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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Marriage breakdown, baby 4 months old

20 replies

SilverWings687 · 15/08/2021 08:53

My husband and I have decided to separate. He does not want to try marriage counselling and there is no way forward.
Our DS is 4 months old. DS and I will be moving in with my parents. I need some advice on how much time is reasonable for my husband to see baby. What have been others experience? Would just weekends be reasonable for him? I know he needs to see him and have a good relationship with our son, I know this is important. Due to the age of our baby I would find it so difficult leaving him overnight. I'm not breastfeeding, only pumping. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 15/08/2021 10:12

What is he suggesting?

Original poster

SilverWings687 · 15/08/2021 10:45

He said the weekend and a day in the week

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 15/08/2021 10:52

Usually it’s suggested little and often, with frequent visits / contact but shorter in duration

However, the main thing is what works fir you all and keeping a level of flexibility and change as baby grows.

Personally I feel a mid week is beneficial

Fluffyhairdontcare · 15/08/2021 10:53

How are you feeding your baby? Of breastfed then not possible to do longer than a couple of hours.

And actually, regardless of how t
Your baby is fed, research on attach.ent shows that tint babies like yours need their main caregiver. They form an attachment to ONE person first ans then other attachments develop. Really your tiny baby shouldn't be away from their main caregiver for long. Overnights at this age aren't necessary. Obviously make your own judgement on this but don't feel pressured.

YoBeaches · 15/08/2021 11:34

Agree with previous poster, no overnights or weekends until much older.

He could have for an hour or so in the evenings (depending on work schedule) a few times a week and the same at weekends. Regular and short periods, baby needs you as primary caregiver when so small.

Overnights aren't generally recommended now till much older (plus 1yr) but building their relationship now will be good to prepare for that.

Original poster

SilverWings687 · 16/08/2021 20:43

Thanks for your replies. He has said that he wants him overnight at the weekends. I said I would find it too difficult to leave him at such a young age. He said "we'll build up to it". Has anyone else experienced separating when their baby was so young snd allowing them to stay over with their father at the weekend? Emotionally it would be so much of a struggle.

OP posts:

YoBeaches · 16/08/2021 21:35

Perhaps share with him some of the research and recommendations to date..

www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/special-considerations-infants-and-toddlers

And perhaps consider going to court if you have to.

It really isn't the done thing to co-parent a child of this age in this way. Your ex is jumping ahead a few years.

The child's needs must come first.

Have you been the primary caregiver to date? Is there any abuse in the relationship?

Popskipiekin · 16/08/2021 21:42

Great advice above. Quite apart from not separating a baby from its primary care giver this young, my only comment re allowing your ex-h to have weekends this early is it sets a precedent … won’t you want some weekends yourself at some point? Why not allow time mid week and time at weekends, and when longer stints and overnights start to be introduced much later on, insist on having every other weekend with you.

millymollymoomoo · 16/08/2021 23:02

Not me personally but I do have two friends who separated then divorced and did overnights from 6 months old. It was hard for them but it did work out and both have very well adjusted children who have solid relationships with both parents

It can work

My own babies would stay overnight with grandparents a few times a month from that age so it’s not really much different to that

On here you only see the attachment to primary caregiver stuff and babies shouldnt be separated from mothers overnight for years…. He is his dad too and I’m sure does not want to be separated from his child either.

Perhaps start the daytime schedules and see how that goes with a view to overnights after a few months if it’s going well

Original poster

SilverWings687 · 16/08/2021 23:02

Thank you for your replies. I am the primary care giver.

There have been instances on his part which have indicated emotional abuse. I spoke to my HV about certain things that have been said and done and she advised this indicates emotional abuse. But I don't know really. That seems a bit far fetched so I'm not going down that route. I know the good side of him and he is a good person he just gets easily frustrated with me. We are incompatible hence the joint decision to separate.

Definitely no overnight stays after reading the above article. Thank you for sharing that link. I will forward it to my husband.

Gosh I am very concerned about how this separation will affect the emotional development of my DS. What can I do to reduce this risk? I want him growing up emotionally strong snd with no personality problems :( It's a catch 22 situation though because if I stay with my husband, DS is likely to experience arguments and bad atmospheres between us in the future.

OP posts:

Nannyamc · 16/08/2021 23:09

My ds and partner were in this situation. My son lives with us so 4 month old came here. 3 yrs on he comes here every weekend. No problems whatsoever. Sees this as his second home.

Original poster

SilverWings687 · 16/08/2021 23:10

@millymollymoomoo
Thank you for your reply. That's great to hear you have friends who have made overnights work from such a young age. Yes you are right, he is his dad and I want him to have a good strong relationship with him. I just want to do the right thing for DS, to help him develop the best way he can. I know yes, it is going to be really hard for my husband too being away from him. I think doing a few day visits and slowly progressing to overnights would be the best way.
Gosh I just wish our relationship could be saved really :( But we keep trying and keep falling out :(

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverWings687 · 16/08/2021 23:12

@Nannyamc That's wonderful to hear. Thank you for the reassurance :)

OP posts:

YoBeaches · 17/08/2021 06:09

I totally support the father also In These situations, but not at all costs. Any child at this age will Benefit better from short regular visits rather than prolonged periods of time away from primary caregiver. Just as it would be at home if you lived together - you wouldn't be disappearing for 2 days every week....baby's security right now you.

The reason I asked about abuse is because of his comment about building up to it. It comes across like he is not open for discussion, is ' telling' you what is going to happen regardless of what's best for baby or you. That is emotional abuse.

Is he angry about the break up? When are you moving to parents?

bookishtartlet · 19/08/2021 23:17

I don't have the answer, but I have very similar experience.

My stbxh and I split when I was pregnant with our second child. He demanded over nights from 2 weeks old. Obviously, I did not agree to this.

Shes now 7 months and I still have not agreed to overnights, instead he would visit her at my home two or three times a week. This become unbearable due to his attitude and way he spoke to me. I allowed him to take her for an hour around 5 months and have built it up from there. The longest so far was 6 hours and she didn't nap and had very little milk when away, so I've pulled that back again. We are not amicable and he keeps threatening court but has yet to actually proceed. He wants her 5050 as of now, but I do not agree this is best for her or our eldest who does do overnights.

Its a nightmare, you have my sympathy. Get yourself a decent lawyer if you can, and if he is being difficult. I fully believe in the article above, the first 3 years are crucial for attachment development and therefore I am her primary care giver. Do not allow him to pressure you.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2021 23:22

I agree with no overnights. Id say two half days a week to start with. Are you both absolutely sure there is no chance of a reconciliation.

millymollymoomoo · 20/08/2021 08:21

Why should dad only get a few hours. ? It’s his child too. Honestly, how would op feel of her husband said, I’m taking the baby and you can see them a few hours because it’s important they feel attached to me

It’s perfectly possible for babies and young children to bond and feel secure with multiple people

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 08:40

Because thats how it is. Do you never watch nature programmes.

pointythings · 20/08/2021 10:46

millymollymoomoo the evidence is that for babies under a year old, little and often are the most beneficial, and overnights are not. Contact is supposed to be handled in the best interest of the child, not either parent.

JaneKing75 · 20/08/2021 11:06

I dated a man who had his 2.5 year old overnight whilst I was there, the mother would have been horrified if she'd seen what I saw frankly.
The grandma, his mum did most of the work anyway, but drove around the safari park with the baby on her lap and thought that was fine for example (luckily the mother spotted that one on FB).
I would strongly resist overnight as long as you can, until the child can speak.

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