My husband left me (devastated and hearbroken) 3.5m ago, but it's me that's filed. Struggling with decision! Anyone relate?

[Anonymous2021]

My husband left me 3.5 months ago (together 9y, married 4y, young child). It was completely out of the blue for me - I thought we were in a committed marriage and was completely devastated, destroyed, and heartbroken.

I had hoped it was Covid/lockdown stress/depression as we had all sorts of big life plans that were underway (albeit also stressful involving relocation, house buying/selling, new jobs etc.) but he didn't want to consider reconciliation, was absolutely determined to 'formally' separate very quickly (moving out into a rental, splitting finances, arrangements seeing our child etc.) and was at times horrible to me during the first months of separation.

Crucially though, he informed of a “new” girlfriend within 2 months of leaving (work colleague, know of her, probably EA and I'm almost certain was part of the reason he left - or was at least complicit). His 'new' relationship was the final nail in this whole mess, so after lots of soul searching I filed for divorce on UB grounds and it is now underway (waiting to apply for Decree Nisi now). He agreed (very easily) so it should be relatively simple.

The divorce has given me some control back and a tangible way forward. I know that the technical process of (a quite straight forward) divorce will take place at a different ' rate' to my emotional healing, which will take a lot longer, but some days I am a wreck all over again. I am still so devastated.

I fantasise about us reconciling (even though I said this new relationship was the nail in the coffin), about him telling me to stop the divorce proceedings, even about reconciling after the divorce has gone through. Then I want to slap myself as I remember "HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND YOU FOOL!".

I just still can’t quite believe he left me and this is our life now. I know I am grieving hard. I am reading the books, seeing a therapist weekly, doing things for myself, making new friends, making plans etc., so the future is not bleak, but it's still not the future I want. I loved being married and settled. I look back at the hopes and dreams I had for us, our family, our wonderful wedding day, the many, many happy times and I am just anguished. I miss him, our family unit, the security and commitment that comes with marriage.

I do know though that this is partly a case of rose-tinted glasses, and that if one person is unhappy (to the point of leaving) the marriage is clearly struggling. I just can't help but think "if we'd just tried". Although then, when I think about the OW, the likelihood of an EA, the red flags leading up to him leaving and the fact this man now is not the man I married (after all your "soulmate" doesn't leave you and destroy you on the way out...), I know divorce is the right thing to do, I'm just worrying I've rushed it. Ultimately, I never wanted this and regularly think "I don't actually want to get divorced, but I have to as the marriage is over". It feels like he, to all intents and purposes, is really the one to divorce me (emotionally) and I am just the one doing the paperwork.

I just wondered if anyone else has had experience of their husbands being the one to leave them heartbroken, but you being the one to file, and relatively “early” on in the separation? I see now just how early days it all is still. Looking for anyone who can relate and especially positive stories etc.!

I've not been in your shoes but why rush?
Why not prioritise letting your heart heal and getting your emotional equilibrium back?
You're not going to be at your best in negotiations for finances etc. (And that's in a seeing what's fairest approach)
You're separated - but currently you eg inherit from him and get the pension payout if he got run over tomorrow. And he wants out and that's power in your hands.
I would honestly find a counsellor and talk your feelings through. He can go fiddle.

@PicaK - I know, it does feel like I'm rushing doesn't it. The finances is one of the reasons for proceeding sooner rather later. We agreed a settlement in the early days which I was happy with, but it was my solicitor that said divorce sooner rather than later as we can't officially separate finances until the Decree Nisi, and I just want to move forward, buy a new house etc.

There's also a huge part of me that can't bear the idea of being married to someone in another relationship, when I'm the one that was left. It would be difference if it was amicable, agreed and we'd both moved on, but I'm very much the abandoned party!

I was going to say why rush too. I'm 2.5 years on my haven't filed (I think it's up to him as he left!) we have sorted financials ourselves and aren't bothering with a consent order as it's costs too much (they require an official pension report that's over £1000, we would rather keep the money!)

I get it and understand. My ex cheated and I’m running the process. Even though I don’t really want to divorce him. I have to though. Even though I still adore him and would have him back in a heartbeat. He doesn’t know this. I have to end it for myself. He’s a cheat and it won’t change.

I can relate, but I agree with pp, there’s no rush. I’m taking my time, not rushing through as I want to ensure that I’m making decisions based on logic and not emotions.

@Anonymous2021
I did the same - there was no OW and still isn’t 2 years on. I was abandoned after 26 years and 20 married as he no longer loved me.. I felt the only way to have any control was to initiate the divorce. That was final last October and although I still don’t want to be divorced and still don’t understand his reasons as he couldn’t articulate them -I think Covid kind of insulated the hurt and I’m now beginning to tackle moving forward.
So I understand totally your decision , hopefully it enables you to retain some self esteem and confidence as that has been the benefit for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working through the rejection issues but I can say to myself that I didn’t hang around waiting for him to perhaps change his mind after 2 years and then have him divorce me anyway- I made what he wanted final.
Lots of love and hugs to you x

Hi there OP I could have written your post myself. I wondered how you are doing now a year or so on? My husband left me and my two year old daughter three months ago and I’m convinced a relationship with a much younger colleague will come out very soon. He’s pushing me to divorce him and “ move on with my life “. It all feels so very rushed and I’m heartbroken by it all.

hi! I’m in the same boat but a little bit different. Husband left me and abandoned his son, been having an affair too and even though he asked for the divorce, said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, after 2 months, he still hadn’t submitted the divorce application. I asked him to submit the divorce a few weeks ago but again, no, he didn’t. Why?! Control is my assumption, so he can pretend to people it was all my idea (it certainly wasn’t though). So I submitted the divorce application this week. F**k that man. I wanted my life back and not waiting for the email or papers to drop into my lap one day.

My husband is already with his new woman and has moved closer to her and further from his son. But I too have dreams of reconciliation and would love him to come back as this is NOT the life I signed up for but alas, I would never take him back. Not now I know he definitely had an affair and started dating new woman a week after he left! He’s destroyed me emotionally and mentally - I just couldn’t be with him again. Like you said, your soulmate wouldn’t do that to you.

So sorry to hear this. It’s so overwhelming isn’t it, my husband has treated me appallingly - literally walked out three months ago has seen our two year old twice in that time , for 7 hours in total - no phone calls nothing. He was trying to get me to put our family home on the market within two week of him leaving - he has deleted photos of our life together on social, then blocked me off everything. It’s completely heartbreaking and very hard to understand. He then emails me so so coldly no “how are you” “hope you are ok” just demands now that he wants to see his daughter on x days. Oh but not for another month yet as he’s going to Ibiza for a 2 week holiday. I just wish I didn’t have to have anything to do with him again as I just feel like it will forever be a lose lose situation for me to have him dipping in as he pleases to spend time with our daughter and yet carry on enjoying his life without responsibility of a marriage . Devastated by it all

I was where you are now just over 3 years ago. It took about 18 months for the shock to sink in. I felt devastation, shame and embarrassment that he’d left me. I didn’t really leave the house much and changed where I shopped. I didn’t want to bump into school mums and have to explain. The experience isn’t one you can really understand until you’ve been in it. The day I removed my wedding rings, I felt my identity shatter into pieces around me.

I found the Runaway Husbands book and the private Facebook group the most helpful resource. I educated myself on limerence and affairs in a quest to understand what had happened to my H. I was determined to make the best of the situation and not become bitter towards him. We get on brilliantly now. I get on well with his gf. I have a lovely boyfriend. Falling in love with him healed me. You will be okay. Just hang in there. Join the private Runaway Husbands Facebook group, those ladies know exactly what you’re going through. You’ll be amazed at how much you’ll be able to relate to women who are in the same situation, experiencing the same thing. Give yourself time to heal and don’t jump right into a new relationship My other therapy was sewing because it absorbed me.

I think you’ve done the right thing to pursue the divorce. If it’s all straightforward then it’s the right thing to do and you can move forward. I’m still married but mostly because divorce will be about selling the house and exH doesn’t want to uproot the children.

www.runawayhusbands.com