Can someone talk me through the process please?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

Separated 4 years. I am still living in marital home,jointly owned. 2 young DC. Ex moved out.

I will be starting divorce proceedings. Have found a solicitor, appointment soon (the first)

Hoping to buy him out with help from parents.

What is the order that things go in? I'll need to get valuations, have confirmed with mortgage company that I can get the mortgage on my own.

Any advice us appreciated.

It's not that simple, and you haven't given enough information.

How much equity, how much mortgage, how much do you earn, how much does ex earn, what's ex paying for now, will he continue to pay the same amount, what maintenance do you get (child/spouse), what other assets and pensions are there, any debts?

This is what your solicitor will advise you on. Take as much information with you as you can to your appointment. Every situation is different.

"The first year is all about the money" - said my uncle. Who gets what. This is the point where couples usually have the most rancorous time. Do you really only have the house as asset to consider?

afaik, In England there's Decree Nisi (divorce granted in principle) followed by Absolute (granted in reality). I've read there is a time limit between them (maybe not true).

After 4 yrs you have gone thru a lot of other steps, that's good.

Most men who have a house usually have a pension. Often the pension is worth more than the equity in the house.

As far as I kniw, there are no other assets on his side. I have a pension. I was the main wage earner, until I went past time after children. He is now self employed. No idea on his earnings.

I'm really interested in the order of things. I suppose the solicitor will tell me, I'm just trying to get it straight in my head. It's not going to be an easy time, he still thinks we can make it work, despite his behaviour. He is abusive, though he'd rather die than admit it.

Not sure if things are same as I am UK but not mainland. My paper work of reasons (unreasonable behaviour) went to court alongside marriage cert, births certs of kids, it was about 6 weeks before Decrees Nisi was granted which severed our finances. We will now work through the financial, splitting of savings, pensions etc. Child maintenance agreed privately but I would like that rubber stamped to protect our kids as much as is possible. Solicitor said we will discuss financials with barrister present. Once that's all done and dusted. Paperwork back to court for Decree Absolut. I had to wait to file for financial reasons. Solicitor said how long it takes depends on circumstances. And divorce courts close over summer here so thats delayed mine a bit. Hope that helps.
And big hugs, divorce is tough no matter how long you have already been separated. Brings up all sorts of stuff.

Thank you @Darkosx3 that's really helpful. Hes "threatened" to start the divorce several times, told me he has actually done it twice, which I was happy about but turned out he hadn't.

I just want it over with, I hate still being tied, and him still trying to control me. I feel like he's got me over a barrel atm,with my trying not to upset things, but I know I need to just crack on.

Just do what is right for you and if that is pushing on, just keep going.
In no time at all, the divorce will be behind you, though it is tough going sometimes.
If he trys to antagonise you, grey rock and bland answers, don't rise to it and keep a record of everything, texts, emails or notes etc. My solicitor recommended I do that in case he contested the divorce but actually I have found it incredibly helpful to just read back and see how much the children and I have moved on.
And most importantly, look after you !!
You are not responsible for anyones happiness other than your own and your childrens.

Are your bank accounts completely separate, OP?

You need Decree Nisi first
possibly on grounds of desertion, but solicitor can advise
After that comes dividing the assets, you need a mortgage agreement in principle
You've got his support for the children to factor in to financial separation if children live mostly with you especially, as well, and access arrangements

Below are Steps friend has gone thru (with related problems along the way). There is a DV history so friend refuses to speak to him directly after Nisi granted; they work thru a mediator at cost = £200 each /hour. So much better if you can speak directly. Friend & her stbxH still share a bank account they are both trying to drain quickly.

Friend Got 3 estate agents in to value the house
Agreed a value of house with stbxH based on higher house value stbxH liked
stbxH has since created many obstacles, argued about value of contents, his share of income from solar panels, and finally with house-market overheating says house should be revalued.

Progress is partly slow because it drains Friend emotionally to deal with her stbxH

There is a joint account that we each pay a share of the mortgage into, that's all. Everything else is separate.

I do ALL of the childcare. He has them 1 day a week. I do or organise all school pick ups and drop offs . Hes had them overnight, for 1 night, 4 times this year.

He pays child support, an amount that he suggested a that I am happy with and has been paying half of the mortgage.

You need to understand what assets there are and agree a split of that
You may or may not be able to stay in the house
You need legal advice

You sound like you're in a good position.

Info here about divorce due to > 2yrs separation.

Thank you. I'll have a read. He thinks I want to screw him over. I don't. But the fact is, the mortgage here is £200 - £300 cheaper than a very small house to rent. Mine isn't isn't big house,2 beds, but big rooms