How do I control the fear and anxiety

[Williesfillies]

Left Exh two years ago after DV. Continued to try on and off to make it work as he was abusive and he kept threatening over the children and in a misguided attempt to protect them I felt it was better to make it work apart than allow him to use the children to further abuse me.
I’ve taken some flack for this, but that’s abuse for you, I found what I thought was the least bad option for me and the kids 😞

Anyway, I found I couldn’t swallow my feelings anymore and have started divorce. Because of how he is (liar, financially controlling, has money etc but given it to family to hide) it’s going straight to court, not an easy decision for me as I knew I would open up to his anger.

So first he love bombed that it would be different this time. It was really hard but I held firm, so now he’s moved to the children. He had little to do with them over the years, and since I left he’s seen them at my house, yes when we tried to make it work he would stay here, but even then it was limited and he would disappear with the hump for weeks/months without word (or financial assistance)

He’s trying for 50% custody of them. I’ve had an opening shot from his solicitor after a horrific mediation session where despite the mediator knowing there was a history of DV and controlling and bullying behaviour she just let him go at me, so I know this is also going to court.
I know it’s unlikely he will get 50% as he abused me in front of the kids, Childrens wishes, this is where they’ve lived etc, but it just adds to my fear.

Anyhow, after all the backstory for context, I get to my point.

I’m virtually having an anxiety attack when I get an email from my solicitor and I’m on tenterhooks all the time about when I will get a message from him. He will message then make me wait an incredibly long time for a reply (example, he sent a message three days ago about seeing children, I replied and I’ve been waiting for an answer since then) so I am constantly on edge waiting for something.

I’m finding the solicitors emails never ending, it’s all stuff for Form E and Court, so necessary but the stress of it all is massive.

Then appears his solicitor letter over his plans for the kids, followed by his text about seeing them, followed by his not replying so I still can’t make any plans.

I don’t know how to relax or when it will get easier, or even how to not let his shit bother me so much it’s the kids summer holidays and I feel like it’s being wrecked because I’m here, but my mind isn’t, my mind is in 10 different places, fighting a financial battle and a custody battle and working out how I will feel if I don’t have the kids at Christmas and how I can minimise the damage he can do to them (he is not necessarily a terrible dad, but he can be violent and he has an awful temper and that has reached out to the kids a couple of times and the kids can be quite scared of him) plus how I can manage to do everything and work the extra hours I need to do because he’s decided as I’m divorcing him he will help financially the minimum he can as “if I don’t want him then I don’t need his money” in between him telling me I’m “money grabbing”.

I’m driving family mad as I’m overthinking everything and trying to micromanage the whole thing.

Also, terrified of the costs. Solicitor V V expensive so has agreed to cheaper solicitors doing the stuff with her overseeing it, but there’s still Barristers for court, but his finances are tricky and really not something I am comfortable self repping over.

Ditto the children, I was going to self rep there but I’d never forgive myself if I lost them more than I had to because I didn’t stump up for representation and I got tied in knots by his side.

So how do I relax, so do I compartmentalise this stuff so it’s not ruining my life??

Sorry that was really long. It just all came out there!!

You prioritise.

1. Your sanity, essential for no. 2
2. Children's welfare
3. Finances: can you support you and the kids without him? If not, work out how much maintenance you and they need from him, and forget the rest. He is an abusive liar, you cannot change that, but you can fight for a good settlement and be free of him.

Things I did to keep (reasonably) sane when dealing with a person like this: immediately find an outlet for your emotions, whether that's counselling, alternative therapies, a good friend, even just going for a walk by yourself for an hour a day. Diarise it and treat it like an essential medical appointment.
Spend no more than an hour each day dealing with legal admin and his bullshit. Make your solicitor do the work, if you don't understand or it is confusing, phone and ask for clarification. Respond to them only during the time allotted by you. Remember, your constant availability is a privilege available only to your kids. Everyone else can wait.
About his pathetic control tactics and delayed responses: play him at his own game. You do NOT have to reply immediately, nor can you anticipate his next move, except that it will be designed to upset and provoke a reaction from you. Don't give him one. He is an abusive dick and a shit father, and you on the other hand are doing your absolute best for your kids. Reply only during your designated hour, if possible use a separate number or email address just for him, so you don't get that panicky feeling every time he invades your space with his ranting etc. Reword texts to make every sentence start with "DS needs xyz", "It's clearly in the children's best interests to do xyz", "My solicitor requires x thing by x date", so don't mention yourself, him, or his dickishness, just the impact on the kids. Keep records of all these things.

Thankyou.

I know I’m becoming all consumed by it. Literally a whole day can pass with me tracking stuff down and worrying about stuff. I’m awake at 5 and immediately my brain is on it.

I put aside two whole days and did my Form E, I’m only waiting on a few bits to come in the post, and emailed it all over, thinking that was that one sorted, then I start getting emails to clarify stuff from the Solicitors, then his solicitors email, then his texts and instead of me thinking “right, big job done, have a rest” another ton of stuff heaps on me.

I think my problem is I feel it all needs doing right now whereas it could wait a day or two

I work almost FT and get tax credits, so yes I can manage without his money, but I’m living my life like it’s all going to be on display in Court and I’m going to have to justify it (iygwim?)

Example, I have a lot coming in with wages and benefits for the kids, but my out goings are enormous. Rent here is expensive and we are in one of the cheapest yet it’s more than I get in tax credits each month, that’s without the food/clothes/essentials.

I think I will get pulled apart for being frivolous because they go to McDonald’s each Friday and I’ve managed to keep paying for them to do their clubs, but this is because I don’t buy much for me, yet I think I’m going to be pulled for wasting money etc.

I feel under a scrutiny that I don’t think I’m actually under?