I have recently separated from my husband, he moved out on Aug 1. Some may recognize me as I posted other threads under a different name, but I thought this new era, I just entered, calls for a different name. 😊
We have been together over twenty five years, have three kids, mostly grown up but living with us and I initiated separation. My ex (sounds so strange to say this), has never physically assaulted me, is a good dad (better when kids were younger though), did a thing or two around the house, never cheated on me (as far as I know), does not drink or gamble. He was however, very controlling, especially in the financial area, critical, impossible to talk to, would become offensive when I would try and address a problem and then “punish” me with days of silent treatment. I am by nature a people pleaser and tend to avoid conflict so eventually I stopped brining issues to him as I was so anxious and worried that this would upset him and we would enter a period of not talking and communicating. When there would be something I had to talk to him I would feel nervous, anxious and flat out intimidated. I told him this once and his comment was, “funny, someone at work told me the same thing”. I could not tell if this worried him or impressed him that he was intimidating to other people, but he did not further comment nor did he apologize. I would say that he has narcissistic traits. He has very high opinion of himself, thinks he is always right, knows the best, works the most and would often mock and put down people including me. In a nutshell, he has a very difficult personality and I could never get used to it.
Over the years, I had become unhappy, uncomfortable in our relationship and started feeling resentful of him. We did resume intimacy, but this was very difficult for me because in order to be intimate with someone I had to love and respect him and I had to be happy and relaxed, none of which I had been for a very long time. What hurt the most maybe was that he was not respectful of me, did not appreciate all I did for our family, did not care about my feelings and was apparently unaware that I was not happy. When I finally worked up the courage to talk to him, last year before Covid hit, he appeared to be surprised. He said he new we had issues but did not realize it was “that bad”. I offered him couples’ therapy which he refused (not comfortable talking to strangers about his personal problems), so I started alone. This was for the best, because therapy truly helped me clarify some things, what it is that is going on, how I feel and what I want. My therapist also told me that what I was going through was abuse, emotional and financial. I realized soon after that I did not want to work on this marriage, that I did not want to live with my husband any more, that I wanted to continue my life journey without him. We muddled trough the pandemic and in April of this year, I told him I wanted to separate.
Separation was hard. Those three months of us living under the same roof were torture. I know that some people live like that for long time, but for me this was hard. We tried to communicate but it was very strained and I felt so anxious, like never before. Although I know that I am doing the right thing, I felt so guilty and often literally sick. I would wake up anxious and go to bed anxious, it was nightmare. The day he moved out was the hardest. I wanted to help but he did not want my help, so kids helped out a little. Then he was gone. I was glad that it was finally over but the first few days were hard. Thinking of him alone in that strange apartment, tending to himself, no one to talk to (kids have stayed with me), I could not help but feel guilty. Pain was killing me, but it is getting better. Today is day 10 and I feel much calmer and more confident, less anxious and I can tell that I started feeling the weight being lifted off my chest. I do not have to face his criticism any more, I do not have to ask for his approval any more, I can do what I want and face the consequences of my actions on my own. I am FREE! Hence my username. However, I can tell that this new era will bring other issues, especially with kids, and I am already worried.
Please share here, your own stories of separation/divorce.