Does having a son with ASD put you in a stronger position

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

So dh and I have both agreed to go seperate ways, had the chat about a month ago where we both agreed to sell house and split 50/50. I gave up my career to look after the kids and have taken longer to go back to work as have one son with ASD so have wanted to be around for him. Have been applying for jobs last few months but because of pandemic it’s proving harder than I thought plus the gap on my cv not helping. I have found out today he’s been having secret chats behind my back with a wealthy relative and I have a feeling he’s planning on borrowing money and buying me out. I’m worried I’m not going to be able to afford anything with the money I walk away with as we owe quite a lot of debt. I’m wondering if I’m being stupid not going to a solicitor to see if I’d be entitled to a slightly bigger share in the house seeing as he is the higher earner and I have to house my kids. He is getting nasty and saying he wants joint custody but I have suggested EOW plus 2 days in the week (on the weeks he doesn’t see them at weekend). Do you think I have a good chance of getting a bit more than 50/50 of the house given my circumstances?

You should definitely seek legal advice. The amount it costs you will certainly be repaid. Actually the minute he got nasty you should have called the solicitor. What a disgrace he is.

Yes you should see a solicitor! He shouldn't get 50%!

They ALL say they want joint custody....you're the main carer. In reality, would he even be able to provide 50% of the care?

Get a solicitor now! Is the house owned outright? You may be able to stay there whilst your children grow up...you work and save so you can buy HIM out or get something else when your kids are older.

Thank you. No the house isn’t owned outright, we have a big mortgage (currently just paying it on interest only so monthly payments are affordable) I have been really honest and fair with him but then when he was having a private phone conversation in the garden today and I asked him why he couldn’t have the chat inside the house and I joked to him that it was clearly about me, he just looked at me with a smug look and said “well like I said it was a private chat”, the fact that he didn’t even try and deny it or make an excuse has left me feeling quite sickened!

So how much would you end up with if you sold it now OP?

You're right, he sounds like he's plotting...what an arsehole.

I would walk away with just under 200k

Sorry sent too soon! - so with 200k I’m not really going to be able to afford anything

Yes, it would be far better for you to be able to stay in the house...it CAN happen because you're at a distinct disadvantage as you're not yet working.

And he's been working for ages. With no disruption due to having babies.

Can I also advise that you start keeping your own cards close to your chest and don't show interest in his...don't ask him why he's taking a call in the garden...he sounds like he's enjoying your worry.

Can you make an appointment to get legal advice this week? On Monday.

Do you have anyone else to support you? Mum or Dad or friends or siblings?

I got this from a UK Solicitor's website.

When determining how the house should be dealt with on divorce, the Court has a duty to have regard to all the circumstances of the case. The first consideration is given to the welfare of any child of the family who has not attained the age of eighteen.
Where possible, the Court will try to achieve stability for the children involved in the parental dispute and it is preferable for the children to live in owned accommodation. However, depending on the circumstances of your case, that may or may not be affordable.

In addition to the welfare of the children, the Court will have regard to the following factors, known as the Section 25 Factors (Section 25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973):

the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, including in the case of earning capacity any increase in that capacity which it would in the opinion of the court be reasonable to expect a party to the marriage to take steps to acquire;
the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future;
the standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage;
The age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage;
any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage;
the contributions which each of the parties has made or is likely in the foreseeable future to make to the welfare of the family, including any contribution by looking after the home or caring for the family;
the conduct of each of the parties, if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the court be inequitable to disregard it;
the value to each of the parties to the marriage of any benefit which, by reason of the dissolution or annulment of the marriage, that party will lose the chance of acquiring.

Please go and see a solicitor and get legal advice. You will likely be entitled to more than 50%, and yes the fact that you have a child with additional
needs will impact. I am fairly recently divorced and I cannot stress the importance of good legal advice. He is now not your friend and you need to look out for yourself. Best of luck.

C*all a solicitor first thing Monday morning and get advice.

Do not tell STBXH what you are doing.

Do not let him walk all over you. You are the one who has sacrificed career for the marriage and kids.

Get him out the house!*

I will call solicitor first thing tomorrow! I’m not sure if it will be possible for me to stay in the marital home though because although the monthly mortgage payments are currently low (interest only) - we owe 100k to one of STBEX’s relative as they loaned us money when we were doing home renovations. Any suggestions??

I’m wondering if I’m being stupid not going to a solicitor to see if I’d be entitled to a slightly bigger share in the house seeing as he is the higher earner and I have to house my kids.

Call a solicitor tomorrow. One that specialises in divorce. Knowledge is power.

What career did you give up? What chances do you have to get back into it and start earning a decent income? How much needs do your DC has? Are we talking about specialist school, will never be able to live independently so PT work is the only option to care for them, or do they only required some extra support in mainstream school.

It will come down to what earning you can reasonably expect and therefore meet your kids needs with maintenance.

He sounds like he is making plans to sort himself out financially. The fact that he knows you are the main carer for your ASD child and said he wants custody 50/50 sounds alarm bells, like if he has an agreement of 50/50 he won't have to pay much or anything in child maintenance. I also think there could be a possibility you would be entitled to spousal maintenance as it was obviously an agreement that he works while you care for your disabled child.
There is an online government calculator that helps you work out how much child maintenance he would have to pay depending on his income and how many days he has the child.... As a mum also of a child with ASD, and considering a separation I worry how my child will cope going between 2 homes, he doesn't like change.. So in my reality as much as my husband may say he wants 50/50, my son would probably choose to stay with me as I'm also his main carer and we are closer.
I think a lawyer is needed. But don't tell him. Change your mindset and focus on your future life with your children. Also if you haven't already remember you should apply for child DLA. That will help boost your income, and increase any universal credits you may be entitled too once you are separated. X