Leaving due to one time too many technically abuse but not that bad

[Dontwannagiveausernamethankyou]

I have been an avid surfer (surfers get it) of Mumsnet but never wanted to ever post. I have been (apparently) a victim of domestic abuse for 9 years. It’s never been that bad , but somehow bad enough that now I see it. So. After one drip in the cup too many I left him. Now I’m out I see how bad it was. Needed a child arrangement order and to do so had to log last bad time with 101. They pointed out even one time is abuse. Feel like if slowly getting somewhere with that , but anyone else feel it’s not so bad it abuse , but also technically is? How long have you stayed ? Me 9 years so no judgment! And how did you get out ? And what happened and what did you realise about yourself?

Well done for recognising what was going on and making the move. You've already started to see what onlookers probably questioned and if your experience is anything like mine it will be like a gradual decloaking and reflection process.

I was with my STBX from 18 years of age, got married at 20 and I justified incidents over the next 21 years until he attacked our DS. He had physically attacked me before but some 10 years earlier. After that incident, when he'd calmed, I told him that if it ever happened again we would separate for a period of reflection. Friends and a colleague had been suggesting that we seemed to be in a pattern and raised concerns about coercion and control. I honestly couldn't see it! His mental health was poor and he had a bad relationship with his parents which used to stress him out. These things were what I used to justify his outbursts but I had always insisted that no matter how angry he got, he would never hurt the children. Then I was proven wrong and tbh my world started to fall apart from there. Like you, I label it as 'not that bad' and I often feel guilty even using the DA label but I have an amazing support worker who encourages me to accept that abuse is abuse in whatever format.

It has been just under 2 years since he left and I'm still only just coming to terms with the idea it's over (probably cos he is suddenly pushing for divorce and financial settlement - see my earlier post!). I can now see how I was coerced and controlled from the very start of the relationship. Physical abuse was rare but emotional abuse was normal. The hardest bit for me is the unbearable guilt that my normalisation of his behaviour and blindness to reality has caused my children to suffer. They have spent their entire 15 and 17 years being normalised to extreme outbursts and manipulative behaviour. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and tbch, there are many days that I feel very hopeless and overwhelmed with guilt, sadness and anger and there are days where I feel stupid for even contemplating that it could be DA and start to convince myself I've overreacted.

So that's what has happened so far. I wish I knew how this will end. At the moment I am scared that I will lose the house in the financial battle and the idea of moving is beyond anything I can cope with at the moment. I feel pathetic for struggling so much with all this when others have far more to deal with. I feel stupid for not recognising what was going on. I hate that I am this ugly, fat, aging good-for-nothing excuse for a person. But the thing I hate myself the most for is not protecting the children all those years.

So that's what has happened so far. I wish I knew how this will end. At the moment I am scared that I will lose the house in the financial battle and the idea of moving is beyond anything I can cope with at the moment!

Thanks so much for your reply sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Thanks cos it has really confirmed I’ve done the right thing as I am years behind you and thankfully no physical abuse so far only emotional however it probably would have escalated if I’d stayed. I understand what you’re saying about losing the house I too am a homeowner and have been told no legal aid as I’m a homeowner which is ridiculous!! Is there any way you could temporarily transfer ownership to a trusted family member and temporarily give up job just to qualify for legal aid til this is sorted ? The worst thing is knowing you have to chose between financial stability and children’s welfare the system is so warped :(
Fyi fat ugly and good for nothing as you put it is all an opinion that you’ve been led to believe. Even the fact you’ve replied to me and you have your kids well-being at heart contradicts that , as for fat and ugly I think we all believe we are when life wears us down. I know it’s cliche but that really is in the eye of the beholder , and you have probably been led to believe that and you’re getting nowhere so you do believe it. Lest we forget marylin monroe was size 16-18 (large for the time she was alive as well) and had a hell of a lot of makeup. Yet she was a pin up , and so becomes more beautiful as the beauty is in the beholder. Hope that made sense :/ my brain doesn’t make sense to me much anymore
Really struggling right now with trying to fall out of love with exP as well everywhere I loook he’s there and constantly wondering if I’ve done the right thing :( hopefully this is just a stage I have to go through
You will be ok though , and your kids will know. I worry my kid won’t as he’s so young :( xx

I was with Exh for 10 years. Exw warned me what he was like but in the early stages with me he wasn’t like that so I didn’t believe her.
By about year 3 it started getting weird, he became controlling but slowly in a boiling frog kind of way, he lied a lot, he stonewalled sometimes for weeks, he called me names, then after there would be massive living highs and I’d convince myself I’d got it wrong.

My family despised him and started pushing me to leave.

He then started to move the abuse up a notch, the odd shoulder barge, the odd accidental foot stuck out as I walked past, the odd door slammed in my face etc but again, it was slow and I had always been a strong person but I felt wrong footed all the time and started doing thing just to “keep the peace”

Eventually it became more physical and he hurt me three times, the last of which was my reason to leave. Even now he won’t admit it happened how it did, despite me having injuries he managed to change the narrative to make him the victim and has suggested I was attacking him (I wasn’t, I was absolutely terrified he would kill me if I’m honest)

Due to the children and the threats he made over getting custody of them I still continued on and off to try with him whilst we lived apart. It’s taken two years of this, but now I’m in the middle of a full in divorce.

Even now I sit and think “was it that bad?” Because on balance, divorcing him is proving to be worse than a slap round the face!!

I got my children out of it i guess. My xh was unbearable but, 'not that bad' either. It would still be so much easier if hed just beaten me.

I thought this thread would fill up quickly. Im amazed it hasn't.

I did 9 years. He left me. THEN I realised how bad it had been. I was suffering severe depression. It lifted within a couple of months and I've never been happier!

You all have done the right thing

How dare they treat anyone this way

I managed to escape after 15 months but it took 25 attempts the scum bag always got me somehow

Anyway log it all with relevant agencies

My loser is up in court soon and hopefully he will get jail for all he did

Sorry that many others have been through this hell xxxxx

Can relate to this post so much. Have been the victim of extreme emotional abuse, the kids have seen me manhandled out of the front door and thrown on the doorstep with the contents of my handbag hurled after me.hes tried to tell them they dreamed it. My young son has had to retrieve my belongings from a car that my partner has slashed the tyres renering me unable to get away. From him What hurts the most is him trying to paint himself as the victim, I could 'forgive' or get past most things but to report ME to the police for abuse is a whole other level of getting your ducks in a row.thankfully it's seen for what it is

Thanks so much for all your replies. It’s really helped me see emotional abuse through the eyes of you if you know what I mean .. like when you’re wrapped up in it your so wrapped up , but now my friends know what’s been going on theyre like wow that is actually bad. And hearing all of your stories I see ot through an outsiders eyes and yeah it is bad every one of you ! I don’t know if I could possibly go into the ins and outs of what had happened as it’s like a can of worms I guess the sane with all of you , you’re able to give an overview but I’m sure these examples are only the top of the ice burg unfortunately.
Williesfillies I’m so sorry that divorcing has proved to be more difficult. I am lucky that I didn’t marry him (SO very nearly did though) but I do know that one day it’ll be over and you will be pleased. No pain no gain so they say I suppose :/ I do know personally someone who is a bit like us all but now into her 70s and had to go through so much that she wondered the same thing. She later on became a mayor (I won’t say which town) but there is life after and it certainly will make you stronger. All of us.
I do wonder .. I was in a bad relationship before this exP as well, I wonder if it’s me. Maybe I like too much to see the good in people ? What are all of your thoughts on this ?
Mountainwoman and queenie (and the rest ) I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It kinda hits home I think when the children start to see it
Couldawoulda yes I know exactly what you mean , a ‘proper’ beating would have made it all easier
For my exP it was probably only once a year hed hit me. But the rest of the time it was walking on eggshells now I look back on it. We did have many many good times. But when they were good I was always aware like don’t rock the boat whatever you do !
Am so worried about court that I don’t think I can do it am thinking a consent order is probably the way. But that means no supervised access which has been recommended. Any of you watched the dispatches thing about family courts on e4? (V triggering though don’t watch on my account) but that has seriously put me off courts.
Sorry for rambling , am once again left alone to my thoughts :/

And sorry mangoon thanks for giving a level of optimism to an otherwise quite depressing thread !! I do know things will get better eventually it’s just a matter of time hopefully , there is already calm and happiness about the house right now which was not a consistent thing before .. I know that once child contact is completely sorted I will be able to move on with my life and heal. Right now pizza and wine is my temporary plaster :D

And willies fillies sooty I should have said earlier but have just been rereading the thread .. the threat of taking the child was exactly why I stayed so long. He actually carried it out a few times and was awful. And police could do nothing as there were no court orders. I think that is really the main emotional abuse that I endured the threat of I’ll take child and you’ll never see him again. And knowing he will follow through. Damn near broke me a few times.

Sorry not sooty haha