Regressing

[SerenShine]

Hi everyone. My husband and I separated at the start of the year. I'm so ashamed to say I had an affair and was caught.

I've been living alone ever since and had 4 months of hell (deserved I know). The past 2 months I'd been starting to feel more positive and able to cope, but the past week has been dreadful with lots of tears and feelings of despair.

I spoke to my husband earlier, like me he had been moving forward but he sounded so down tonight and he said he's almost gone back to the start. I feel so guilty and remorseful for hurting him in this way.

I just want him to be happy. Is that foolish given what I've done?

Serenshine I have been in the same position as you recently. I confessed however, I wasn't caught. I couldn't keep it in anymore. It's been 14 months of pure hell. I've been in counselling for almost two years and come to realise that it is often NOT just the person who has had the affair that is to blame so do t be too hard on yourself in that respect. I now see years and years of things that I never confronted before to keep the peace.

My husband has tried to make the marriage work as have I and I've certainly had my karma. He has not been able to control his mood swings and has lots of periods where he has said the exact same thing as your husband. Felt he was getting better then regressed then I did the same. It brought out years and years of underlying issues between us. We are now in a place where he has admitted he can never forgive me and I have reached the end of what I can endure in terms of his rages. We are getting divorced.

Both of you are reeling in your own way. I couldn't make out from your message if you are trying to reconcile or not but if you are... throw everything at it. Everything you can. Then if it breaks down irretrievably then you will not walk away or he will not walk away with regret that you didn't try hard enough to make amends.

@Snowwhite78

Serenshine I have been in the same position as you recently. I confessed however, I wasn't caught. I couldn't keep it in anymore. It's been 14 months of pure hell. I've been in counselling for almost two years and come to realise that it is often NOT just the person who has had the affair that is to blame so do t be too hard on yourself in that respect. I now see years and years of things that I never confronted before to keep the peace.

My husband has tried to make the marriage work as have I and I've certainly had my karma. He has not been able to control his mood swings and has lots of periods where he has said the exact same thing as your husband. Felt he was getting better then regressed then I did the same. It brought out years and years of underlying issues between us. We are now in a place where he has admitted he can never forgive me and I have reached the end of what I can endure in terms of his rages. We are getting divorced.

Both of you are reeling in your own way. I couldn't make out from your message if you are trying to reconcile or not but if you are... throw everything at it. Everything you can. Then if it breaks down irretrievably then you will not walk away or he will not walk away with regret that you didn't try hard enough to make amends.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a similar experience. Has it been 14 months since you confessed?

Ever since I left I have wanted to reconcile but my husband didn't. Then we started talking and he thought he'd like to try again... but that made me panic. I was so worried about going back and hurting him all over again that we're just in limbo at the moment.

Serenshine, it may be worth it to have a sincere look at how your marriage was before the affair. Was it great? I bet it wasn’t otherwise you wouldn’t have risked it.

You feel a lot of guilt for hurting him but at the same time are panicking at the thought of trying again. I doubt very much that you are panicking because you are afraid of hurting him, I would say that you are panicking because deep down you know, that as much as you love him and as guilty as you feel, you don’t want him back.

The torture in this situation is uncertainty, once that you decide whether you want him back or you want out, things will become much easier and you will find a way to make things work either way. It is being in this limbo that is killing you.

@GrandmasCat

Serenshine, it may be worth it to have a sincere look at how your marriage was before the affair. Was it great? I bet it wasn’t otherwise you wouldn’t have risked it.

You feel a lot of guilt for hurting him but at the same time are panicking at the thought of trying again. I doubt very much that you are panicking because you are afraid of hurting him, I would say that you are panicking because deep down you know, that as much as you love him and as guilty as you feel, you don’t want him back.

The torture in this situation is uncertainty, once that you decide whether you want him back or you want out, things will become much easier and you will find a way to make things work either way. It is being in this limbo that is killing you.

That's the problem, I can't seem to decide what I want and be consistent. And it's so frustrating.

There are times when I think that the split has happened so why go back, but there are times when I want to go back and really try again.

I was an arse, I did something incredibly selfish. Our marriage may not have been great but on balance we had a really good relationship with some issues that we should have talked about more.

Why is it so hard to know what to do?