I decided to end my marriage a few months ago. I've since agreed to marriage counselling however and we have been working on things. DH is definitely trying, but this is after 3 years of passive aggression, neglect and self entitlement at home. When the counsellor is present, I like the version of DH infront of me. He admits his failings and speaks honestly and openly about mine with sensitivity.
Our last session ended with the counsellor suggesting a 4 week break for us to build on our hard work, sharing her optimism for our relationship getting back on track and encouraging us to go with the flow.
But, there are things I can't say in relationship counselling which, on a day to day basis makes it all hard. Yes, we're having more couple time, more quality time, listening to each other, being more affectionate. But as I observe him, I'm just not sure I like him much as a person.
Here are a few issues:
-Like at home he's opinionated and can be quite awkard, he contradicts me, but is getting better at not doing so. Yet, in the last few days we've spent a lot of time with friends and he's so agreeable, nods to everything whilst he gets talked at. He's desperate to be liked by everyone else. He has low self-esteem and I find it infuriating. His friend was completely rude to him today, cutting him off each time he spoke to talk about himself and DH just accepted this. I don't like the example he's setting the DCs and want him to be stronger. At home, he admits to being arrogant at times, this is the complete opposite of him socially.
- He's really noisy and it drives me nuts as he shouts at me when we're talking (not aggressively) just in terms of volume.
-He has an awful eating habits. He hid them from me when we were dating, he had also lost weight. But the truth is that he binge eats and has piled on so much weight. I try to eat healthily with the children but he'll add frozen chips to.every healthy meal and if he has them, obviously they want them too!
-He wears hand me down clothes from his own dad and takes zero pride in his appearance.
-Other men are actually much more engaged and interested in their wives and family life than he is. He would never big me up to his friends or even talk about anything about me and yet, my friend's husband is always so complimentary of her work as a SAHM and really respects what she does. My DH rarely vocalises to me what a good job I do, let alone anyone else as he's more likely to "banter" with me infront of his friends and make jokes instead.
- I learned recently that he likely has no executive function and so, throughout our lives, the mental load is always likely to fall to me and I'm kind of done with it.
It's difficult because we do get on now most of the time, but I don't know if I can forgive him for neglecting us for so long and then, he's never going to change these irritating behaviours either is he?
I'm confused as the counsellor commented on how close we have become and there being a clear spark at our last session. She is lovely and has a really positive effect on us during the session and for a day or two afterwards, but real day to day life feels different a lot of the time. I also think that whilst he'll keep up the effort whilst we're in counselling, it will drop off again when it stops. I have voiced this in sessions but she said that sometimes, you just have to go with the flow of things and not over-think it. But, I don't want to be hurt again.
Ultimately, I want things to work out, I don't want to be a single mum. But I know how awkward he can be and how hard he can make things. I don't know if I'll ever let my guard down.
Any thoughts from anyone who can relate to any of this?