Timing of separation for DCs

[Heymumba]

DP and I are planning our imminent separation, however the timing is awful.
DC1 is about to begin a new school and DC2 is starting school for the first time. We have been unhappy for some time and have lived as separate people under the same roof for a couple of years now so we could wait. It's just that it's the furthest we've come to officially separating.

Would you wait until DCs are more settled in school before initiating it? I was thinking half a term would probably be enough time just to get them settled.
But, it means putting it off a little longer and I may not feel as strong as I do now.
Any thoughts?

Well, first question is, is he moving out or are you? Or both of you and vacating the family home? Have you agreed how to manage the childcare once you split up? If it is just a case of your OH moving out, it might not feel as disruptive for the kids (especially if he isn’t a very present dad).

For the first half term at school my dd was exhausted, and a bit anxious. It is a big change for them. So if you aren’t in a hurry, I would say why add the pressure of family life going through a massive upheaval too. If you wait half a term, you’ll be moving at a good time of year, and the kids will soon be swept up in the excitement of the run up to Christmas. So make sure you have a solid plan for ensuring Christmas isn’t totally disrupted (assuming you do celebrate Christmas in some way), as that could help to emphasise for the kids that the “new normal” is no worse than the old normal.

I’d definitely use the remaining time to get in the habit of doing things very separately so you don’t have any family days out, he takes kids to see his family on his own etc. Also maybe you could have a few weekends away so the kids are used to being with daddy and you aren’t there.

Good luck op, you sound sensible and caring and thoughtful, so I’d be pretty confident whatever you decide, will turn out ok.

I split from my husband in the June before my oldest went to secondary. Although it meant a lot of upheaval in someways I think it was a good time. She went to a secondary with no one she knew and so it was a fresh start. Whereas my youngest who carries on in same school was worrying about explaining it to all her friends.

Sorry you're having to go through this, but one thing I've learned is there never really is a 'right time' - and in fact it could even be worse to wait until they're settled and then pull the rug from under their feet again. It'll be upsetting for all of you whenever you do it, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you can all get used to the new living arrangements and get back to 'normal'.

It is so hard, but it's always better for kids to grow up in a home with a happy parent, and be able to visit another happy parent. Honestly.

There's never a good time from the DC POV (and it's likely they won't realise that it's better than the alternative for a considerable time)

That said, you can make it easier. I think the key thing is to sort out the new arrangements before telling them. The main thing is where they will be living - are you able to stay in the family home with them, at least for the first months, or will you need to move? And how they will spend time with each parent.

So wait until you can say something like 'Daddy will be moving out, but he's got a nice flat only 10mins away, so of course you'll still be seeing lots of him and sleeping over (add agreed plan here)'
It's much easier to process that than 'Daddy will be moving out soo'

Thanks all. Very helpful responses.
I have spoken to DP and I had originally said I would move out and rent somewhere with DCs, but he says he will go and stay with his parents for 6 months-1 year initally so atleast the DCs will have some stability and be able to stay in the family home to begin with. The long term plan is to sell up and buy our separate properties.

We're both off work over the summer so there will be a lot more time than normal spent together unless we separate in the next week or two, but it feels very rushed. My gut is telling me to hang on a bit longer and get DCs settled in school after the summer holidays and then do it. We are currently having relationship counselling to navigate the logistics of everything as I suspect DH has has high functioning autism so the conversations so far have been non-productive as he struggles to see the bigger picture.