Help! I don't think I can do this! Feel terrible

[Mummykins54]

After 23 years and 27 years together my husband came back with a counter offer yesterday re our separation.

I have been in a conditioned marriage and been coercively controlled for a long time. Not saying it was all bad but he could be very moody.

I am now panicking - wondering if I should just have "put in" rather than putting myself through this stress which has been unbelievable. Even more stressful that it was living with him. He earns £2k a month more than me so we never had to worry about finances. Kids are 17 and 20 so they are fine but I am falling to bits.

I am worried sick about being on my own and taking on all the responsibilities in the house. Can't motivate myself to do anything other than go to work. Have been drinking more than usual which I know is not right.

My friends go ballistic when I say I should have stayed but can anyone else see where I am coming from or do I need a kick up the bum!

I do see where you're coming from. I didn't even like my husband for the last few years of our marriage, I used to fantasize about being on my own, I was going out of my mind because of his abuse and as soon as he left the air cleared, the cloud lifted. But I had to go through a grieving process - for the years wasted, for what it should have been, for what we once had (or what I thought we had), for what I would not longer have. But I got through that and am happier than I've ever been in my life.

Grit your teeth, Mummykins, take the tears, eat chocolate, drink wine (not too much), watch sad films, but do not go back. It won't be any better, it will be worse because you've given in to him, he will use that against you.

Do you have RL support from people experienced in these matters? Women's Aid? I didn't think for a minute I needed their help but my solicitor suggested it and it turned out she was right. According to my support worker every woman who comes through their door thinks they don't need their help. Have you got a decent solicitor? If not, WA would be a good place to ask for recommendations.

Hang on in there, you'll get there

@Orgasmagorical thanks for that - I do have a worker from an organisation similar to Woman's Aid and work have also sent me for counselling.

I totally get the "grieving thing". The time you have invested in the marriage and the thought that at age 55 I am starting over again when had everything been fine our mortgage could have been paid off and we could have had a comfortable life. Mourning for what should have been I suppose.

I do have a good solicitor - just didn't think I would react so badly - I am on Sertraline and Diazepam at the moment - every day is a struggle right now.

That's good to hear you've got the support in place already. Sorry you're having such a hard time, I hope it will start to ease as you're further on in the process. Change is difficult even if it's for the best . Keep posting, it'll help you to see how far you've come when you look back

Would something like the Freedom Programme help? To get you out of that mindset left over from the abuse.

Your local Women’s Aid would have details. Or there is an organisation called Saje based in Scotland that does it over Zoom for women anywhere across the country.

@KintsugiCat my worker has told me of the Freedom project. My head is all over the place as he has entered a counter offer to mine but my solicitor has to look over it to see if it is fair or not.

Best advice I’ve had was to try to live in the present as much as possible.

It is difficult especially in the first days of separation. I was scared to go out with the bins the first few weeks! So much of it is unfamiliar.

At the time I was scared to go out to the bins I downloaded a security app. I got a reminder the other day that my free trial is up. Honestly I had forgotten all about it. The reminder showed me how far ai have come in a short time.

It is difficult and scary. Some of it it’s the conditioning and coercion you’ve been subjected to. Another good piece of advice I got was “it’s coming up to come out”. Basically I’m this means when your emotions/spirit are going through change they have a clear out.

So these feelings are coming up precisely because you sense you’re finally able to get rid of them- not live in fear and sadness anymore.

Someone explained it to me like this. Basically you’ve been used to feeling numb because of the emotional abuse you’ve been subjected to. Now you’re not in that state day to day. You’re starting to let yourself feel again.

Basically this means that firstly you’ll have a bit of a backlog of old repressed emotions to get through. And the quickest way out is through. But also when you hear from him etc it will trigger old stuff too.

But in reality, it’s a sign you’re coming back to being yourself and not just being shut down.

I’ve attached a diagram that explains why coming out of a bad situation can feel very similar to the early stages of a bad situation.

@KintsugiCat thanks for that advice - really helpful.

I guess it is the fear of being alone after having been together for so long. He was the main breadwinner - now that falls on me which is scary. I know I need to stop looking back but it is very hard. He has definitely moved on faster than I have.

@Mummykins54 How are you doing?