Hi! I had posted back last year that I was looking to separate and wondered how I could see it through, and ended up not seeing it through but here I am, trying again, and at the beginning of the separation process. It’s not acrimonious and I go between between desperately sad that it hasn’t worked out, and feeling lighter and freer than I have in a long time.
I have a few questions for anyone who might be able to advise -
Firstly, how do you bear the sadness at the times it hits most? He is a really good guy and a really fantastic dad and while I know I’m not responsible for how he chooses to move on, I feel so guilty and almost like I’ve let him down.
How do you begin to explain separation to a five year old? I think this was the reason I allowed myself to be talked round last year, because I can’t bear to blow up my child’s life. I actually have no intention of doing so, I’ll be looking for a place nearby (staying in the same house for now until I can find something suitable, no real hurry) and we’re both determined to put her first. It’s just explaining to her why we won’t be all living together anymore that I’m not sure how to approach. I don’t know whether to be straightforward from the outset, or just take it a bit at a time as the housing situation changes etc.
Is there any literature on how best to handle a separation at that age? She’s quite a matter of fact little girl and I think she’ll handle some aspects relatively well, but other things like missing her dad when she’s with me and vice versa and I’m terrified of handling it badly. I see some things that say ‘don’t give children that age the choice of where to stay as it will start them on questioning themselves’, while others say thing like give them as many choices as possible. I would lean towards as much routine as possible but I’ve no idea if that’s the right thing.
To be fair over the last while we’ve been functioning as friends and parents and seem to have fallen into a routine of parenting and fitting around each other’s work and hobbies without using babysitters and it wouldn’t be too much of an upheaval for us to translate that over to two households but would that be the best thing for her as it would basically be 2-2-2-1 every week. I know some friends who tend to do a week about but I don’t think that would work for any of us.
I had also read that continuing to do things as a ‘family’ can confuse children where the parents are separated, has anyone found this to be the case? We do have previously made plans and we have been talking about continuing to do Christmas and her birthdays together as usual. The thing is, we do get on well and I can see us being friendly throughout, and I wouldn’t see the point of forcing us all to be completely separate with handoffs? There will inevitably be crossover with school drop offs and pick ups and in the holidays etc. Surely having friendly parents isn’t confusing if it’s just the new norm?