NC and posting because I haven't talked to anyone IRL and just not sure what to do or where to start.
My marriage hasn't been great for a few years, but I've had MH problems and not been able to work for a lot of that time, so it's just been an easier option to hide my head in the sand and carry on. What's now brought things to a head is I've found out that dh has been having a flirtation (if thats the right word) with a woman at work. I don't think it's an actual physical affair yet. I found out from some random comments at a social event which I don't think I was meant to hear (or perhaps someone was trying to drop hints I'm not sure), so I've then checked his emails and seen a couple he's sent to a woman and her replies (seemed to be clear he is pursuing her, she's just broken up with someone and likes him but not ready for a new relationship yet. There was also something that made me think he might have had a previous affair, but I'm not sure as it was just a hint). This fits in with a load of out of character things have been niggling at me, like he's bought lots of new clothes, unexplained items on bank statements, more socialising with work, he used to moan about working long hours and now says he likes it, seems distracted and more snappy a lot of the time.
We have grown apart over the years and a lot of the time I'm putting up with stuff that makes me really unhappy, like he gets angry, disrespectful and undermining in the way he treats me, and sometimes he's really moody and barely speaks for days. I have to admit I've fantasised about living alone, but that's very different from the reality, which I'm terrified about - I know that sounds pathetic. I am also devastated about the dishonesty. I never thought he was the sort of man who would pursue another woman secretly.
I haven't even mentioned it to him yet. As far as I know he assumes I have no suspicions. I need to work out what I think and it's not easy while the kids (teenagers) are off school - just trying to appear as normal as possible and hoping for time to get my head straight once term starts.
I also have no idea what he's planning. I partly think he maybe just wants a bit on the side, because he's still talking about long term plans like holidays we might go on in the next couple of years or stuff we'll get done to the house, and some of the stuff we've bought is more things he's wanted, like a conservatory which I didn't want but gave in because he was so keen, so why would he do things like that if he's thinking of leaving? I'm confused because we would definitely have to sell our house to live separately.
So, I'm just not sure what to do next. I feel like I need to work out what I want before I talk to anyone - I don't have any close friends I feel I could confide in as they are mostly couple friends, and I'm not that close to my family.
Financially he has always been the breadwinner. He wanted me to stay at home with the kids. I did have a career 18 years ago, but I am too out of touch to go back to that. I've had depression and anxiety and a minor disability, which have also meant it was easier to be a SAHM, so I've only done occasional self-employed work - no references and not much of a CV. At least we own the house outright and could sell it and each buy a smaller place, but I know I'd need to work to pay bills.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Just writing it down as a first step I suppose, and maybe others have similar experiences. I am thinking what I need to do is:
Gather evidence eg print out those emails so he's not able to explain things away.
Have a look at our finances - he mostly does all that, but I can access stuff like the online accounts, but nearly everything's in our joint names and I don't think I can change this because I don't have enough of my own income to get an account.
Try and get a job. I''ve got a degree but I'm really so lacking in recent skills and experience. I am thinking of doing something like volunteering somewhere, like doing admin for a charity or something, to give me something to put on a cv.
How would I find out about things like pension rights? I only have a very small pension from years ago, but he has always paid into a work pension - would I have any entitlement to a portion of that. I am really worried that I would have no income or security if we split. I feel stupid now that I gave up my career without even thinking - I thought I was lucky that I didn't need to work - I know I sound like a pathetic idiot.
I don't know know what else I need to think about. Sorry for a huge brain dump. Thanks to anyone who's managed to read any of it. At least it's helped to have to put it into words.