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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

When you live on your own after seperation

10 replies

libertyfarmboots · 16/08/2021 09:28

what is it that makes the difference? You’re still doing all the same things if you have kids, still doing the same dishes and making the same beds, but I get the sense it feels different for a lot of women than the drudgery it can feel like in the home you had when you were married.

OP posts:
WhereismyHeathcliff · 16/08/2021 09:53

There is no one there to criticise you, it's like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
The children and I found the house was calmer and happier, and on a trivial note if you leave the tidying up a day or two...its your mess and you know the house will be like how you left it ( it also says tidy sometimes too)
there is no resentment over another adult adding to the housework and endless jobs but not adding anything else to your life
I feel free...but then I was in an emotional abusive marriage so I'm 100% better off single

Happierwithouthim · 16/08/2021 10:01

The psychological freedom, not having to walk on eggshells, the ability to come and go as you please not answer to anyone, no one leaving their mess or eating the food you'd planned for tomorrow's lunch, no expectations except your own! Ability to create a harmony, a routine, enjoy your free time, your home and your children

MeanderingGently · 16/08/2021 10:22

There is a world of difference, I could write pages but I won't.

For a start I realised that the workload was no different whatsoever. I'd expected to feel over-burdened but I didn't, I realised I had been a "lone parent" in my marriage for years, I did absolutely everything so I was able to cope on that front easily.

The difference came, as other pp have said, in the calmness of the home. No-one criticising, no-one demanding extra stuff on top of everything else, no treading on eggshells and 'getting things wrong', children weren't shouted at. I never realised how afraid my son was of his father until we parted.

Choice and freedom is lovely. Might be the same housework but we can leave the dishes to another day if we want. Bedtimes at whatever time we want, in fact the whole day can go to a different timetable if we wish.

Freedom to choose how I structure my house, how I decorate my home, how I deal with the children. Freedom to go out when we like, have whichever friends over we like, let the children have sleepovers when we like, eat what we like.

No-one criticises my parents, or complains when they help. No extra mouth to feed, just me and the children who can shop when we want, chill out when we want, make plans and no-one disrupts them.... Children's behaviour calmed down too, can't recommend it highly enough!

Millshake01 · 16/08/2021 10:45

Need to hear this, this morning!

fedupsmurfing · 16/08/2021 10:49

Today is the first day of being free for me. I already feel better so this is great to hear other experiences

Hathertonhariden · 16/08/2021 10:53

Yes, you still have the same chores but you're free of the emotional burden around arguing about who is doing what or resenting the fact that your partner isn't pulling their weight. As pp have said the freedom to make decisions that suit you is wonderful.

You're less stressed and that impacts on your dc if you have them.

KurtWilde · 16/08/2021 10:55

There's a world of difference. There's freedom from constant bickering and criticism, from barbed comments and gaslighting. Being free to come and go when you like without a barrage of questions. Being free to parent in a way that makes sense to you rather than falling in line with someone else's set rules. Eating when you like. Doing chores when you see fit. Going to bed when you choose. Not feeling pressured into sex. It feels like freedom. Psychologically and physically.

Happierwithouthim · 16/08/2021 11:12

@fedupsmurfing

Today is the first day of being free for me. I already feel better so this is great to hear other experiences
Best of luck, today is the first day of the rest of your life
LemonTT · 16/08/2021 11:44

Couples only work when they row in the same direction on equal terms to jointly agreed destination.

When you don’t then you are both expending a lot of time and energy (physical and mental) trying move forward. In the end you just go round in circles. With added arguments and frustration.

When it’s just you rowing then it might be harder and slower but you move forward to the destination you want to arrive at.

Hermanfromguesswho · 16/08/2021 11:54

It’s so much easier doing it all yourself when you don’t have a constant ball of resentment in your stomach because the other adult is not doing his share. In fact often having another adult there causes more work…leaving mess around, not being considerate etc. Lying in bed half the day sweating, not checking they have locked the door on their way out etc etc
Plus of course no one to comment if you leave the dishes till the next day

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