Hey I posted on the relationship thread but I didn’t really get much response.
I’m 31, married 10yrs, 2 kids. eldest from previous relationship. Youngest is severely disabled.
I messed up. I posted adult pictures and content online of myself for two reasons, confidence boost & gratification from the attention I was receiving. I proceeded to talk 1:1 online to someone who lives in another country, sometimes smut sometimes general conversation.. it was an escape.
I can’t justify that I messed up but what I can say is it made me feel good, I have an autoimmune condition that means I’ve gained weight in the past two years and it’s extremely evident my husband no longer finds me attractive. I have tried speaking previously to him about it but his always denies it, the bedroom was dead, I tried lingerie and toys to spice things up but his completely unbothered by this. In actual fact he was disgusted I bought myself sex toys as I shouldn’t need them?!?!?!?!
So I posted online to feel good, and I got compliments on my body which made me feel less disgusting. He found these and I told him everything, in which he opened up and said that yes he does find me unattractive because of my weight gain, that years ago at a Xmas party he was in a hotel room with a colleague but knocked her back, that his done cocaine and weed on nights out.
It isn’t just all of this that adds up to my dismay. He is the breadwinner and as such loves to tell me that I bring no income in at times, the house has often been messy simply because depression and chronic illness sometimes makes it hard to bare. He doesn’t help around the house. He also admitted that he thought I was being a munchie to deflect attention from my daughters disability - until the drs confirmed blood work. I mean. Even as I’m tying this I’m thinking WTF.
We said we’d try again, and as such we are still together. I have vowed to rid of my smartphone as he doesn’t trust me, he hasn’t made me do this but now I feel more isolated - I have no friends IRL.
I don’t know how I’ll cope if we separate, not just financially but as a support for our daughter, I don’t know if I’ll be making a huge mistake. Part of me imagines it and almost feels the weight being lifted from my shoulders and then reality sinks in and I doubt I’ll cope - I don’t know if this is myself doubt or something his drummed into me (single mom before meeting him, claims he ‘saved’ me).
Please help. I’m very very all over the place and I can’t come up with a straight solution, whether I’m being a narcissist or what.