Ex not respecting arrangements for contact

[GiantPinkUnicorn]

Still new to separation as it has only been a couple of months. I have been trying hard for the sake of DC to have an amicable relationship which involves me taking her to ex's new place and spending time there - he doesn't bring to our flat or spend time with us there. Trying to get along so that she is least impacted. He never wanted to be very involved, it was somehow about power as he said I was controlling in relation to DC whereas from my viewpoint I was tired and would have welcomed him stepping in/up. But now he is suddenly wanting to spend lots of time with DC (ie more than he ever did before), ok if it were not my unease from the bad things in our relationship and (young) DC only mainly plays playstation there and watches TV and stays up till midnight etc. Whenever I go to pick up DC is not ready. I miss DC terribly still and have not got used to this contact as we were so close for so many years. But I try to ensure DC sees him at least a couple of times a week. No formal agreements as yet. Went to pick up today at 7pm and DC still in PJs, things not ready, was persuaded to stay for a drink and end of film but I was feeling tired and wanting to get back, and get DC to bed at a decent time. Ex kept saying DC can stay, I said to him (by text) that was not the arrangement, plus I have leave tomorrow and he doesn't; but he continued and DC was really confused and being forced to choose between us, but he refused to let up so I said to stay, but DC still upset. I did leave, after he had a go at me for not making a decision (I did, I said stay and it will be fine, but apparently I was pulling faces). I heard DC crying and Ex comforting DC after I left but felt powerless to do anything. This is not going to work informally is it? If I did the same there would be many instances when DC chose to stay home and not go go Ex's, but I cannot imagine withdrawing contact for that reason or to make a point. I feel so helpless, I don't want to make things worse for DC, but do not know how to navigate this. I am worried that Ex will try for more contact with DC as he now has the control he wants; our relationship was mildly abusive I think but I haven't really got an objective opinion on that and I know that family courts have a low bar. Not sure what if anything I should do except to be firmer about contact arrangements until we go through mediation, which I am completely dreading. Or perhaps I am being over the top and need to be more flexible/easy going?

How old is dc
What arrangements do you want ? What does he want ?
Overnights are standard
Don’t take your child there - he can pick up from
Yours.

You need to set up a schedule with over nights stays. I know you don't want to be away from your child but your ex is also a parent. Stop with the spending to much time together too. Be friendly at pickups and drop offs but you don't need to stay for a drink.

Age 7. DC does have overnights. DC was with him all weekend and I was expecting to take DC home with me. He won't drop off. He says we shouldn't force DC to be one place or another, but he was basically encouraging DC to stay, and of course DC wants to please him, and I didn't want DC to feel in between us. But I am scared there will be more times when it will be hard to pick DC up as he never has DC ready, it gets late, I stay and wait, DC is tired and doesn't that much have energy to move physically, and I look like the mean one asking for DC to get ready and move. He has basically said he will not follow any arrangements we make if DC doesn't want to move (if I did the same, he might not see her on many occasions - DC does not like moving from place to place and needs help to get ready and encouragement when I take her to Ex's) but I would not. We need to do mediation soon but I have done counselling with him and it was the most undermining experience ever and quite distressing, and I imagine mediation will be similar and I am dreading it. I would ideally like him to have EOW and half holidays and he would like 50:50 but I feel that DC would not do well with that arrangement and he hardly cooperates with me in parenting so it would be a bit nightmarish, plus historical, unacknowleged abuse (toward me) making me very nervous of him having DC more.