Adult son at home during separation

[Suburbanqueen]

Hi everyone,
I have pos ted on here before so will just summarise the situation. Been married for 26 years, together for 30. 62 years old. Our son is nearly 27. He had to move with us from London to Bournemouth 3 years ago because he couldn't afford to stay there. He was addicted to weed in London and his mental health was very badly affected by it. Anyway, he has managed to get clean for about a year now and works in a care home . He loves the job but says the management are awful. He has had 4 jobs in 3 years. 2 he left because of 'anxiety'. One he was sacked from. This job has bent over backwards to accommodate his health but because of frequent absence he has been taken off payroll and put onto bank staff. The work is hard and badly paid but he won't look for anything else preferring to spend nearly all his time in his bedroom. He has had a lot of counselling and medication and is under the care of the local mental health Trust.
I am trying to keep myself together somehow by working 2 jobs and driving to Berkshire to look after my little granddaughter. DS went into work yesterday for the 1st time and I get text messages saying how anxious heis and he has a headache and thinks he is going to come home. I lost it completely and said he has to stick it out and if he wants to have ahome when we split up he must work full-time and also not trash his bedroom. His room is disgusting. He has told me that I will regret saying what I said. He has threatened suicide many times and cuts his arms. I have paid for counselling for years and he owes me quite a lot of money. Hasn't paid rent for a few months and we have just given him my car so he can get to work. I am frightened about him but also so bloody angry. I cannot afford to keep him and he has to work and change his life. Has anyone got any advice for me? I am facing change on every front and I am barely hiding it together. I just need him to clean his room so we can sell the house and work conscientiously to find some structure, pay back what he owes. We also have a dog which we got for him when he was suicidal 4 years ago because he said that would help him. He loves the dog but hardly ever walks her or pay for her food or vet's care or insurance. I can't have the dog when I move because I will be out of the house 5 days week and can't afford a dog walker.

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Sorry about the 'x' post! Can't see a way of deleting it

Honestly, if you're going through a separation then you need to put yourself first, not an adult child.

Buy yourself a nice little one bedroomed house and your son can organise his own accommodation or maybe go and live with his dad. Has he registered for social housing yet?

No has hasn't and there is a massive waiting list here so he would be housed in a hostel full of druggies. However, that is a good point and one that I will discuss with husband and son. His father deserves to have some of the angst and look after him for a while.

You can’t afford to house him anymore and he is an adult.

His father could just as easily be providing him a place to live and given the statistics likely is in a better position to do so.

It may also simply be time for him to be independent

Yes Drifting, you're right. He has put a massive strain on the marriage for many years. He is not the cause of the breakdown but he is a contributing factor. I now need to stand firm on this. He cannot live with me nor am I taking the dog.

I have a friend with a son a similar age to yours. He has mental health and does not work. He smokes cannabis and when challenged about lifestyle will make suicide threats/attempts.

My friend cannot have anyone visit her house due to his anxieties. She has been trapped with him during the lockdown. Her own mental health is suffering. Financially she is in debt trying to support them both. The whole situation is a mess and I really worry for her. She also brought him a dog abs he claimed it would help, he doesn't bother with the dog so it's another responsibility for my friend.

In your situation I would not move your son into your new home. I appreciate it's hard, but you need to start a new life for yourself. That doesn't mean you can't be supportive, but he needs to look at how he can start to look after himself.

Omg Blue-sky! So many people with similar stories. It's really hard with a threat of suicide hanging over me but I have to stand firm. Tough love. Thank you for responding. So helps to get others' perspective

You must continue with the plans that are best for you and your well being.
He is responsible for himself and you have done all you can for him.
You can be supportive but he doesn’t need to live with you.

What's your husband's solution to this? Is it all down to you to resolve? I agree with a pp - a one bedroomed place for yourself would be the best thing. Will you have the finances to do that?

Yes, I have the money (when house is sold) to buy a small house a bit further inland. I would liketo be able to have my daughter and granddaughter to stay so ideally 2 bedroom house. My husband will have to step up with son. He has largely left it all to me but I have had enough.

I don't blame you for having enough and FWIW I don't think either of you should live with your son. He's 26 years old and sounds like a nightmare to live with. I think the money for a deposit and a couple of months' rent would be good (with the same amount going to your daughter) but I don't think either of you should be a guarantor, otherwise he'll just stop paying. I'm not sure how possible it is to do that in your area.

Yes , you're right. I need to check on what's needed for flatshares. Hard to get anything affordable here. Almost as bad as London but with terrible wages, minimum wage for most! No, don't want to be a guarantor. Can't take that risk.