What else do I need to do?

[NeedSleepNow]

My husband and I have recently seperated (10ish weeks ago) as there were lots of problems at home. His relationship with our children was increasingly strained and I was finding him very hard to live with. At the moment I am in the FMH and he is staying with a friend. He would like to sell the house ASAP but I have said that I am not prepared to yet, the kids need to adjust first. They are living with me (as I have always been their primary carer) and he is seeing them here in the FMH a few times a week. Eventually when he has his own place they will be able to spend time with him there instead and to stay some of the time, probably every other weekend.

In terms of the separation is there anything urgent I need to do? I have removed him from the council tax now that he has moved out and I have closed our joint tax credit claim and made a single claim for universal credit. I need to contact HMRC to cancel the married person's tax allowance as I had previously transferred some of my tax allowance to him. Do I need to take him off the electoral roll at the FMH or is he legally allowed to stay in it as he jointly owns the house? I am in the process of switching the bills from joint names to being in my sole name and moving direct debits to come from my bank account instead of the joint account. Is there anything else I should be doing at this stage? I will get some legal advice, but I am hoping we can keep things as amicable as possible, particularly as I have no savings with which to pay for a solicitor.

I just feel so stressed with it all, I feel like I am drowning in admin, I have no idea how I am going to pay for everything as I am in my universal credit assessment period and don't know what I will actually get, I am trying to keep 3 children busy during the summer holidays with no money, deal with their emotions as they are finding things very hard and then I am having to deal with my husband's emotions too as he doesn't really talk to anyone else about what is happening. I love my children, they are my world but they have only had 3 hours with their Dad without me there since we separated. I feel like I have no time to myself and am almost burnt out. Then he is phoning multiple times a day to speak to the kids, I just feel like I have no space to breath. Please tell me things will get easier with time!

Hi I am in similar situation maybe a few weeks ahead. I reside at fmh with kids Stbxh come stays at fmh with kids 2 nights a week as only renting a room so can't have kids there. I go stay at my mum's when my stbxh is in the fmh. We tried me staying there but he just went into old ways and did nothing with kids left it all to me. Now not only does it means he has to deal with them two nights a week but gives me a little down time is there some way you could do similar I was feeling very burnt out before I did that . It is not perfect solution both feel like living out of bag few nights a week but kids like fact they don't have to both or pack backs. Can't be forever but until we finalise divorce and i buy him out and when kids are bit more used to it seems to work most the time

How long do you plan for him to be with friends
If you own the house jointly he has as much right to remain there as you do
Why should he be sofa surfing ?

What are you plans re housing and financial separation ?

Child maintenance?

@millymollymoomoo

How long do you plan for him to be with friends If you own the house jointly he has as much right to remain there as you do Why should he be sofa surfing ?

What are you plans re housing and financial separation ?

I agree he still has a right to be here, it is just very difficult if we are all here together.

In terms of housing it is just much more practical for him to move out than me. He works remotely so doesn't need to be tied to this area whereas the children and I can not leave the local area because of school and work. I certainly could not stay with friends with 3 children with me, whereas he can easily stay with a friend for a few months and then rent somewhere for 6 months or so (I am hoping to be able to take over all bills for FMH meaning he will have enough money left to rent somewhere) until we sell the house and split the money. Also to rent somewhere big enough for the children to live is much more costly than somewhere smaller for stbxh. I don't want to stay here and tie up his equity for long. I would like a fresh start too.

@waterSpider

Child maintenance?

Oh yes, we have checked what the online Calculator says maintenance should be and are going with that amount.

@Kittycat2019

Hi I am in similar situation maybe a few weeks ahead. I reside at fmh with kids Stbxh come stays at fmh with kids 2 nights a week as only renting a room so can't have kids there. I go stay at my mum's when my stbxh is in the fmh. We tried me staying there but he just went into old ways and did nothing with kids left it all to me. Now not only does it means he has to deal with them two nights a week but gives me a little down time is there some way you could do similar I was feeling very burnt out before I did that . It is not perfect solution both feel like living out of bag few nights a week but kids like fact they don't have to both or pack backs. Can't be forever but until we finalise divorce and i buy him out and when kids are bit more used to it seems to work most the time

I also find that a lot of the time that he is here I am having to do everything still and he rests instead of actually spending quality time with they kids. I think I may have to start going out when he is back seeing the children to stop that happening.

Defo try that u need to look after you too. I got really ill about 6 weeks in proper cold/ flu, not covid just run down . Now I insist he picks up some clack when his time with them . Good luck with it all☘️

@Kittycat2019

Defo try that u need to look after you too. I got really ill about 6 weeks in proper cold/ flu, not covid just run down . Now I insist he picks up some clack when his time with them . Good luck with it all☘️

Thank you. Good luck to you too, I hope everything goes well.

Might be too early but you have you thought on your job/career, you mention the marriage tax allowance so I presume not working?

Probably not the best time with summer holidays (but dependent on what you do) it’s actually a good market to be looking for work

@Southwestrunningmum

Might be too early but you have you thought on your job/career, you mention the marriage tax allowance so I presume not working?

Probably not the best time with summer holidays (but dependent on what you do) it’s actually a good market to be looking for work

I work part time at the moment. The job has good long term prospects and I hope to be able to go full time within the next year once there has been a reshuffle at work. I should be able to progress up the ladder over the next few years too.

When do you intend to sell ?

Have you sought legal advice? You need to

@millymollymoomoo

When do you intend to sell ?

Have you sought legal advice? You need to

I would ideally like to sell in the spring if he will wait that long. This would allow a bit of time for the kids to adjust, would reduce our mortgage redemption fee slightly and give me time to start getting the house ready for sale as it ideally needs a bit of minor work first. If I take over all bills /mortgage between now and then he should be able to afford to rent somewhere until then. Once sold we can split the equity and he can buy himself somewhere and I will be able to rent somewhere for me and the kids.

I need to get some legal advice, that is the next thing on my ever growing list of things to do!

Hi @NeedSleepNow , I am in a similar position and am wondering how things have worked out for you? Thanks

Hi @Abcdefg1234567abcdefg , things have improved a bit but are still tricky. I had forgotten how hard it was back then until rereading my original post a minute ago!

My ex is renting somewhere just himself now but opted to only rent a 1 bed and loves to tell everyone (including the children) that he can't possibly afford somewhere big enough for the children to visit because he has to pay so much maintenance to me. It means that he generally sees the children every week here at the FMH where I still am. I never get a break from the kids, he has probably taken them out on 10 occasions in the last year and I have been with them all of the rest of the time. He feels he can come and go as he pleases as we have not sorted our finances out yet and still own the house jointly. It means I have no space away from him and never get a break from the kids, it is less than ideal!

We are going through mediation now but I haven't filed for divorce yet as I can't afford to do both at the moment. As soon as I can afford it I will file for divorce as I just want to move on with my life now.

It took me a while to get myself sorted but I took over paying all of the bills and mortgage myself. With my wages, maintenance and universal credit I have enough to cover it although only just. I don't know what will happen with the house, the children and I would like to stay here a little longer but my ex is still keen for it to be sold ASAP. My problem is being able to afford to buy something else as interest rates are going up, my borrowing capacity is low and if the house was sold and I rented, my universal credit would stop and all of my equity would be gone on bills and rent within 3 years and then I fear I would never get back on the housing ladder. There is no easy solution unfortunately but ensuring the kids have a happy stable home is my priority.

How far into the separation/divorce process are you? I hope things aren't too tricky or stressful for you right now. It is never easy.

Hi @NeedSleepNow . Thanks so much for responding. I often wonder what has happened to people and their situations so I really appreciate it.

I'm a few months in. We have been backwards and forwards during that time but after finding out some lies he's told me I've decided I need to be brave and move on.

He has been living with his parents and I am in the family home with our children. He picks and chooses when he sees the boys around his social life, although he does see them most days. He was seeing them in the family home but is starting to more frequently be elsewhere, which makes me feel both sad and relieved.

I also work part time on a low wage and can only afford a house if I get a larger share of the money when the house is eventually sold. As he earns a lot more I feel confident that I will be able to get a larger share to buy a decent smaller home for me and my children. I don't want to rent as I agree it can make it hard to get back on the property ladder.

He is currently paying the mortgage and bills. He said he would for a couple of years but I'm definitely not counting on that! Like you, I'd prefer my children to stay in the family home for a while as they're struggling with the separation.

We need to discuss finances but I'm too scared to as I know he will blow up when I tell him it won't be a 50:50 split. He earns 10x my wage. I'll have to do it though and start to look into UC etc. I'm scared to apply for UC as he is still named on everything and paying the bills. Not sure what the rules are there.

You mention that rereading your post makes you realise how hard it was. I hope it feels a bit easier now and that you're happier 😊