Do you wonder what if?

[coolpattern]

I don’t think I’m entirely likeable. I have friends but not 100% convinced they’ll last the distance. I’m not in touch with anyone from school (30 years ago).

I absolutely adored him. Two peas in a pod etc.

Married 14 years. I first found out he cheated 12 years ago. Summary of events was that we went to counselling and essentially blamed on my lack of trust in men due to my father cheating on my mother.

We moved past his indiscretion as he promised never to talk to her again.

Fast forward 14 years and they’re still talking. He had her saved as a mans name in his contacts.

I’m done, I’m over it. I filed for the Nisi and we’re sorting out financials and childcare. He was initially awful and argumentative but has got better and seems polite. I’ve asked that all contact goes via email but he insists on calling. He’s been lovely the last few weeks.

I know I need to follow through and finalise this. But I do so wonder what if…besides the cheating and financial shitheap he landed me in, I still adore him. What the actual f is wrong with me???

I don't have much wisdom to impart but I couldn't read and run mainly because I have been there.. swinging between wtf am I doing, I love him to I hate what he did and I must move on etc.. I think it's part and parcel of separating-its not easy or simple and emotions are all over the place! For what it's worth I did let my ex come back about year later after falling completely for his charm again. It lasted 3 days before he had to go again, because actually he was still very much the horrible person he had been before-I'd just not been around it for a while my tolerance had expanded. My advice would be to give yourself time to go through it all, the full spectrum of emotions that separations bring( including still adoring them despite the way you were treated!)..its a rocky old road!
Hope it all works out well for you one way or another...x

It is a grief process you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. Be kind and give yourself time.

I'm in a very similar situation. Been together 17 years, there was some cheating on her part 5 years ago (sexting, which she denies is proper cheating) then recently I found out that not only did she kiss someone this year, but she kissed a friend 4 years ago that she'd denied at the time, and is still in touch with now.

Added to that is general shittery of alcohol issues, hidden debt and leaving me struggling with the children both practically and financially.

It all sounds shit on the surface but I am like you, remembering the good times and wondering if I've done the right thing, that maybe yet one more chance would solve it all. Feeling shit because everything we had is gone, and there were good times in amongst it. My head knows the trust is gone but it feels so awful. And she's been asking me if there's any hope.

I'm also really worried about having to share the kids. She said she didn't really want them and I convinced her to have them, (I gave birth btw, I didn't co-erce her into that!) and so it grieves me even more to think that I'll have to miss weekend and holiday time with them.

Apparently it gets easier.

Just reread my post and I meant she said I convinced her to have the kids after we had them - at the time I thought we both wanted them.

I’m sorry there are others in this horrible limbo state. I fluctuate between hating him and missing him.

When he’s being his usual selfish horrible self it’s easy to keep going but we’re tying up the consent order and he’s being very pleasant. I know deep down he’s up to something and I expect he’s expecting a windfall given his sudden cooperation.

Something I'm going to do soon, is write down all my objective reasons for leaving her. Just on a phone note. Then when I feel nostalgic and sentimental, I can remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Your ex does sound like he's planning something. Hopefully it won't be anything too bad.

Mine keeps sending me melancholic messages about how she misses 'us' and me, and how she hates not being able to come home. And I start to waver. So I go away and think about all the good times, feel bad about doing this to her, then I have to remind myself of everything she's done. Then I get angry again. And that stops me from getting sucked in. But omg, it's so up and down. And over all this I have to keep a nice happy smile on for the kids all day.

I'm sure I'm alone in this opinion and I'm not advocating for starting a new relationship in a hurry but I think that until we meet someone else who makes us feel loved etc we don't fully let go.

My ex was a difficult man to be around. Now I look back and see narc traits. He came back at the start of the pandemic 2 years after he left telling me it was always me etc. I fell hook line and sinker. But he was just using me. And being his manipulative self. I've cut him off completely now. The only communication we have is about pick up times for the kids.

Being in a relationship is usually mostly good. That person who you share everything with is hard to let go. Our brains are tricking us. It's doesn't like to remember things that upset us to protect us. Our logical brain tells us we deserve better. But our heart want that loved feeling.

In time it is easier. It helps that my ex continues to be a dick and not see the children or pay to support them etc. But I know I just need to move on and meet someone me else to feel truly healed.

I can’t imagine meeting someone else. I can’t see myself willingly putting my feelings on the line again.

I don’t appear to be missing sex either so I’m just focusing on the kids. The youngest is 11 and I don’t want to complicate their childhoods.

@coolpattern I agree. It has been 4 years since kids dad left. And the children and I are much happier on our own. I still miss him at times even though he is a complete selfish arse. I hope in the future if/when I meet someone else that will finally stop.

I can’t imagine meeting someone else. I can’t see myself willingly putting my feelings on the line again.

100% this. My wife has thrown so much back in my face about stuff I told her, good and bad. She's used all sorts of things against me in arguments. I don't know if I'll ever reach that level of intimacy again. She was my first real love and I bared my soul and it has been twisted against me. I think in future relationships, if I bother, I'll end up holding back.

If we can only truly move on once we meet someone new I'll be riding this out for a long time as my kids are 6 and 1 so I'm definitely not in the right position for a new relationship.

Thank you both for talking to me. I’m feeling very alone in who I can trust to confide in. Most of our friendships were joint couple friendships and I’m holding back from confiding in the women I considered to be my friends as he’s done such a good job of appearing to be a great guy. They know what he’s done but the husbands love him and I don’t stand a chance really. Not many of “our” friends seem to care enough about me and the kids.

I’m rambling but maybe a move would be good for me and the kids. But I can’t move their schools and am trapped in an expensive area. All I can afford post divorce is a shitty terrace. I hate what he’s done to our big future plan and selling our forever house.

It is so hard at the beginning. Having the rug pulled from under your feet when it isn't what you want is a big adjustment. You will come out the other side in time. There isn't a hurt like it. And It still makes me feel sad that what I gave wasnt enough. But that's on him.

The children and I are doing ok. The pandemic has had its pluses that we had no choice but to pause. Rest and reset. But it has been very lonely.

I don't see someone being part of mine and the children's lives full time. But I know I'm ready to consider dating and having something in my life that is for me. Otherwise I work. Parent and that is it.

Things that help at the start. Packing up his stuff and getting everything out of sight. Rearranged furniture and changed things around to make home different. Counselling. I found a charity that did low cost sessions. This was my safe place to work things through. Anti depressants. Not for everyone I know. But it enabled me to function. Journaling. Draft emails and notes that never went anywhere. Helped with the out pour of emotions. And Early nights I still need a lot of sleep. And that ok.

This will pass. You deserve so much more. Just take each day as it come and look after yourselves best you can.

Something I'm going to do soon, is write down all my objective reasons for leaving her. Just on a phone note. Then when I feel nostalgic and sentimental, I can remind myself of why I'm doing this.

That is what I did and it helped and was a pivotal moment. I had a huge list of bad things and tiny list of his good points. I felt a bit ashamed what I had put up with.

Mine was a serial cheat and emotionally and at times physically abusive. He was also a lazy crap parent. Unfortunately that continued after he left and he is mostly deadbeat.

He was very selfish as a person. He was not happy when I got a job for example. He had a problem with women in general and was always angry at any women at work who were superior. He wanted to keep me dependent yet would throw in my face that I didn't work. Despite the fact we had a very large family that I did everything for while he worked away for up to 9 months at a time...

He chose to split as he was in love apparently with some woman he met a matter of weeks earlier. I don't miss him at all. He was crap company. Didn't do any housework etc. There is very little difference. It is financially harder because I am sole earner (thank goodness I ignored him and went back to work) and the pandemic has been gruelling childcare wise.

I always tried to see the best in him and am a very forgiving person. To the point of being passive and walked on. I wanted to keep the family together. I did love him. But I didn't know him. Strange after 25 years! He never listened or considered me. I am hurt and angry the way he has been very aggressive since leaving. But I know I will be better off in the long run. I got a good settlement which helps.