Separation, divorce, domestic abuse and finances :-(

[Charismac]

I've got myself in a bit of a mess by plonking my head firmly in the sand! Now my STBX wants to divorce and sort finances. He's claiming it should be 50/50 but I read an online survival guide which suggests it's more complicated.

He had to leave nearly 2 years ago due to DA and now I don't know if this is more coercion and control or if he's right! I'm so confused and I can't afford to get a solicitor atm.

I've been with STBX all my adult life and we've been married 22 years. Everything we have has been accrued throughout the relationship so 50/50 makes sense on the face of it. We have 2 x DC - DD is 17 and refuses to see STBX. DS is 15, has ASD and can be very aggressive towards me and sometimes DD. He idolises STBX and last month started staying with him alternate weekends. STBX refuses to have him 'live' with him but will have him stay on this basis.

I remain in our 4 bed house with a hefty (to me) mortgage to pay. Stupidly, when he first left and I didn't recognise the DA aspect of the relationship, we bought a flat together for him to live in temporarily whilst we resolved things and then we'd rent it out. We raised the funds by extending the mortgage on the house and bought the flat for cash.

We have agreed to ignore our fairly like-for-like run around cars, furniture etc so the assets we have to split are the flat valued at £95k, the house valued at £340k and a specialist car worth around £25k. The only debts we have are the mortgage £208k and my student loan which is about £9k. He proposes I keep the house, mortgage and loan and he gets the flat and car which I suppose is about 50/50.

For the last year, since we had the flat, he has paid £400 a month which was the increase in the mortgage to afford it. He has not paid anything towards the kids. If I take on the house and pay the full mortgage, the amount I'll have left for all other bills, food, clothing and fuel will be £600 pm plus CB and some UC but that's about to end. Half that will go just on ctax, gas, elec and water. I also get DLA for DS but I need to use this to pay for extra tutoring, specialist shoes and other bits. I can't afford to pay for and run the house for the 3 of us on that but STBX is on a little over min wage albeit he'd be mortgage/rent free. He also has a girlfriend and I'm worried he's trying to push me into this so he can move in with her and rent out the flat. Maybe I'm less worried about that and more angry, idk!

Is he right about how to split the finances? I recognise I may need to sell the house but am trying to avoid this due to DS' ASD and DD with ASD traits. They need stability not change right now.

Bumping for you for someone more knowledgeable. I would definetly get some illegal advice before agreeing to anything as it seems biased to your ex more than you. You have to house the children so should possibly be looking for more than a 50/50 split in your favour.

Thanks. He's become so cold towards me and is forcing me down a route I'm not ready for. It's quite scary. I haven't even admitted we've separated to a lot of people as Covid lockdowns have prevented meetings in person so I've just skirted round the subject. I'm really not getting my head round it very well.

How would YOU like the finances to be split?

Even if 50/50 is appropriate, you would need to include the value of any pensions in that mix. He may have a lot of pension, depending on what kind of job he has (or, none, in some circumstances, particularly at min wage if he's always been there).

Your student loan -- if the standard type I'm not really sure that needs to count. You only pay if earning above about £27k, and it gets wiped after 30 years. But, if a bank loan, then yes to including it.

Given the age of your children, some arrangement to temporarily stay in the house is not unusual (although not the best if a clean break could be sorted out). That could mean ongoing support a little longer than he would wish.

You need expert legal advice and you need it fast.

You are still housing the DCs AND you're housing him because the flat is paid for. The chances of him continuing to pay the £400 pm are vanishingly small.

I don't see how it can be 50/50 if you are left with the debt and he gets a free flat!

The other thing of course is do you want to keep the house? If you want to downsize yourself then that becomes simpler - you each 'own' half the current mortgage, sell the house, pay that off and split the proceeds MINUS the value of his flat. If that means he 'owes' you money then he'll have to mortgage the flat.

So it's 340 + 95 which means your total joint assets are 435

Sell the house and pay off the 208 = 228

You should each walk away with £114k either in 'cash' or 'a flat'.

Or, you can buy him out of the house for around 19k (the difference between the value of the flat and what you would each get if you sold the house) and he keeps the flat as 100% his.

It's really important to see his flat as 'yours' not 'his' as it's a joint asset of the marriage.

But all this is sensible chat and if there was DA I think the chances of him being sensible are tiny. You need a lawyer.

*Disclaimer - my arithmetic is terrible so treat my numbers with caution!

The other thing to remember is that people's first offer in a negotiation is rarely favourable to the other party!

Thank you for all your comments. I want to be fair to him but I'm also conscious that I'm going to be landed with university fees etc.

I'm not sure about the house long term but tbh I can't even contemplate the idea of selling it at the moment. I also don't feel it's the right choice for DC. We've had a rough few years and we're all struggling one way or another so keeping the familiarity of the house and the safety of their bedrooms is important at the moment.

As far as pensions go, I expect I have the most. I've been the highest earner pro rata throughout our relationship but have also been the primary carer so only worked part time for a period until the youngest DC was 10.

I can see I'm going to have to get some legal advice. I just don't know where to start.

Do you have any friends who have used family solicitors? Personal recommendations are always good.

If you're London/SE I might be able to suggest someone. You really need to get proper advice, and do it now.