Help

[Sweetie1980]

Hi, I submitted a petition via gov net but I will need to use a solicitor for the other stages , children and finances . I am a Sahm , working part time ( trying to get more hours but only 10-15 at he moment ) totally flexible around kids/holidays . DH has always left everything to me but is now demanding 50/50 , he is very verbally abusive and I really don’t think this is best for the kids , he has been working at home since covid but has always said he doesn’t have time to deal with them , but will decrease his work ( he is on daily rate so I don’t know how ) has anyone been through similar ? I am so worried . I hardly slept last worrying how my children would deal with this , I want them to feel secure .

I don't know the answer I'm afraid - I'm in a similar position, STBX doesn't do that much with our child, but is suddenly demanding 50/50 custody and being awkward about it because I work shifts - he wants a nice easy plan that doesn't revolve around my work, but by the same token, how can it not? I think it's the only control he's got left over me and is using it to his full advantage, as well as the fact he wouldn't have to pay maintenance.
Is he verbally abusive just to you or the kids as well? If he's verbally abusive to the kids, you might have good grounds not to go 50/50, but it would also be proving it and I would seek immediate legal advice to get the ball rolling.
If you can sort something out to give it a trial and see how it goes and keep a diary/log of failed contact and arrangements, that will give you some good armour to show 50/50 won't/isn't working. If he's that disinterested, he will find sticking to 50/50 a lot harder than you (and is the hope for my STBX too) - probably hasn't worked out that if they're sick or on holiday for his days, he will have to sort them without leaning on you to pick up the slack.
Sorry I haven't got the answer for you, but good luck x

If you can find a way to pay a solicitor (I had to borrow money from my parents which I will then by paying back through the settlement) I would do that, my solicitor has been invaluable in terms of knowledge and advice, find someone who specialises in the area you need the most help with, for me it was finances so found a family lawyer with specialties in finances, you might want to try and find a family lawyer with specialties in child custody.
Good luck

Thank you for your help . I got a quote from a good family lawyer but she is £30 an hour ! Is this normal ? He will get an expensive one I expect .. it’s so stressful when he is busy with work as he can’t take any kind of noise , kids arguing .. this is what worries me about 50/50

Sorry £300

Does he realise that 50:50 means he will have to supply everything for when the dc are with him. If I was having to do this I think I'd be sending the dc with just the clothes the were wearing each time. Men who go for 50:50 to avoid maintenance need to realise its still going to cost them.

I don’t think he realises . I think he would even struggle with even one overnight during the week . Yesterday he finished work around 6pm, went for a run and then back out somewhere . He could have spent that time with kids . So far I have looked after them the entire summer holidays and not had anytime , this is normal for me . I feel like we can’t he at home when he is working ,95/ all very stressful .

He just does has he pleases and you can’t do that if you are caring for kids

Some fathers who are pretty hands off while together as a family do step up when separated - I know a few who had sahm and did t do a great deal ( and let’s face it why did they need to when there’s is a sahm) but when moved out did adjust work hours, we’re more flexible, did take responsibility- so it can work absolutely

Not saying this is the case here as we don’t know.
If he’s serious he needs to come up with a plan on how to achieve it

Don’t know the ages of your children but you’ll also be expected to work more to support yourself - in which case your work hours will also increase and possibly be less flexible

Just make it clear that if it’s 50:50 what this entails - ie school drop offs and pick ups by him, sports clubs or whatever, clothing, feeding, homework etc and what’s his plan for arrangements

So my DH is now trying to control what i do with the children , last night he called me a soppy idiot because my kids like a cuddle and a chat in bed before they go to sleep...apparently this is awful according to him .. what can I do about this 50/50 ? I am so scared he will get it as I am always reading how much judges are in favour of it now .. My 10 year avoids cuddling me in front of his dad and is scared to cry for fear of being told he is too wet .

The kids are 6 and 10. I work part time flexible at home but only about 9 hours but trying to get more hours

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