations between you are so much more important than the percentage of time the dc spend under your respective roofs.

Not sure I agree with the whole needing one main home thing tbh. My daughter goes 50/50 and it works fine. Just be careful that the real reason you are thinking that is because you can't face being away from the for half the time. I mean that in a nice way and don't want to sound mean.

If you can keep things amicable and split equally then do it! Xx