How do you live with the guilt?

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I left DH four weeks ago, I’m stopping with the children at my parents’ house. It’s not ideal, the dc would be much happier in their house but he won’t leave so I’d no choice.
He has promised to make loads of changes, he previously had little involvement with the dc and had never taken the two of them anywhere together and not very often one at a time either.

Since I left we’ve seen more of him than when I was there. I’m doing a lot of driving back and forth, I’m pretty exhausted. If anything it’s worse. Ds said - we see dad more now than when we lived there.
DH is trying hard and I suppose I should give it another go.
Dd - 5 - is very upset. She has been crying and saying she just wants us to all live together and she thinks we are breaking up. She kept saying I don’t understand why and then crying again.
It has made me feel like a terrible selfish person. I am tempted to just remove myself from the situation totally, as it is me that is causing this.

How do you cope with the guilt? Ultimately I’m going to go back because I have no choice. I don’t really want to but everyone else is now so unhappy that the guilt is going to consume me.

No you don't have to go back.

Why are you doing all the driving?

Move out with your DC and love on your own.

You and your DC will be unhappy if you back. He is abusive he sexually assaults you including in front of the DC.

You get over the guilt with therapy for you. You get over the guilt by realising longer term your DC will be happier with you separated.

When I split from my DS's dad, a friend said something very helpful: sometimes a family is fixed by separation, whereas it had been broken before.

And she was right. Staying with my ex wouldn't been impossible. One of the things that drove me to pull the plug on the relationship was the horrendous model it was offering to our DS as to what a loving, functional relationship looked like.

You wrote: "Ds said - we see dad more now than when we lived there." This was true of us, too. I realised my ex was teaching my DS by example what it means to be a husband and a father, and that's really what I did not wish my DS to learn.

It's been so much better since we split.

I can’t comment on this from a personal perspective, but I read your post and it seems like you’re spiralling, so I just thought I’d make a couple of (hopefully helpful) points:

1. Your DH has allowed you and the children to leave because he won’t leave? This gives me enough of an idea about him to see why you wanted to leave. Why would you then go back to him?
2. There is no way you can split up with your children’s dad and them not be affected negatively by it. Of course they are upset. It’s a totally normal reaction from them. But I’m sure you’ve not taken this decision lightly. So whilst they are understandably upset, that isn’t a reason to change your mind. They will be less upset in time. They will come to see it as normal. Children are resilient, and they will cope.
3. If you do go back now, it might make everyone feel better right now. But what about in the long run? What about next time you split up, because nothing has really changed? You’ve done the hardest part already. It would be cruel to everyone to go back unless you genuinely want to and think you can realistically make it work.
4. Whilst they are upset now, two happy parents coparenting together effectively are likely be a lot better for them in the long run than a miserable and unhealthy marriage.

...all of which is a long way of saying: I had nothing to feel guilty about. I would have had something to feel guilty about if I'd stayed.

Reassure your DD that she will see just as much of her dad now as she ever did. She's not losing him. This is fixing the family, not breaking it.

@RandomMess

No you don't have to go back.

Why are you doing all the driving?

Move out with your DC and love on your own.

You and your DC will be unhappy if you back. He is abusive he sexually assaults you including in front of the DC.

You get over the guilt with therapy for you. You get over the guilt by realising longer term your DC will be happier with you separated.

Jesus, I haven’t seen your other threads.

Do not go back to this man.

Do not go back to this man.

Do not go back to this man.

This is horrific, I’m so sorry.

If your husband has been abusive, you have left for the right reasons, your children may be upset and unsettled at the moment but you are the adult and you have to make the decisions as they are to young to underatand the implications of going back. Stay strong, it will get easier in time and don't believe that he will change now that you have left, he will say whatever he knows you want to hear to get you to come back, it doesn't mean he has the capacity to follow through with it. I left an abusive ex 17 years ago when our boys were 3 & 7 and they are now adults and have told me I did the right thing. 💐💐💐

I fell for exp's effort making /promises of change. We got back together 6 months later - got married very quickly.. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Marriage didn't last a year...

He’s only had the dc on his own 8 hours in four weeks and he took them to his mum’s. which is fine but he still hasn’t done anything with them on his own.

He never will because he sees it as your job. It's deliberate part of the abuse so you are too tired and worn out to think straight.

I live with it because I know I am setting f a good example to my dd.

My situation is different to yours. Since I left he's made no effort to see his dd. Nor pay CMS. Totally different thread. Sigh.

But. I know it's a better atmosphere. I know it's a better more happy life. I know I offer her a good role model in what I am doing.

@Cornfieldrainbows why did you leave?
If you are absolutely serious about this separation then I would advise you to definitely not go back. I let my H back after a separation and it didn't work out. So I have had to go through it all again. The "Talk" and 2nd time is just as bad believe me. I was consumed with guilt. Especially when the eldest got involved. H involved him. I didn't want any of my kids involved. But H manipulated him. And made me feel very guilty. I started to feel very sad for H. But in all reality he was the one that drove me to this decision!
Stay strong and follow your gut instinct

If he's not horrible, I'd go back so that the kids can be in their home. I'd make it clear to DH that this is not a reconciliation but an opportunity for him to demonstrate how things will permanently change. And then if he doesn't, I'd stay put and file for divorce. I would not allow myself and my kids to be shunted out of the house. Good luck.

OP I’ve just read your other thread and have you thought about what, if anything, YOU would want to happen if you went back? How would you feel a year down the line if those expectations haven’t been met?

Never mind about what he wants, and how much he is ‘trying’, what do you want? Once you have figured that out, then set about figuring out how to make your life worth it for you. You don’t owe him anything. You have left and taken your children with you - what do you want them to learn from it? My mum left my dad so many times and it was never for long and it just became a horrible vicious circle of her leaving, taking us, going to grans, him tracking us down, going back, repeat - for years. I always think, what if she’d just not went back the first time? We’d have built a new life, a new normal, in the years that it took for them to finally separate and those intervening years were mostly awful, for all of us.

Please don’t rush back because you feel you’ve no choice. You really do have the chance to do leave, you’re doing it right now, one day at a time and you’re doing really well.

As a child of divorce - they'll get over it. It was horrible but now I have good relationships with both and also two extra step parents who are a lot of fun

Don't go back. You also matter. And, like you said... they see MORE of dad now.