How do you share the kids with ex dh?

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

DH and I are seperating as the marriage is well and truly done! So we’ve had the conversation which is a huge relief! However we are not agreeing on the child care arrangements. I suggested week one he has them on Thursday, Friday and Saturday night and the following week Sunday and Monday night. The reason being is because I want the kids to have as little disruption during the school week as possible especially as my eldest has high functioning autism and isn’t great with change. He is saying I’m being unreasonable and the kids need to have 2 homes and that he wants them to come and stay with him during the week and that he wants joint custody. I want to be fair but at the same time I want the best for the kids as they didn’t choose to be I this situation.
Really keen to hear what arrangement/days other people do?

My ex used to do eow. My best friend on the other hand does week on, week off. There are no clear best ways, it depends on your children, distance, etc.

There isn't any standard as each couple have different agreements depending on how they lived before they split up and where they live since.

The main thing to ask yourself is why are you leaving him to have the fun ends of the week why you do all the hard work in the week for all your children?

Also if your eldest kid has autism would it benefit the others to have some time having some parental attention without them? Disability not only affects the parents but the other children in the household which is why there are charities for young carers. It wouldn't disrupt them if they are NT to see their dad in the week unlike your eldest.

I would negotiate with your ex about each kid individually according to their individual needs due to you having a kid with a disability.

I’ve done this a couple of different ways with a SEN child and there’s a few things to think about:

• Sunday changeovers are really difficult for kids. If it’s morning it’s hard to explain to them why they’re getting up and going, if it’s afternoon it properly kills your day and it makes life really rushed and for a child with SEN that’s hard work on both parties, which creates stress for the child.

• handovers after school reduce conflict. Eg. Child is dropped at school by mum on Friday morning, child is collected by Dad Friday night, child stays the weekend with Dad and is dropped at school Monday morning, child is collected by Mum Monday night.

• you are better having blocks of time, but to put a weekend with either parent. This gives opportunities to go and stay with family, to have parties, to just do things normal kids do. Say you want to stay with you Mum/Dad/Aunt/Uncle/oldest friend/go away for a weekend - you can’t do that on the schedule you’re proposing.

• Kids do adapt to shared parenting, but they need consistency from you both. Bed times and routines as close as possible really help.

While PP is right, it helps each child to have parent time individually, if you have to go to court it will never be agreed, they’re nearly always a package. So be careful there.

Don't you want a whole weekend so you can go away to maybe extended family ? EOW is common because both parents need a whole weekend for quality time.

Make sure that he understands that what he asks for is applicable for school holiday too and if he says has Wednesday, he has to pay childcare on Wednesday during the school holidays and can't have you pick them up for him. He can't pick the kids up at 7pm from your house then put them to bed and call it his night. If he wants Wednesday (for example) he is responsible for the whole day from 9am on holidays. (If Tuesday is your day then you drop off Wednesday morning to him or childcare)

There's no correct answer to this as it depends on the family. If he wants 50/50 then he has to commit to living nearby so he can do the school run, take them to parties etc

Thank you lovely people and yes actually Friday, Saturday and Sunday night makes much more sense! Just can’t work out what to do for week 2 though.

Kids need routine and consistency above all else. Keep it simple, it really is quality not quantity when it comes to time with the NRP.