Amicable split and childcare falling apart. help please

[J208R]

So last night was the first night stbxh was supposed to have kids. He had already Rang asked me to collect them from school as he hadn't changed shift at work, them yesterday morning text to ask what's for tea. Trying to rise above it for the kids I agreed to collect and sorted dinner. He proceeded to come to the house whilst I was out collecting them so I came back to find him drinking beer in garden . I made dinner then went to my room to do some work giving him some time alone with the kids. This had been the plan for few week until children 7,10 felt comfortable me leaving them with him and he would have them in family home whilst I stayed at mums. He has left home renting room nearby so can't have them there. I came down to find him asleep on sofa kids getting themselve treats. I ntold them to wake him and said he was supposed to be spending time with them, then I went back upstairs. Once the football was over and I had put them to bed he started massive argument stated I was spying on him making notes on his behaviour etc. He wouldn't have me in the house with kids again. He left stuffing my childcare for this morning when was supposed to be in work at 6am he was supposed to take them to school. I feel awful I don't want to leave kids at all at nighttime they have both clung to me since told of split at weekend. Son will especially struggle without me here is not close to dad and as u see from behaviour he doesnt really engage with them . How do I help kids and me accept fact they will have to spend time and nights with him without me.? Wish I could go back say nothing but felt he was being unfair on them spending no time with them. Biggest fear is he will move back in house he did threaten it in argument. House is in joint names still, although I am paying all mortgage amicable split going downhill fast

So in order to be amicable, you have to do all the parenting, still cook for him and pick up slack parenting and he can just storm off?

Let me guess, you're divorcing him because he is useless?

I do think if he's supposed to be in charge, he's in charge even if he's asleep and they're eating treats. Just hide the treats better. They aren't babies so it will be OK. Ish.

OP given your comments about him potentially moving back in (and I understand that fear), I'm assuming you are married so he would have the right to do that? Are you getting divorced? If not, I would suggest that starts ASAP, you need to remove his right to move back in whenever he chooses and divorce / settling the finances is the only way without any kind of occupation order in place.

It sounds like a nightmare. He sounds like a total selfish arse. If this is what your marriage was like, I'm not surprised you are separating.
Could you suggest he sees the kids elsewhere, couple of hours at the park, etc for his contact time? Is there anyone else who can help you with childcare, grandparents etc? If sounds as though you will never be able to rely on him.
My XH is unreliable, I can't arrange anything based on him having our DS, and it really is hard but in a way, it's easier to just assume he's not going to help me and deal with things another way, than it is to try and make him be more reliable if you see what I mean?

Time to get tough. He is the children's father. It isn't a relationship as close as yours but the children are older. They will cope.

My ex was the same. He worked away most of the time. But when we split up I went straight to eow. The children were 5/10. It was all very exciting to start with. Take sways late nights and films. But they both soon got fed up with it and refused to go.

Arrange his contact away from the house. Every Saturday for example. Things are opening up now so he can make his own plans.

Start the process of separating. The children will adapted. And giving Them a home that is calm and safe will be the best thing you can do for them

The split is very fresh- you say it just happened at the weekend so there are going to be all kinds of teething problems at first.

Yes he shouldn’t have been asleep however I can see where he is coming from as you are in the house and he will feel checked up on.

Long term is he reliable enough to be there for the early work starts? If he isn’t I’d look for a childminder / au pair / nanny who is reliable.

The kdis needs time, they do need just time with their dad. Probably not at home out of the house so he is forced to actually spend time looking after them .

@J208R

With a dickhead like that you must have the patience of a saint to keep the split amicable.

I think Tiddleypops had the best suggestion. Make him take them out to a park or something so he has to engage. He clearly cannot be trusted near a fridge, a TV or a sofa.

Thanks everyone. Have filed
for divorce both agreed best way forward. he has agreed to it have just applied for nisi and emailed a solicitor to draft th consent order we agreed to. He want to see kids 1 day week 1 weekend in two. I am just grateful it isn't more .as I know he has right as much as is lazy arse. Don't feel I have a choice other than to let him have them in the house as still in both names and kids want to be at home with there cats. I will go stay at my mum's them nights. I should be able to buy him out as soon as consent order goes through court never wished time away soo much.