Emotional abuse and occupation order

[Downatthebottomofthegardenshew]

Good morning.
I'm having a tricky time and looking for some advice.
I'm ending my relationship of 18 years, not married and have 4 young children. My partner is emotionally abusive which I didn't know was a thing until recently. He has been ignoring me for almost 8 months now. I can only explain living with him as having a constant feeling of dread and walking on eggshells. I'm a 41 year old women, however I constantly feel like I'm waiting to get in trouble for something!
I'm not working but I've started a diploma to become an early years practitioner because my youngest will start school this year, the local preschool have offered me a job as a meal time assistant to run alongside my studies until I'm qualified so I'm feeling very positive about starting work.
I've had enough and have taken steps to get out, signed on to universal credit and signed up to the housing association. I've also been in contact with my local abuse service and they have been amazing.
I don't want to uproot my children to go into a refuge or temporary accommodation as I'd rather people who are being physically assaulted used these services over me.
My partner knows I'm planning on leaving now as my UC claim ended his tax credits. He has very cleverly twisted the situation around onto me and he has me believing what he says is true and maybe I have caused all of this, even though in my heart I know I haven't. My head is mush and I feel destroyed. I know I cannot go on like this any longer.
So, I was going to try and rush out as quickly as I could but I've had second thoughts and at the recommendation of my sister who works in the CBA I've decided to apply for an occupation order so my children have their stability and their home. He is named solely on the tenancy and actually rents the house from his boss, I've never been named on anything, and he does own his own 2 bed property which he lets out. I asked him this past week if he would leave for the sake of the kids and he told me he would never leave his house, there's no way he's having me left in the 4 bed house that he put blood, sweat and tears into renovating. I pointed out it's not about me it's about the kids. He's not having any of it and that's when I knew applying for the occupation order was the right thing to do. But, I'm beyond anxious and worried that I won't get it! I obviously can't say anything about it to him, he thinks I'm planning on leaving via the council and now he's harassing me about how soon I can go 'because we've got to get things moving now after this bombshell' and he's even 'kindly' asked if I'd like any help with finding somewhere. I've said no thank you and it'll all get sorted in it's own time.
I'm a mess, I do feel like I'm going in blind and I guess I'm just looking for advice/guidance on whether I've got a hope in hell of winning this battle?!
Oh and I should add, my beautiful children, I do not want them growing up thinking this is normal behaviour (3 boys 1 girl) but the two eldest boys, 12 and 10 are starting to mirror his behaviour towards me and that is devastating and extremely toxic.
Thank you for reading.

Well done for sorting work and study and UC. Hold your nerve. As its rented, he has an alternative home, and there are 4 kids plus you to house, I'd say you have a good chance of being able to stay put.

Wishing you all the very best. My mum lived like you have and I understand the pressure too well. Keep going, stick to your guns and win the occupancy. xx

Thank you for replying and yes, it's holding my nerve that I am struggling with. He's just so manipulative of me I worry he'll manipulate anyone involved. To the outside world he's an all round amazing guy.

@Mintjulia

Wishing you all the very best. My mum lived like you have and I understand the pressure too well. Keep going, stick to your guns and win the occupancy. xx

Thank you so much! Did your mum manage to get out and win her freedom back? I know now we shouldn't have to put up with treatment like this. Thank you xx

Read back your post and look how far you've come already, you're clearly stronger than you think. Hold your nerve, don't doubt yourself, continue to access all the support available to you. You got this x

Hi. Please read up on narcissism he sounds like he has this condition which can be extremely toxic and dangerous. I just realised my ex was one. You don't notice until you're out but they can destroy you and your children's lives. Please be strong and do what is best for you and your kids.

‘Thank you for replying and yes, it's holding my nerve that I am struggling with. He's just so manipulative of me I worry he'll manipulate anyone involved. To the outside world he's an all round amazing guy’

Downatthebottom - I hear you. My husband (who I’m also leaving) appears the nicest, thoughtful and charming guy from the outside and most people in our mutual circle of friends think he’s amazing. Always the first to get a round of drinks in, always offering to do people favours (but funny how he’s actually never put my needs before anyone else) Behind closed door is he manipulative, abusive and has in the past called me the C word. Told me I need “to earn respect” Thrown things at me. Put me down in front of other people by making jokes about my cleaning or lack of! This has been over a period of 15 years. I feel like I have lost my confidence and personality. I don’t know how to get it back? But I’m also in the process of trying to sort out the logistics of where me and the kids will live, money etc

I’d never heard of an occupational order - can you apply based on mental and verbal abuse then?

I wish you luck and hope you get it so that you can move on with your life X

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Thebeachismyhappyplace - I am so sorry that you are going through such a similar situation, I understand how you feel and how broken down and destroyed you must be feeling. Huge hug for you.
I'd never heard of the occupation order either until my sister told me to look into it, I was going to try and get us into a council property which is easier said than done, plus, this is my children's home! Please go onto the gov.uk website and take a look at occupation order, mental abuse is absolutely not ok and 100% just as damaging. Your husband has thrown things at you - that is physical. My local abuse service have been fantastic at advising me on this, even when I've felt like I'm wasting their time because the abuse isn't physical. I'd also advise getting in contact with your local woman's aid plus speaking with your G.P. I've had a little wait with my G.P but I'll be speaking with them tomorrow because of how messed up my head feels and because of the dark place I feel like I'm stuck in at the moment. I need to feel better for my kids.
It's not going to be easy, but we deserve happiness xx

Hi @Downatthebottomofthegardenshew I applied for an occupation order at the beginning of the year. I was absolutely terrified of the whole process, being in front of a judge albeit on zoom. Having been so conditioned that everything was my fault.

The family court judge was very experienced, had seen scenarios like mine play out probably hundreds of times before, seemed to know exactly what the score was despite exs protestations to the contrary.

I have to say that I was so used to my exes version of events being drummed into me that to be believed and told that what was happening was most definitely unacceptable within the normal confines of a relationship was a huge weight off my shoulders. In my experience he ( the judge) had seen and heard it all before and knew what dynamics were at play.

Wishing you the very best of luck, I hope things go well for you at what is no doubt a difficult time in your life xxx

No, my mum stuck it out until my df died (43 years).

She then turned into a sort of joyous teenager (in her 60s ) and spent his pension going on European city breaks, trying different foods that she hadn't had to cook.

Make sure you reach the joyful stage sooner x

@Moutainwoman oh wow, thank you so much for that ❤

I'm so pleased you managed to get out of it, that has made me smile and it takes a lot to make me smile these days.

May I ask how long the process took?

May I also ask if you need to reapply every 6 months? And if it would be the whole court process every time?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, I'm feeling quite lost and there's only so much info you can gather from Google so I appreciate it xxx