When to tell children

[Mmmmdanone]

Husband and I decided to separate 6 months ago. He will move out eventually when we have agreed an amount for me to buy him out through financial settlement, but this could take months.
I want to tell the DC (16 and 12) as so many people now know but they don't. Husband doesn't want to tell them until nearer the point of him moving out. I just think it's unfair that other family and friends know but they don't. He gets upset if I mention telling them.
Any experiences of this or advice?

Can you ask the kids how they feel things are going between you and husband and start from there? They were old enough to sense any disagreements etc. I would say prepare them mentally…

I went through this process recently - unfortunately ex-p became very litigious & the finances took nearly 2 years to settle, so we lived together for that entire time & it was hellish. I felt it was dysfunctional for the children & that he should have moved out (but he refused & I couldn't afford to).

Relate have a good fact sheet on telling the children, if you google it.

Thanks both. prosecco did your dc know you were splitting up during that 2 years? Must have been horrible for you. I can see my situation going rhe same way .

Mine were a bit younger (11 & 8) but the eldest had questions eg why do you & dad have separate bedrooms etc. I answered honestly: because we are happier that way.

We effectively separated under the same roof eg splitting weekends.

But it was extremely dysfunctional ie arguments, not talking at all etc. and I would not revoke it.

My ex did not want to tell the DC either; I think it's denial on their part.

If he's strung it out for 6 months already it's likely he'll continue.

What residency/contact arrangements have you made about the children?

Thanks for that. We haven't got that far but ex says he wants 50/50. He's not been the most involved father (not the worst but also not great) and works full time so i don't think 50/50 is the right way to go. My 16yo I know wouldn't want that (although she's too old to be considered in arrangements anyway) and I'm also pretty sure 12 yo wouldn't want that. Obviously we can't even get their opinions until we tell them.
I just want some honesty. Ex was brought up with secrets and lies and I have no idea why he thinks it's a good idea in this case.

At these ages, a court would take their views in to account - so it's not necessarily a case of 50-50 - your DC will be able to express their views.

My ex did not want to tell them either - 2 bloody years later they were finally told & were not that upset. He was manipulative & controlling in other ways too.

Your children come first, not his opinions.

We are at a similar point, but our children are younger (3 and 7). We’ve put off telling them as at this age they need something more concrete - I want to have found a house first (he’s buying me out). At your children’s age I would probably tell them sooner - they can conceptualise and rationalise more.
I think you both need to be on board with telling them though - would he do a relate session with you to discuss it?

My STBX did not want to tell the kids either, until the very last moment. My kids are grown (23, 20 and 16), I have very good and honest relationship with them and it was very hard for me to do this. I also slept on the floor in our bedroom and was terrified that they will "walk in on me" so to speak, before I told them. So I kept pushing to tell them and when we finally did, it was like this big rock was lifted off my chest.