Divorcing a narcissistic

[Waitthenwhat]

At the start of the divorce process, but can you please share experiences of divorcing a narcissistic? Anything to be aware off? Any ways of avoiding problems? My STBXH is so manipulative, his mask completely slipped this year and he threatened to hit me. We own the house jointly and don’t think he will budge. Life is unbearable atm and I am worried that he will turn violent once divorce proceedings start…

I'm in the middle of divorce, it is a rollercoaster, tried to be as mild as possible from the start so nothing would trigger and he'd go along with it...even so, theres been 'incidents' and made me realise that :
a) I'm doing this for a reason
b) there's nothing i do would to change his reactions
c) the end is in sight
d) have to keep strong for my DC
e) money is a big trigger and theres bullying into accepting offers that are not reasonable - I stand my ground via solicitor and do not engage at all with him. Still under same roof and cant wait for it to finish. Currently waiting to hear for DN. Its a very slow process.
Make sure you log everything and record conversations, remove all important documents (maybe some clothes too?) to a safe location....keep strong and keep going

Read up on grey rock and start immediately. If he is a narc he will try and ramp up the blaming and hatred to get a reaction.

If possible, do everything through your solicitor. Expect him to be absolutely vile and to completely invent things. The trick is to stay calm and stick to facts, backed up by evidence.

But how can I provide evidence? He threatened to hit me few time, which I have reported to the police but it’s my word against his? He denies all wrong doings!

If you did report him to the police, they'll have logged it.

Dates and times, keep records.

Of course a true narc will deny everything and perhaps even say you were the abusive one, but it's your solicitor's job to prove he's lying and to show that you were abused.

The more time you spend now, in compiling a list of his abuse and a chronology of events, the quicker this harrowing process will be over OP. Remember, narcs need to be right at all times, and they will invest a huge amount of energy and time into trying to show everyone how they have been wounded and how they are actually a wonderful person.

As I said the trick is to not get distracted and upset by the constant ranting/abuse from him. Can you or he stay elsewhere while the process is going on?

Well, that’s the thing, we own the house jointly so he won’t budge! So when you say record: will past emails, convo in whatsup and starting a journal now qualify as evidence?

Could you secretly record him using your mobile phone?

Emails and whatsapp yes, plus dates when you spoke to a third party like the police, I used all of that with my sol.

Thanks everyone. I am recording few bits just for my mental sanity! As sol said court won’t use what has been obtained without consent?….Grey rocking is exactly what I am doing atm, plus the few trips to the bathroom to have a good cry and let it all out…it’s hard work! Really hard work

Document everything. Keep a journal of his behaviour, what he says, what day he says it - this can be used as evidence. Dig in as they won't let you go easily. Pick your battles and make a decision about what you are willing to let go. Don't engage in the battle as they love it too much and will make it drag on for years. You will be punished even if the issue stems from their behavior. Don't ever call him a narcissist to professionals - as this word gets banded around way too easily. Just describe his behaviors and back it up with written evidence if you can. And get support - counselling, narc forums / help groups. Make sure you are mentally and emotionally strong to deal with these lizards.

All of this said from first hand experience - I have been through it and am thankfully out the other side but even now, 5 years on, I still have to deal with ex BS

So today husband comes to me and tells me that he won’t be paying the mortgage and I have to deal with it until I pay my fair share of the deposit for the house! How is that fair if when we bought the house I used to get paid 1/5 his salary! And had to cover all childcare costs myself! I am furious! I also spent all my saving on the house renovation (a good 30k over the last 2 years!). Isn’t that financial control? He tells me to not use his account (ie our joint account) as I spent £10 for food in lidl…the kids are on holidays and he didn’t do the food shop in 2weeks! Oh my god, that’s a complete new low!

Yes mine does stuff like this. Breathtaking. They want what's owed. Like Shylock. It's part of their psychology. You've got to be cool and calm and follow procedure.

You could always just not pay for mortgage. It's like a game of chicken. He might pay it. Or it'll all unravel.

You need a consent order or a court visit for financials but don't expect it to be straightforward.

I know we will get to court for the financials no doubt! How much should I expect to pay for that? I don’t have lots if savings to cover it all? I am also so fed up I just want to file for divorce. I can see that I can do that online. Are there examples out there to follow, I need to be careful what to put on the form since we are still living under the same roof…I can’t stand him!

Well it's expensive! Can be cheaper if you self represent. You can work out a settlement together and get it into a consent order, if you can agree.
You can file for unreasonable behaviour. Anything unreasonable. Threatening violence, doesn't listen to me, criticising everything I do and so on.
He might not like it. They can get worse during first year of separation unfortunately so steel yourself

I know! I have an exit plan if things get bad! Going back to the financial bit, my husband works in financial banking so gets paid big bucks but this all goes through his ltd company and then he pays himself a salary. Will the court look at his contract of employment and potential earnings or what he pays himself?

Mine hasnt done the shopping for nearly two months, only buys his special food items that arent a lot and i do the full shop for me and the kids but he comes back from work and eats it ! Earns 3x my income, now I have to pay the mortgage - which i knew I'd have to eventually but is also demanding house deposit money from 23 years ago...money is getting tight but cant do much about sorting bills or claim UC as he's not left yet...
You can put unreasonable behaviour and there are many examples online, so they can be minor things but the wording has to be accurate...you can self-represent at any point and do DIY divorce , if you eventually agree on financials you'll have to get a solicitor to do the final consent order for you and submit it to the court

I feel for you. I left my narcissistic ex 7 years ago - it’s been horrendous… first thing I’d say is try not to react, they love to get a reaction. Secondly remember every accusation from a narcissist is a confession. Thirdly - as already said - log everything he says/does. Re the mortgage if he doesn’t pay it I believe you’re entitled to the amount you paid that he didn’t before the 50/50 split.

But be prepared to have to deal with his sh** for a long time - sadly they don’t go away easily.

Find a good friend to vent to and don’t own the crap he throws at you. Finally, remember you aren’t any of the hideous things he’ll accuse you of being - so don’t own them or second guess yourself.

The last post from @Waitthenwhat was August. Hope you are ok. Saw this in active.

@sellthesizzle has wise words. My ex narc has been 'ok' for years but something has set him off again. Had a load of abuse since yesterday. Don't react. They love drama.

I lost my house to my ex but I gained so much more. Hope you are ok

Thank you all for the comments and advice. The divorce process is well underway now. Finances to sort next and I know he is not going to make it easy. Sometimes I am strong and other times less so...but the good thing is that I am thinking a bit more clearly now. The emotional/mental manipulation that I was subjected to had its toll on my mental and physical health and now it's almost like a fog that's starting to lift. We all deserve better...

Stay strong. Of course it will have an impact on your health but you're moving forwards and every step is positive to finding peace and recovery.

Here to listen if you ever need to vent. Mumsnet was amazing in supporting me through when I went through it.

Join Caroline Strawson’s free FB group. It saved me in a similar situation and has literally changed my life. Someone on MN pointed me her way & I’ve never looked back xx

I strongly recommend you to read Narcissism and the Law which I borrowed from my solicitor.
bathpublishing.com/products/narcissism-and-familylaw-a-practitioners-guide

It's all in there. I'm divorcing a horrible man. He is devious and nasty and lived in the annex in my back yard since December. The financial abuse has been nasty and I'm exhausted. I have a really good friend who is going the same with a narc since February and we have created a bubble in what looks like us both falling into a totally parallel universe.

It's tough, but the book helped educating myself a lot.

Good luck!

Thank you supermagique for sharing. I have also listened to this podcast by the same author which was excellent - highly recommend: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/narcissists-in-divorce-the-lure-the-loss-and-the-law/id1550583023
I am lucky in that I built my career over the last few years before filling for divorce, and so I am at a point where I am thinking I might compromise on the settlement to get out of this toxic relationship as soon as I can. My mental and physical health is more important than money (no big assets to share unfortunately despite his high-flying career!).

ooh, started to listen to the podcast now, thanks. They are producing precious resources there to keep sane and dealing with these people.
It's good that you don't have assets to share and have your job. My ex took control of finances as soon as we were married and I was already pregnant and he made me close my bank account.
I'm not a 'kept' type of woman and on the contrary had fended for myself from age 18 after leaving my two narc parents who were abusive.
He has been incredibly clever at manipulating, I still wonder how I was so naive, and bite myself for it every day.
I'm 10 months into the legal fight and many more months to come as he won't give up until he sees me annihilated.

I spot the narc instantly now in all kinds of social situations now, that's my new party trick.