Shared custody and days - younger children (3 and 7)

[Levithecat]

DH and I are separating, he is buying me out of the house and while we’re both here at the moment I’ve had the chance to stay with my parents for a week or so. I’d assumed we’d do 2-2-3 as general advice is more frequent handovers while kids are smaller (mine are just 3 and nearly 8), but they’ve been struggling with the changes and not knowing where they’ll be. I did a picture calendar for them for these weeks, but that hasn’t helped massively. It might just be because it’s all so new...
Is anyone with primary/younger kids doing a different schedule and how does it work? Or any advice generally? I couldn’t go a full week without seeing them.
Thank you X

Realistically what is going to fit in with you and your ex work pattern? 2-2-3 is great but if one of you works shifts or lates it might not be best

Thanks Woodmarsh - we both work flexible hours from home so that’s ok, and I am looking for a place under 5miles from him. It’s more how disruptive that might be for the kids, chopping and changing so much.

Lots do alternate weeks as it's much clearer for the children. Which is more important that the parent's 'need' to not go that long without seeing them.

Maybe try that? With a week day tea for the parent who doesn't have them that week?

I guess you are looking for 50/50 time with the children?

One of my friends has this and one of parent drops their son to school and the other one picks him up every day, so they take turns like that. It does mean that he rarely goes home to where he came from that morning though, which I think is a bit disruptive but seems to work for them. Dad tends to keep him Friday night-Saturday morning, then mum has him Saturday afternoon and night, they alternate Sundays.

If your kids are getting confused and not knowing where they will be, maybe it would be better to have set days with each parent? So they know they're with you Mondays & Tuesdays, then with their dad Weds & Thursday, and then alternate weekends?

Personally I think you're right not to think about one week on, one week off at the moment. Your children are a bit young and also your split is too recent. Better for them to see both parents more frequently while they get used to the change, then you can look at doing longer stretches when it's the norm for them to only be with one of you at a time and they're a bit older. 3 is very young to do week on/week off.

Could you do say M-F afternoon with you, then Fri eve until Mon morning with ex? Do you both work?

Hi,

My daughter is 3.5 and I was keen to do 2-2-3 but my ex wouldn't budge. I spent more time with her than my ex but she is very attached to her mum. We do Tuesday and Thursday after nursery and all day Saturday and she does not stay with me overnight at all. She says "mummy will miss me" which is another story entirely.

Anyway point is that for your 3 year old to have more stability maybe something like that would work with overnights and 2-2-3 introduced gradually. I would love to have mine more but in the time we have she is happy and that's most important!

Thank you all - really appreciate the replies and reassured about doing more than a week on/week off. We’d like to alternate weekends so that we both get to do weekend things with them, but maybe something a bit more fixed each week for now would help.
We’d also like to do some ‘family’ dog walks (the dog will be staying with whoever doesn’t have the kids and so they’ll miss it) so I don’t think they’d go a long time without seeing each of us. I’m just struggling with the balance of being predictable/having a routine and also helping them feel life hasn’t changed so unbelievably.

We both work pretty much the same hours, from home and share childcare currently. Agreed to 50/50 custody

My ex isn't able to have our son (aged 3) stay over during the week due to his work so he picks him up from nursery on Tuesdays and Thursdays and brings him back to mine and does dinner and bed. Another option to think about if your split is amicable enough. He then has him Saturday lunchtime to Sunday lunchtime and we often do things all together at the weekend too.

We separated when DS was 8 and did 2 2 3. I printed off a colour coded Google Calendar for him to have in his school bag and on his wall.
I have asked him since (now 11) if he would prefer a different arrangement like week mum/dad and he says he likes seeing each of us often.

Ah that’s great @Athrawes - I have a hand drawn one for the hols in my eldest’s room but don’t think he’s looked at it! Printed one in his achool bag too sounds great. And I’m glad to hear 2 2 3 worked well for him
@mswales thank you - having them from pick up for tea etc sounds good. That might be a good idea to get one on one time with each of the boys too, without disrupting overnights.
Really glad to hear you do things altogether too - this is my hope.

We went to court and my Xh who worked shifts was given 5 nights of his choosing within every 14 day period, sometimes he would do all 5 at once sometimes it was 2 & 3 night blocks. He also had 2 weeks in the summer holidays and 2 half term s. What helped us was having an enormous wall planner with the days coloured in. You will find a way that works for you all, good luck.