What should I ask for at mediation. I'm clueless

[MagicalCreatures]

Going to be starting mediation with my ExH.

Not sure what I should go In with asking for as a starting point.

Bit of background.
ExH emotionally and financially abusive.
He thinks I'm entitled to nothing as I gave up full time work to raise our Son.

DS is 2.5
I had to leave the family mortgaged home because he refused too.
Home is due to sell soon with an equity of about £70K
He has a pension worth about £35k I think.
He had about £14k in savings but spent it all on a car he didn't need (he drives a company car during the week) because he didn't want me getting my hands on the money.
He has a full time job and has continued to pay the mortgage for 8 months cos he's been living in the property.
He refused to pay child maintenance and has fought me every step of the way to make sure I struggle and everything is a battle.
He should now be paying child maintenance but hasn't yet.

I gave up full time work to raise our DS.
I am self employed and had a fantastic career. I had to drop alot of clients cos I only returned back to work part time after DS was born. It can take some time to build up a strong client base like I had before in my line of work.

I had to rent privately with temporary help from UC (I won't get this when the property sells as I will have too much in savings) and I will need to pay this and the bills using my small income and the money I receive from my share of the equity. Therefore dipping into the money I get, every month, until my son is of an age that I get childcare help or he is in school so I can work more hours. And I can build up a bigger client base.
My income at the moment isn't even enough to cover my rent. Let alone everything else.

What should I do

I have to add I will not be in a position to buy another property at all.
My last few tax returns have been in the range of £5k to £7k
The area that I live, you cannot buy a 2 bedroom flat with no garden for less then £200k

Therfore I am stuck privately renting

How long have you been married?
What does he earn?

In reality there’s not a huge amount of assets available
I presume you are relatively young?

How much does he earn? Have you put in a claim with cms?

@millymollymoomoo
We had been married nearly 4 years when I left him.
He earns about £21,500 but does overtime so has been earning more in the region on £24-25k.
I'm 34. He is the same.
I have oput a claim in with CMS. He has missed the first payment

We were together nearly 10 years in total though and have owned the property together for 8 years

You got to half of absolutely everything and then also maintenance payments surely? Do you have advice, a lawyer?

The car is an asset. When you both list your assets this will be on the list. It used to be 14k cash and now its a 14k car. So all is not lost there.

Have you had your individual appt with the mediator yet?

Mediation helps you agree whats fair. You dont neccessarily have to go in with all of the answers. It is a process. If he doesn't play ball then you will have to lawyer up and they would play hardball with him with the games he is already playing.

Has the amount of equity been agreed? I believe the standard is to have three different valuations and take the average. Do not take his word for it.

Your son will get free childcare from age 3 so this will help you focus on your business or get a supplementary job.

I moved out of marital home into rented and it was a shock at first but in the end i loved that little house and stayed there for 3 and a bit years. I am now back on the property ladder.

With UC you are allowed up to 16k in savings and you are allowed to 'spend' a reasonable amount to get below the threshold. So you could see if buying a car would be within the rules-as it might help you get work etc.

The starting point should always be 50/50. And then you work specific situations into that. So as the lower earner/sahp a 60/40 split might be a more realistic starting point.

What is the custody situation going to be?

You won’t be awarded spousal maintenance on that salary
Your priority will be to try to get max capital - perhaps 100% of equity and no pension?
You will be deemed young enough to build your own pension pot and increase your own earnings

You are also young enough to your career and increase your own earnings

Do you have a solicitor?
If he missing cms payments you can go back to them and ask for direct pay

Can you afford to pay the mortgage /get a mortgage on your current property in order to keep it if you were awarded 100% of equity? If so, you should push for that

I can't advise on the marital assets, although I think your best shot is probably 100% of equity, no pension. However, if you're on a very low income, you should get 30hrs of free childcare already, surely? You certainly will when he turns 3. You may have to look at getting a FT job; I'm not sure you can afford to wait years for your business to build up from £5k annually.

How much is owed on the property? Could you cover the mortgage? How much cms are you trying to claim?

A different bit of advice here is to really take care of yourself in and after the sessions. Parties are supposed to be open and honest in them and he won't be. He'll be playing to appear as "Mr Wonderful" to the mediator "audience".

If the mediator sees through this, it's helpful, but still hard to deal with. However, if the mediator falls for his shit, in my experience it's extremely hard. In my case I ended up really frustrated and when I finally displayed some frustration (not unreasonably - not like I started screaming or anything!!) I ended up looking like the "crazy wife" and he was "reasonable". It's bad enough when it's just the two of you but when there's a third party there who thinks he's being reasonable..well, it actually broke me.

So please, not only know what you want, but be ready for his behaviours to be the same as you've had to deal with before, but this time with the impartial person not necessarily quite so impartial.

I know some mediators won't work with couples where there is a history of abuse for exactly this reason. It's not like Mr Reasonable appears with a sign in his head saying "I'm not actually reasonable, I'm covertly continuing to abuse". The mediator can't know what the dynamics are really like.

Good luck.

On his salary for CM go through the CMS today and use direct pay if he won't pay. - www.gov.uk/making-child-maintenance-arrangement.

If you have already put a claim in then he will have to clear his arrears.

This will then be taken out of the financial settlement of the divorce as it is a commit until your child is 18. If it was included in the divorce settlement after 13 months he could go to the CMS anyway.

commitment rather

@Gingembre

A different bit of advice here is to really take care of yourself in and after the sessions. Parties are supposed to be open and honest in them and he won't be. He'll be playing to appear as "Mr Wonderful" to the mediator "audience".

If the mediator sees through this, it's helpful, but still hard to deal with. However, if the mediator falls for his shit, in my experience it's extremely hard. In my case I ended up really frustrated and when I finally displayed some frustration (not unreasonably - not like I started screaming or anything!!) I ended up looking like the "crazy wife" and he was "reasonable". It's bad enough when it's just the two of you but when there's a third party there who thinks he's being reasonable..well, it actually broke me.

So please, not only know what you want, but be ready for his behaviours to be the same as you've had to deal with before, but this time with the impartial person not necessarily quite so impartial.

I know some mediators won't work with couples where there is a history of abuse for exactly this reason. It's not like Mr Reasonable appears with a sign in his head saying "I'm not actually reasonable, I'm covertly continuing to abuse". The mediator can't know what the dynamics are really like.

Good luck.

I second this. Mine did play to the audience. I found it really frustrating.

However, he did slip his guard enough that with hindsight (it didn't seem like it at the time as she remained very neutral) she could see what I was having to deal with.

My STBEX stalled and stalled so it became a waste of time as he wouldn't bring the right paperwork with him so each session wasn't much more forward than the last. When I approached the mediator to say I didn't think it worth continuing and would seek legal advice, she told me that seemed very sensible. So I think she absolutely saw through it, but just couldn't say.

I think if you find mediation isn't working early on, OP I'd suggest get advice and issue Form A. I wish I'd issued mine sooner, instead I tried to give mediation "one more go". He's continued to stall, but has court deadlines to stick to now.

Have you had any legal advice at all? I think the needs of your son would take priority and possibly you might be entitled to keep the family home to house you and him. If you haven't had any advice, you need to get some, quick. That would give you an idea of what a reasonable settlement might look like.

The "problem" with mediators in many ways is that they can't take sides. Even if s/he thinks your xh is full of sh*t, s/he can't say so. So be prepared for that. You won't get any validation or anyone sticking up for you, even if you are "right" about things. And your xh needs to be able to compromise.

Thankyou everyone for your amazing advice.

I'll try and answer as much as I can.

I have a very good solicitor yes. She has advised me and been brilliant but is trying to keep the cost down for me as much as possible hence why we are trying mediation. But I honestly think he had no intention of letting me have more than he originally wanted me to anyway. Which was 50% of the equity. He wanted to keep his pension and his £15k which is now a car.
All I have is a car which I use primarily for business and is now only worth £3k. I drive around for work so need this to be able to secure an income.

I have now set up CM through CMS. I tried months ago but was met with so many threats and sheer hell from him that I cancelled and agreed to a voluntary payment of half of what CMS told I should have got.
He is in the Family home and has been trying to say I owe him for half the mortgage so owes me no child maintenance. However CMS have assured me this isn't the case as I jade jade leave the family home and am receiving benefits to put a roof over mine and my sons head.

To be completely truthful, my ex has the traits of a narcissist. He had made my life a living hell and has to have all the control. As soon as I go down the route of legal advice where something is in my right and he doesn't have a choice, he hits me full force with everything he has got. Making everything I do a constant battle.

He has not paid me the last 3 weeks of the increased CM that CMS have advised him to pay me. Yet again another battle I now have to fight.
I have contacted them already.

I have struggled alot. I actually don't know how I wake up some mornings. My son is the reason I fight and carry on. I have amazed myself myself my strength but am at breaking point.

The mediator knows about the domestic abuse and has assured me she will not let him bully me but he is extremely good at convincing people of what he wants them to believe. He did this with me for 7 years before I finally saw the truth.
It is worrying me alot that she will be fooled by him.

I wanted to go for 100% equity but wasn't sure if I had a chance at all and there's no way he will agree to this. If he doesn't I think I will have to go straight down the solicitor route as i can't waste anymore time. I need the money released to help pay my rent until I can pick up more hours of work.
He has already stalled the mediation by putting it on hold which my solicitor told me he had no right to do so I had to go to down that route to get it started again.

Oh and my solicitor told me the court could have granted me a mesher order but after having to leave the family home, him living in it for the last 8 months on his own and after suffering all the abuse I had there, it holds too many bad memories and I don't want to live there. It isn't home anymore and I have no idea what state the property is in.

A mesher order would have meant though that he would have had to remain in the mortgage until out son was 18, therefore hindering his ability to get another mortgage unless he received a huge pay rise. And also meaning no equity would have been released to him until our Son was 18. So he would have had to walk away with exactly what he is walking away with if I go for 100% equity. But he doesn't see it like this.
I have already received communication from him where he is trying trying charge me for 3 years worth of mortgage payments since I had our Son and gave up full time work.
That's his mentality

Sorry, re reading back through your comments.

My son is only eligible for 15 hours free childcare at the moment. I only qualified for that cos I started claiming UC. I also have to pay a top up each month so he goes all year round instead of just term time.
At the moment I only have him in 8 hours a week and I pay £16 a month to do this. I'm using those 2 afternoons at the moment to try and gain abit more business.
He will only receive 30 hours in April next year. He is 3 in January. Then because I will need him him go all year round instead of term time only, I think that equals to 23 hours a week. So that will be the hours I can work until he is in school, then I will be able to work school hours.

If he's not paying up the CM could you not go the route of having CMS collect it from him and pass it to you? It'll cost him an extra 20% (and I think it costs you 5%) but least you'll get it.

Oh yes I've already spoken to CMS today and they've confirmed he's actually missed the first 3 payments and I'm just going online now to request it through the portal. He will get 2 weeks to pay up or it will go through collect and pay

The way i have seen divorce finances worked out look something like this.

70k equity
35k pension
14k car (his)
3k car (yours)
Plus any other assets (your pension or any of your savings)
Total £122k
Minus any debts

So your half of the total assets less debts would be 61k. If you want to keep your car you take that off so that means you share is £58k. So that is your starting point for negotiation. That is how the form E works things out. Keep it very neutral. I only want half. Surely thats fair. Repeat.

Have you had your MIAM yet? My exh was very abusive, and got worse during the divorce. At the MIAM (ex didn't come) I was truthful about the 2 years of trying to get divorced that had gone before, and she just said we weren't suitable for mediation, and I went to court. I know you don't want to, but I am not sure in your situation if your stbx is going to comply with anything agreed at mediation.

@BatshitCrazyWoman
Hi, yes we had our MIAM months ago. He then put mediation on hold which my solicitor said he had no right to do. She contacted his solicitor (who turns out he hasn't actually formally instructed so she wants nothing more to do with it) and got him to agree to mediation again to sort the finances.

We had our first mediation appointment last Thursday and because she hadn't got us to do a financial disclosure yet, we couldn't discuss the finances in detail. Very annoying as this was the main issue.
We discussed child arrangements instead. Came to an agreement that I'm still not happy about though as I don't really feel like I have a choice. He won't budge on it.

We did discuss what we need to disclose financially at the end. I have nothing nothing hide. Was very open.
But he went crazy. Did not want to disclose his pensions. Only the one he's had for the last year in his most recent job. He told her he's put the other pensions in our sons name, as a beneficiary or in trust. She told him he had to disclose them and he threw himself back in his chair shouting he's had legal advice and I can't touch them.

He also doesn't want to disclose his £15,000 car as he believes its HIS car and his right. He had a car accident and has apparently had legal advice again that I can't touch it cos he bought it with the money he received back for the car that was written off.
He's deluded. Again, she told him to disclose it and he shouted at her.

My ex is extremely abusive. He has got so so much worse in the last few months. He is using our Son as a weapon to hurt me anyway he can, to control me.

He is making my life hell. I know he has no intention of settling for less then 50% of the equity and to keep all his pensions and his car.
So I am ready to say, leave it, see you in court. Its a shame, but when we were texting about finances before I had to get the solicitors involved, he text me what he would let me have and then said 'that's more than enough for you. Anything more is just greed'.

This Is a man that thinks his child maintenance payments go towards what i pay to put my son in nursery so I can work.
I'm his free childcare all week but apparently I have to pay for childcare so I can pay my bills.

Lay out the basics to the mediator (again, most likely) and ask them outright what, given the circumstances, is the best initial starting point to reopen discussions? If they seriously go in with 50/50 then you might well come to the conclusion that mediation is not going to work for your case given your work and child raising situation.

So we had mediation.
I'm not sure it's going to work.
I can't sleep cos of it.
I'm certain he's been very dodgy with his money. He submitted his bank statements. But only personal account ones.
On his personal account statements it regularly shows money coming in and out of his credit card account and his savings account.
Then he took a screenshot of his accounts on one page via his app and yet it shows no money in his savings account yet an available balance of a very odd amount including pence on his credit card account.

He's been getting paid way more then he's been letting on. All these months he's been pleading poverty and paying me far less child maintenance then he should have whilst living the high life with takeaways every night.

He put a down payment on a car for £9500 and took out finance of over £7000 only 4 months ago but is now trying to say the car is only worth £10,000.
He's also now trying to say that his parents are charging him £650 a month for rent and bills, a sum of that is for the cost of having their grandchild stay with them one night a week.
And I know that would be a usual amount for a family to rent a room out to an adult son but there's is no way they would charge him that. They never charged him a penny rent before he moves out 8 years ago.
They are absolutely loaded and I have every suspicion that they will be putting the money away for him to have as savings when he wants it and our divorce is over.
So he is saying his outgoings are far more then they actually are.
How do i prove all this?

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to see how much money he has actually had all the time and he's begrudged paying for his son.

He said he thought that I should walk away with £42000 from the equity. My car worth £3000. And 25% of his pension.

He wants £32000 from the equity. His car which he owns £9500 off but he bought for £15000 and 75% of his pensions.

But I think he has hidden some money away.
My solicitor was Informed that his solicitor has actually only worked on a consultancy basis for him and has not been formally instructed.
Yet he transferred £1000 to his dad for 'solicitors fees' at a time when he had substantial money in his account to pay for them himself.

What do you all think?