Assets and income - chosing less

[mirandaspanda]

I don't want to give too many details away. We've been separated a long time and want to separate legally and financially.
I was the SAHP and hence earn significantly less but enough to live on. One child has decided to remain with the Ex and the others are 50:50 so I have to pay CM. Ex wants the house, so CM could be forward calculated and capitalised.
I'm not asking for pensions or any spousal.

Overall I think I'd walk away with about 20-25% from 2 decade long marriage. (and no there was no one else involved). I won't be able to buy another home without a large mortgage which is not possible given my age etc. But I can rent.

Friends tell me I am crazy but I really don't care about money. I'm staring a possible nasty diagnosis in any case so I just want out fast. Just thought I would see if anyone else has done something similar.

@mirandaspanda

I had to jump in because I saw you suggest CM could be forward calculated and capitalised. It can't be and the courts only have limited jurisdiction over CM. They can issue it for one year or issue a global maintenance (which mingles spousal and child maintenance) order that could surpass a year but basically a year from now your ex could ask the CSA to recalculate and you'll be paying again.

Another question I would ask is whether spousal maintenance is definitely out of the question? It'll be dependent on things like age, length of marriage etc but if he is a particularly high earner (think £100k+) and you can prove a demonstrable drop in your standard of living since separation then you may be entitled to some spousal that has a netting effect on the CM. Remember, "needs" in these kind of cases don't mean bread, water and shelter, they mean "needs" that existed in the relationship and are more generously interpreted. Your need to rent forever will be partially paid by housing benefit but nevertheless one day you might be a grandparent and it hardly seems fair if your ex has a stable place to live and you don't.

You absolutely should ask about pensions, they are often the most valuable asset. You should get half of what was saved during the marriage although this might be offset if you particularly want other assets. It depends what it is worth though, pension transfers are expensive so more worthwhile going after your share of a £100k pot than a £10k one. At least make an informed decision though.

I don't think you're crazy, you just want out of this. The trouble is, the other side could be even worse for you if you're not fair to yourself now.

By way of comparison, I'm the financially stronger party in my divorce and still in my late 30s and whilst spousal is generally unlikely (except maybe for a couple of years) there is an expectation that we leave the marriage on an equal footing. I think it's absolutely essential that both parties come out that way because otherwise there is a very real risk that one party is disadvantaged in their role within the family in the future. I don't mean to scare you but a thought I've had for my own STBX is what happens if rent prices got even worse? If she didn't own somewhere, she could face having to move hundreds of miles away from her family. I think it would be a moral outrage to do that to her, and if your ex was a real man he would too.

Interesting point about child support. Strangely my solicitor advised otherwise. It's may not be an issue as I will lose my job if my health gets worse and if it does none of this matters.
To be honest, I'm happy to walk away with nothing, although he's a very high earner, there's a big country house and a big pension.
If rental prices go sky high, I'll have to move in with relatives (I'm older than you!) but will be 3+ hours away from the children.
I don't want spousal - what's the point. But then this could reduce my CM payments - which he doesn't want me to pay in any case.

I'm not sure this is a good time for you to be making financial decisions. It's debilitating and hard going through this when you're firing on all cylinders.

@mirandaspanda

Okay, first of all, I'm not a solicitor so if I say something and they say something different, then they are right!

I did a little research and apparently child maintenance can be capitalised but it is extremely rare. And not rare like spousal maintenance. A lot rarer than that. The only case I can find included a litigious payer who lived overseas and kept failing to make payments. The child was also nearly 19 at the time so there was not much left to pay.

More generally, I just want to say I'm a bit worried for you and I don't think you're treating yourself right. Apparently if you accept a very unfair outcome, a judge might not even accept it so if you're just doing this to get it over with then maybe this is not the quickest approach. The quickest approach is a settlement that is fair for both of you.

You were the SAHP and your earnings have suffered as a result. In those two decades you both as an equal partnership built up those assets and any pension. You are entitled to at least half of it, maybe even 60/40.

If you want this solved quickly then I think you should at the very least ask for 50% of assets, 50% of pensions and nominal spousal maintenance. Then offer to drop the nominal spousal maintenance claim in return for him accepting CM as settled. Or have a term of spousal maintenance that matches off what you would be due to pay in CM. You would be making him an offer that he should bite your hand off for and a judge would probably nod it through.

Take care.