Letting go of the future you thought you had

[Sixeight]

We’ve done relate. We’ve done a mediation. But we’re still at an impasse.

We’ve been together for over 20 years. I instigated the marital issues when something in my head broke and I just couldn’t cope any more. I feel so guilty for minimising everything for so long, but I was just trying to hold us all together for the sake of the children.

Neither of us can let go of the future we had planned, even though it’s pretty clear that we couldn’t get back to that vision. So, we are existing in this awful non communicating atmosphere, which is brutal.

But neither of us will admit responsibility, or say that we should separate, for fear of being seen as the one who chooses to destroy the family.

He says I need therapy, to sort me out. I’ve had a few counselling sessions but it was so expensive. He’s had counselling via his work. He’s now saying I should pay to speak to a different counsellor. I’m not sure it’ll help :(

What do I do?

I have been in that position and it was hell living like it. We were in the same house living completely separate lives and not communicating at all. If he tried to speak to me about the situation I would completely shut down, I just couldn’t cope with living like that or the alternative which was divorce. I would never want to go back to that place again. I had councilling on my own and with him, looking back now he was pushing the councilling on me as it was a way of him saying it’s her not me (which really wasnt the case). In the end I left, it was a tough time for a while but also a relief as I don’t think until I was away from the situation that I realised how bad it had been, I’d numbed myself to cope. I always thought we would be together forever, I had loved him deeply and felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I had a picture how my life would be and suddenly and abruptly it was gone. If you feel that councilling can help go for it, it did help me to hear him admit things he had done had been wrong and that he had damaged our relationship but it didn’t undo them and I think that’s what I expected which clearly is unrealistic. Maybe try? See how it’s goes? I have moved on with my life, I’m happily remarried but I guess I don’t have an idealistic vision of how our lives will pan out as I’m maybe a bit bruised from my first marriage or maybe wiser I’m not sure.

Thank you @Tara336. It is reassuring, in a way, to hear from someone else whose been though similar. It’s awful. You’re right though, and I hadn’t thought of it like this before - I shut down when he asks me to talk about it. Partly because I know that if I just let rip with everything in my head, he’ll use it as a reason that I want the marriage over. Or he’ll counteract everything I say with a supremely logical, quick thinking answer that leaves me thinking that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

He’s a decent bloke, I hate that I’m hurting him. But I feel so stuck at the moment. I just can’t deal with his behaviour any more. He hasn’t changed, I have :(

It’s ok to have changed. 20 years is a long time.
It’s painful but it’s a plaster that needs to be ripped off. Do it. It’ll hurt. But in months down the line you will be so glad you did.

@RosesandPumpkins you may well be right.

But how?

How do you rip off the plaster, especially when you aren’t talking, get panic attacks when you try to summon up the courage to say something, when a part of your brain keeps saying ‘just learn to cope again, it can go back to how it was. Not perfect, but better than it is now’...

How do you do it?

You start making a plan. Look at your finances and start to think about where you could live, what you could afford etc.
You start making some practical decisions.

Or you carry on until you can’t take it anymore.

The turning point for me was wanting my own space and so I started looking at rentals and making practical plans to move out.

It takes an enormous amount of bravery to say the words that end a marriage. It sounds like he is someone who will blame you no matter how the end eventually happens so it is probably best to end the misery now rather than drag it out and still be blamed.
Some men will never take responsibility regardless of the decisions they make that lead you to that point.

He is going to tell people whatever he chooses to and you have no control over that or what they think. Once you let go of worrying what people will think then it helps. People who love you will support you, even if it was your 'fault'.

Ultimately it sounds like you are going to be the one who is brave enough to do what needs to be done for both of your futures and mental health.

I left a long term relationship.As hard as it was I knew that I couldn't get any more miserable and lonely in that relationship.

The thought of wasting any more of my life being in a dead relationship gave me the courage I needed to end it. I realised that a lot of it was just habit, the familiar. If someone brings nothing to your life and doesn't lift you up, it's time to set yourself free.

You have to be prepared to be the bad guy as it were. He will tell people you ended the marriage and he wanted to work at it. You have to be OK with that and focus on building a happier life. That's assuming there really is no other way and the marriage is broken beyond repair.

You will get your voice.
Until then start looking online at rentals and finances. Removal costs, replacement white goods. Utilities and broadband packages.
Do you earn enough to support yourself?