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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

How to tell the kids

11 replies

Kione · 15/07/2021 07:32

If there any other thread on this, please put a link as I can't find any.
So, I am leaving my husband after many years of a stale marriage, nothing in common. He is not a bad person but we were not compatible from the start.
He doesn't want to separate, he is trying to change my mind every day but I am actually really excited about my future and being myself again.
So I am the one leaving the family home.
We have a nearly 12 and 4 year olds.
I need help with wording to explain it to them. We are going to talk to my daughter (12) tomorrow, with me doing most of the taking.
Can you please help me the right words to start with? I don't want to fuck it up
Thanks a lot!!

OP posts:
BTE152 · 15/07/2021 11:47

Hi @Kione, have you looked at the Relate website? I found that really useful.

Kione · 15/07/2021 22:31

Hi, saw that but wanted to read personal experiences.

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 17/07/2021 22:58

@Kione
This is exactly what I told my kids (my STBX was there but did not say anyting)," Dad and I are separating. We do not get along so well and over the years we tried to work it out but could not. I want to you to know that we both love you very much and always will be here for you. Also, know that this has nothing to do with you."

That is it. First remember, you do not want to go into too many details with the kids because your relationship with your husband is your personal matter, also it may turn into blaming and you do not want to do that. Also, be clear and get to the point. The more you talk the harder it gets. I literally wrote this down and learned it by heart. My kids are older, 22, 19 and 16, but they live with us sill. They were stunned, shocked, there were a few "wow"s but that is that. The youngest started crying and left the room. Tomorrow 19 and 16 years old sat down with me to ask if I though this over, am I sure, did I give it enough though? It was really painful and scary but I thought I should stay calm and be firm and clear, and said, "yes, I gave it a lot of thought, we have been together 26 years and if we were not able to make it work by now, I do not think we ever will". That was that, no more questions, nothing.

I am sure that kids are struggling with this and thinking about it and worrying, but there was no more questions. I think it is important they know that you are certain about this, they you are not questioning yourself. My theory is that as long as I am acting normal, like this is not the end of the world, like this is just a part of life, not talking bad about their dad, talk openly about our plans, him moving out, my life afterwords and stuff that it will be ok. I mention sometimes in conversations, that I am anxious about all, but I am not crying, I am not making this into some kind of tragedy, which it really is not.

Kione · 19/07/2021 08:03

Thank you so much!
We have postponed telling the 12 year old until Friday
Because she has lots of fun things at school this week. He wanted to postpone, in hindsight I think we should've still told her because then she can see us doing things together. Dunno.
I will put later what I wrote, I tried to make it short too and learn it by heart.
But it is me moving out...

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 21/07/2021 20:46

@Kione
Good luck to you. Let me know how it went.

supercatlady · 21/07/2021 21:23

Are your children staying with their Dad. It will probably be important for them to know when and how often they will see you. My Mum left when I was 15. She just left letters for us all. I’m glad you’re explaining and giving them chance to ask questions.

Notanewbee · 21/07/2021 21:56

We said more or less what the person up thread said - my children remember the day/date Sad. What we weren't so good at was planning the time of day, place and lead up to the event. We sat them down, they were on one sofa and we were sat next to each other on the other and told them we needed to talk to them. No warning, we blurted it out (almost word for word, like I said). I think we possibly should have found some way of trying to soften the blow a bit. This was nearly a year ago and my 14 year old still tells me he's in shock. We'd been very good at hiding our arguments from him, he simply had no idea it was coming.

Sorry, have no advice really but to try and work out how best for them, as individuals and how you understand their needs - focus on how you think they are going to react and what would make it better.

Kione · 22/07/2021 11:46

@supercatlady

Are your children staying with their Dad. It will probably be important for them to know when and how often they will see you. My Mum left when I was 15. She just left letters for us all. I’m glad you’re explaining and giving them chance to ask questions.
We are planning on having them 50/50, and telling them they will have two homes. The rented house I got is close to the current family home.
OP posts:
callingtimethistime · 28/07/2021 21:41

Definitely play up the new home, with a new room. I found our my friends were divorcing when their 8 year old excitedly told DD she was going to have two bedrooms. They managed an amicable divorce and the DC seem to have handled it well.

Kione · 29/07/2021 07:18

Thank you. I discovered stick on wall paper! Last night stbxh went out and I told my daughter to find any wall paper she likes, lights etc. and she was quite excited. She is coming to look at our place with me today to look at her room and measure it :)
I get the keys on Monday and I can't wait.

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 29/07/2021 17:36

Kids are much stronger then we give them credit for also, I think, they look at us for clues. If we are too emotional, behaving like something tragic is happenig, a disaster of sort this will make them feel valnurable and emotional too. If we appear strong, calm and composed and behave like " business as ussual" like this is all " normal" part of life, I believe that they will follow. (Sorry for all spelling mistakes, no spell check on phones).Blush

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