Feeling guilty for leaving, does the guilt go away?

[Helen812]

Hi, just looking for some encouragement/kind words.
I have moved out of the family home and into my own place. This is the first weekend in it and I am feeling all sorts of things. Whilst I am loving my own space, I am feeling strange, sad that it has come to this, guilty for taking my 6 year old son out of his home and guilty for leaving my ex partner.
Night times are the hardest, as I think of my ex partner sitting in his house completely alone and probably drinking (he has alcohol dependency)
I initiated the break up as I have been unhappy for a long time about loads of things so it wasn't a quick decision.
My ex is not a bad person, works hard and wasn't abusive but just had so many issues and I basically just fell out of love with him.
I don't want to be with him anymore but I just can't get rid of this guilt at what I have done to my son and ex. I know deep down this was the right thing to do for me as we were basically just living like housemates who constantly bickered.
Has anyone been through this? Does the guilt go away?

Following this with interest!

Also have a 6 year old son and I haven't moved out yet but I will do soon and feeling sooo guilty and scared.

Similar to you, I know it is the right thing to do but feel horribly guilty about doing this to my little boy and so sad for losing the family I wish I could have including a second child which I would have loved to have but didn't.

I'm really holding on to this hope that after a while things get better and that the little one will be ok through this. How is your son taking it all?

Stay strong and I hope you feel ok soon x

Hello OP, I am in the similar boat. I have been with my husband for twenty five years and we just separated, five days ago. He is also a decent guy but with a very difficult personality that wore me down over the years and I finally called it quits. I stayed in our family home with our children, who are mostly grown up. Although I know that this was the right move and have no doubts about that I too am suffering from the feelings of guilt. I was dreaming about this for so long and thought when it happens I will be happy, feel free, feel amazing. However, I feel the same things as you; thinking of him all alone in a strange apartment, having to tend to himself and feel horrible.

I do hope that this will pass and I will learn to be happy and content and I wish you the same.

Yes, I've been there too . I don't think you ever "get over" that feeling - well I didn't anyway. I left him 18 years ago, and I did feel bad at the time, thinking how lonely he'd be etc . When we got the divorce I was far too generous with the settlement because of that guilt . Stupid I know, since I knew he was a spendthrift and he ended up spending the lot and ending up bankrupt. I should have kept the money , it didn't do him any good !

Time has passed, I've remarried and he has a long-time girlfriend and seems very happy . But I can't help feeling sometimes that I did the wrong thing - I guess I was brought up that "you make your bed so you have to lie in it" so I thought I had to keep trying to make it better. It's no coincidence that I left him 6 months after my mother died - she'd have been appalled .

Best wishes to you xx

@Helen812
I Haven't got the courage to leave the family home, so just wanted to say, that I understand the guilt your feeling to some extent. I can't leave because of it, Ive been married almost 15 years, and its been the loneliest time of my life, I keep saying when my children get to 18, I'll leave, because Im not able to give them what they have now. We have a home, a little money and they have a comfortable life. Its just me that's unhappy, and feel like I don't exist.

I wish you all the happiness in the world x

I get you. Same here. My oh did move out last year. And I felt guilty that he was no longer in the family home. I let him back in to try again but it's not happening so another separation is on the cards. I felt guilty for tearing his world apart by telling him I was no longer in love with him. And going to have to do it again. But I know deep down he knows it's the end. No intimacy whatsoever. Separate beds and do absolutely nothing socially together. Nothing in common. It's our wedding anniversary today. Neither of us have mentioned it. Used to upset me years ago that we never celebrated it but now I really do not care. I just wish he would make this easier and agree that the marriage is dead. And move out on his own accordance. He can be a very difficult & stubborn man. Very argumentative also. But he's not a bad guy. I've just fallen out of love with him. Very sad.

My other half refuses to accept there is something not right, he lives away mon-fri, so just me and the children at home.. I have to find whatever work I can around the children, his job is to important to be a parent, his work secures our future, he can't just come home if one of the children can't go to school, I have to take the day off, and then im left feeling like ive let people down, so I take the basic jobs... the job I now do is for the social aspect of life if I didn't have that I would have no adult communication at all.
When you live like this, you don't want to be to involved with people and seeing how they live, and hearing them talk about their lives their other half how they are treated..
There hasn't been any intimacy for 4 years, we bought a house almost 3 years ago, I was sick of moving around the country and being isolated and feeling unbelievably lonely, ive moved with his job for the past 15 years, my children have changed schools, my eldest had 4 primary schools, 3 secondary, I couldn't do it to them no more they needed stability, this decision was right is so many ways fort he children, but so wrong for me. :(

@Millshake01

I get you. Same here. My oh did move out last year. And I felt guilty that he was no longer in the family home. I let him back in to try again but it's not happening so another separation is on the cards. I felt guilty for tearing his world apart by telling him I was no longer in love with him. And going to have to do it again. But I know deep down he knows it's the end. No intimacy whatsoever. Separate beds and do absolutely nothing socially together. Nothing in common. It's our wedding anniversary today. Neither of us have mentioned it. Used to upset me years ago that we never celebrated it but now I really do not care. I just wish he would make this easier and agree that the marriage is dead. And move out on his own accordance. He can be a very difficult & stubborn man. Very argumentative also. But he's not a bad guy. I've just fallen out of love with him. Very sad.

this sounds so much like my life, living like this is breaking me.

@ceffylgwyn20 when he left last year, I had all the threats of not being able to cope on my own. How would I manage without his money. Etc.. but Ive got to a point where I would be much happier separated and have very little money. I told him this. He was shocked. You will get to a point where you will feel the same. Money is irrelevant when marriage is this unhappy.

@Millshake01 I wish I had the strength to just leave, because it would have to be me to go, he won't go at all. Ive tried to have serious conversations with him, he ignores it and just continues his day to day activities, 3 years ago I went to the doctor, I needed someone to tell me I wasn't going mad, and what I was feeling was actually real and it just wasn't me making situations up, a good friend came along to the appointment, she's always said it was in my head, my OH is to perfect to make me feel like this. the doctor was amazing and for once I felt like someone actually listened to me I got prescribed antidepressants, which OH didn't want me to take.... he couldn't see he was the reason why I had to take them. the next thing on my list was to buy a house, his job comes with accommodation attached (this is the closest ive been to my own country in years), so he would never leave as it was his entitlement to live there, before mine, every time we moved I had to start again which wasn't helping the situation. so buying a house gave me and the children some stability and he works away mon-fri, he's currently on leave and its unbearable, we haven't spoken in days, I have another week and half to go before he goes back to work.... and im also on leave for another week..... when the children are old enough and have created their paths in life, is the only time I can see me getting out of this :(

Interesting to read all these. DH moved out two months ago and while I’m much happier (split was my decision, he has alcohol and MH issues), I hate the fact that he’s living alone, away from the family home. We stopped being a couple a long time ago (emotionally and physically), and I’ve known for a while that I’m no longer in love with him. But I was bottom of my list of priorities and knew I had to be happy - what was the alternative? Another 20 years of a nice life but no ‘partner’, no sex?! I hate hurting him, and I tried so hard to make it work, and it’s been really horrible but I’m so much more relaxed already. And he deserves more. I felt awful for the first week, and marginally less so now but I know that while it wasn’t a great thing to happen, it was our only option at this stage. For what it’s worth, him living alone has actually been good for him, no relying on me emotionally for everything, no worrying about how his mood will affect us, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. Basically looking after himself for the first time in 20 years. We will both be better people for this, and the DC will have two happy, healthy parents.

@JustLookingforAnswers thanks for your reply. Our situation sounds so similar, I too would have liked another child and a sibling for my son. My ex actually did want to try for another child before we split but I knew deep down that I couldn't face having another one with him.
I am 40 now so I have kind of made peace with the fact that I may not have another child.
My son has been OK thankfully, he is a bit delayed emotionally so he doesn't understand that we have split up. I stayed with my parents for a month or so till I got my own place. Then
when I found somewhere I decorated his room with dinosaur wall stickers and brought some of his toys there, we spent a few afternoons in the new place doing jigsaws etc before he actually stayed the night which I think really helped.
Honestly I am glad I did it and wouldn't go back and change it, it was either this or spend the next 20 or 30 years living in a dead end , hopeless marriage and just bury all my hopes and desires.
I think it will definitely get better and I am already loving being by myself and not having to deal with all the rubbish that came with my ex. I am even looking forward to dating in the future and am excited about all the new possibilities.
I wish you the best of luck, you can do this and you will be OK . xo

@loveyourself2020 Congrats for having the courage to separate, that is one of the hardest parts.
My ex sounds like your husband , a good person but with a very difficult personality that has also worn me down over the years until my mind and body gave up. I felt burnt out from all his issues and wanted out.
It's great that you can stay in the family home.
I totally relate to the guilt, I wrote down a list of all the negative things about my ex, the things I found hard to live with, the traits I didn't like, how different we are, etc and there was about a page and half of stuff.
Everytime I read it, it reminds me of how bad it was and how I never want to have to deal with any of them again. This helps me process it all a bit more and realise that they are to blame as well for the breakdown of the marriage.
I wish you the best of luck in this new part of your life and hope it is everything you want it to be.

@ShippingNews thanks for your reply. It definitely sounds like you made the right decision especially if you have remarried and your ex is happy with his girlfriend.
My parents are in their 70s but luckily they were very supportive, but I probably would have stayed if they had disapproved of me leaving.
Best wishes to you too x

@ceffylgwyn20 thank you for your reply. It makes me so sad to think you are just existing in the marriage and that you feel you can't leave until your children are older.
I am living in a tiny upstairs flat with no garden and was prevously in a spacious 4 bedroom house. The only consolation I have is that my son still gets to spend time there when he sees his dad so he hasn't totally lost out on that .
I was worried at how my son would react to the lack of space etc but he has been fine and I just love that even though it is tiny, I have made it nice and homely and it is my own space.
I have a lot less money now and more responsibility as I have to pay bills myself but I am managing.
I hope you do what is right for you and in your own time, wish you lots of luck and happiness for your future xx

@Millshake01 thanks for replying and sorry you have to go through this again. I separated 2 years ago for 2 months but went back but knew if it happened again, it would be permanent. I felt like I had to give it another go and then things just went back to the same way and actually got worse over lockdown.
We have nothing in common either, don't like the same things and there is no intimacy at all. We were like house mates. He would never have ended it and so it was up to me to do it.
It is harder sometimes when you know they are a decent person but you just don't feel that way about them anymore. It is really sad.
I wish you lots of luck xx

@notbloodylikely thanks for replying. Your ex sounds so similar to mine. My ex also had alcohol and MH issues and relied on me emotionally for everything, it was so stifling. He barely kept in touch with his family or friends, he had no hobbies, he was always at home especially during lockdown and he didn't realise he was smothering me.
We had no intimacy either, it just would have been another 20 odd years of low level misery.
I think my ex deserves more as well, he deserves someone who loves him and wants to be with him. And we deserve romance, excitement and to be happy.
Wish you lots of luck and hope things get easier xx

You feel guilty for your son and ex, but what about you? You need to put yourself first too.

From the other side, My dm didn't leave until we were all grown and moved out, myself and my 2 dbs wish she had done in when we were younger, her and df were desperately unhappy and that reflected on us. There's was never a happy family day out, no fun occasions always an atmosphere or an argument. We are all in our 30s now and not one of the 3 of us look back thinking we are happy to have had together parents, and really think it would have been better had they split.

@Helen812 you have a lovely way with words. Thanks xx

@Helen812
Your ex sounds very similar to DH.
28 years of marriage and my exit plans are progressing at last .
Lockdown he was the same as yours - constantly there and stifling me
We are now in seperate bedrooms which I love and he hates . I sleep better with no snoring and I love having some space to myself.

I totally get what you mean when you say that you both deserve happiness. He currently doesn't see this and just wants to hang on to what we had, not what we have now .
My gettjng a job has been a big eye opener too , I've rediscovered that I'm actually a nice person and that other people appreciate what I do . Not something that has happened at home .
Lots more decisions and plans to go, but I can see the goal in tbe distance now .
I deserve to be happy , healthy and loved for the next 30 years - not miserable ..

You did the right thing OP. Not least because your little un deserves to grow up without thinking drinking like that is normal or ok.

Life is too short for you to be unhappy. I do understand your guilt and it sounds like you care about your ex which makes things feel more complicated.

All you can do is remind yourself of the very valid reasons you chose to split up. I expect the guilt will abate over time.

@Helen812 ❤ wishing you all the best on your new adventure xxx

I've been separated two and a bit years and still feel guilty, not so much for exDH but certainly for my DC having to come and go between two houses, and I know DD in particular does miss each of us when with the other.
Also exDH is a selfish person and lays on the emotional guilt trip to the children, so they regularly tell me how sad their dad is and I'm still having to fairly regularly explain the reasons for the split (in a calm appropriate way obviously). I'm sure he does it on purpose. He wants me to know, he knows guilt obligation etc has been a major button he could press for me.