I think this may be it

[Evenchildrengetolder]

We've had the conversation, both feeling this might be the end for us (though DH probably more willing to limp on)

Married 17 years, 4 dc. I don't know where to start to untangle our lives together.

He is a good person, but I don't think has the same idea about what might be fair division financially.

We are co-directors of a limited company, in which H is the fee earner and my role is administrative. I am also a part time PhD student. I have worked on and off during our marriage (dc are teens down to pre-schooler) and I have spent a fair bit of time getting a professional degree (funded) and doing various postgrad training (also funded/students loans) as well as stints as a sahm.

We have a lot of debt between us, a sizeable mortgage but also a good chunk of equity. I say that but I would have no chance of buying any sort of family home with my half. I realise there is zero chance of me getting a mortgage at this time either.

H has indicated he would essentially 'down tools' work wise on splitting (he currently earns a very healthy day rate albeit on fixed term contracts), thereby declaring himself unemployed .

I just don't know how we could afford to live separately (well H has good earning potential and could continue as such if he wishes). I of course would need to look for work but have quite limited earning potential.

Any advice on where to start or about my situation would be appreciated.

Just to add - I do receive a small income from my PhD

Bumping for the OP.

Thanks @Chunkymenrock

One of the reasons I stayed for so long in a bad marriage was me being unable to see how we could possibly afford to live separately.

Funnily enough we managed it.

He says he would 'tools down' so to speak? Have you calmly replied asking him his obligations to the children he helped bring into the world? Is that what he's going to say to them when they ask why daddy isn't supporting them any more?

Have no advice unfortunately but my Stbx has also 'downed tools' in the expectation I will keep him 'in the manner to which he has become accustomed' ha!. I understand (and dearly hope) that the court will expect him to maximise his earning capacity. It is very worrying though, I wish you all the very best of luck, hopefully you can find a way through.. x

Thanks all. @lastcall I did question why he wouldn't want to continue to earn to support his children in the best way he could. I think he has some notion that I will go after him for a big sum of money in maintenance, so he'd rather not have it than risk having to hand any over to me.

What a dick. Surely he can't down tools forever? How does he expect his children to survive?

I'm really not sure how serious is is about it...he seems to have a vision of me insisting on staying in the family home (that he will pay for) while he lives in some hovel somewhere. I have never intimated that I expect to remain here. We simply can't afford not to sell.

When will you be able to improve your earnings?

Either when I get a 'qualified' job upon finishing my PhD or I could look for (albeit lower paid) work now were I to quit.

I think you need to quietly speak to a
Solicitor now and gather evidence of what he does earn. He sounds like a knob and I would be packing my bags.

Fucking hell. Honestly the look on my face when I read your part about ‘downing tools’. My DP recoiled from kissing me goodbye as I must have looked so furious. Who the fuck do these men think they are to damage the children in pursuit of harming the wife? You’ve really got to have a sick mentality to that way.

I am going to vote for mediation to see if you can both discuss money calmly. It seems to me that that’s going to be the main sticking point. His assumption that you’re going to try abd scree him over and because of that you’re assumption he’s going to provide the kids with nothing moving forward.

*screw

I think he has a lot of mistaken assumptions and his fear is leading to this.

They MAY get ironed out as he finds more out about the process.

However, please discuss with a solicitor sooner rather then later. I have a friend whose partner was up to all sorts of tricks so they went for spousal maintenance instead of child because it is more enforceable and less risky when a husband is self employed. So find out if this is correct.

Also, if hes going to do this you need a damn good solicitor. As you need to make sure you get as much more then 50% as you can to protect you if this is his stance. You can try and keep hold of a small house deposite and eke the rest out as monthly income until you are in full time work.
Unfortunately this will likely mean you are not eligible for UC if you then have savings. But the divorce might take years and you might be able to claim in the meantime.

Its going to be hard but you are resourceful and will be free and happy.

Thank you. I will definitely be seeking some advice sooner rather than later. Is it common for lost solicitors to offer an initial free consultation?

To be honest, I'm still wavering about all of this. I won't go into the details of it all here, but I'm just not there yet and feel completely conflicted, both emotionally and rationally.

How has it gone so far OP?

Thanks for asking @BrendaBubbles

It's been a strange time really. I had a conversation with a solicitor that confirmed really what already knew - that I'm screwed financially!

I resolved to try to make it work and we have started counselling together. I just feel numb though...I can't imagine feeling like I want to be physically close with him again. We've been okay together this past few weeks. Rubbing along, parenting, even enjoying family outings etc. Last night was shitty though and we had quite an unpleasant conversation about a particular topic that just repeats itself over and over. And I'm tired of it. I can't look at him in the same way when he gets like this.

It's just seems so hard. There is no good option. I don't want to break the family apart, but then I don't want this either. Well I do not want some of it - just the good parts!! How do you break nearly 2 decades of co-dependency? There is so much good...he is a good person and (despite the money threat mentioned earlier) he is kind and caring. We can be such a good team. Yet...I can't stomach how his outward looking views have changed so much, we have lost respect for one another's perspective, lost affection, probably physical attraction. I feel trapped by his outlook and I think he mine. Four dc!!

How do people make this decision when there is no abuse?

It sounds like you both have your hands full with studying and work and kids so if you are able to get on the same page through therapy you might be able to successfully cohabit/coparent for a period of time without any romantic relationship until you’re both in a better position to consider a proper split? Depends on him being on board though and neither of you wanting to start new relationships which would be a huge sticking point.