Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Parental alienation of stepchild

9 replies

btux · 07/07/2021 09:47

Hi,

I am in the process of a divorce. I have 2 children and 1 stepchild who is now 16, but I've looked after her since she was 7, including 100% of the finances for her. I have always seen all 3 children as my own.

Since I moved out of the family home 7 months ago, it has been very hard to keep up contact with my stepdaughter. When I do get time with her she is perfectly normal and affectionate, but when she is with her mum, she won't answer the phone or texts, and often gives ever implausible excuses for not being able to meet me. For example, once she told me she had a stomach upset and couldn't stay over. However when I saw her for something unrelated (taking her to an opticians appointment) she was happy for me to take her out for a meal, but had to rush back quickly to not get in trouble with her mum. In short, to meet with her I need a prearranged plausible reason such as optician/dentist/visiting sixth forms, etc, and then she is able to come. She has written me a letter a few weeks ago saying that she loves me and she misses me.

I have been the only person organising her healthcare, education and extracurricular activities for all these years.

My stepdaughter has not told me explicitly that her mum doesn't want her seeing me, but it is clear what is going on.

I also believe that her mum is telling her all kinds of untrue stories about things I am supposed to have done. However, I don't believe my stepdaughter would actually believe these things as they are quite far fetched.

The reason for the marriage ending was my wife having an affair for 2 years which came to light a couple of weeks before I moved out. My stepdaughter is fully aware of this. The affair affected the whole family even before I or my stepdaughter knew it was going on, as my wife became extremely neglectful of all 3 children and began to spend nights away from home on various pretexts, leaving my stepdaughter in charge of her younger siblings while I was at work.

My question is: for anybody who was on the receiving end of parental alienation as a teenager, what would you have wanted the alienated parent to do?

Clearly as she is not my biological daughter I have no legal recourse.

It is draining to keep sending texts and invitations that go unanswered. Should I continue?
Should I ask her to tell me whether her mum is denying contact?
Should I talk to her openly and explicitly about the alienation?
Should I ignore the topic but keep pushing and inviting her?
Did it bother you that your alienated parent continued to push for contact? Is it pestering?
How aware were you of the alienation? Did you reach a full understanding on reaching adulthood or only much later, in your 30s or 40s?
Did your relationship with the alienated parent ever recover? How did your relationship with the alienating parent develop over the years?

OP posts:
auberJohn · 07/07/2021 10:03

Watching this thread with interest, as I am in a similar (sinking) boat. Alienating parents are disgusting, psychologically damaging children to hurt the other parent and/or satisfy their own emotional needs.

I have been tempted to book an appointment with a psychologist that specialises in alienation of children to seek advice. Their advice is very expensive.

PicaK · 07/07/2021 13:41

Tbh you've put my back up with using "extremely neglectful" without evidence and pointing out "100% of the finances".

But to answer your question.
She's saying she loves you and she enjoys spending time with you. You seem to have quite a few solo outings which seem nice.
I think most people would struggle to get regular text responses from their kids. But it doesn't mean they don't enjoy receiving them.
Keep going, don't rock the boat, don't make it hard for her by focusing on your wants and needs.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/07/2021 06:44

I didn't personally suffer but parental alienation. But am a parent of a teen whose parents are divorced.
She is going to be struggling with her feelings her mum did a terrible wrong to you, but she is her mum. She knows you are not her biological father, but through your actions you have shown that being a Dad is not about biology.
Tell her you love and are always here, you support her and will always listen to her. Don't apply pressure let her make choices, but help her access everything you have always helped with.
Just keep showing her that your love is not going to disappear just because you split with her mum. This is a time in which the parental relationship begins to shift any way my DD is 17 now and at home she is mostly in her room and our relationship is mainly around grunts when I drive her to and from the station to go to college. We properly communicate when we go out for coffee or some lunch together.

vivainsomnia · 08/07/2021 10:24

I think you need to trade carefully assuming it's all down to her mum. It's highly plausible that she is just a typical 16yo, not too reliable, responding to contact when it suits, a bit manipulative and moody.

The more you push and infer it's all down to her mum, the more defensive she'll get. Keep the contact, on a regular basis but not too often.

Anonymouse5 · 15/04/2022 04:23

I'm in the same situation, except I'm an aunt and it's my sister who's doing this to my niece (with whom I share a close bond and love as though she were my own daughter).

I came to this site in search of the same questions you have asked.

I find some of the responses to this thread to be quite dismissive, as though your word and intuition about your step-daughter's change in behaviour is being imagined. But let me tell you, your post struck such a chord with me as I'm experiencing exactly the same things. Unanswered phone calls and messages, no longer comes to visit me. In my case this change happened overnight, after my sister cut off contact just because I challenged her for making a false allegation against me (a petty issue, unconnected to my niece). So I went from regular contact with my niece every week and being a big part of her life, to nothing.

In my case, I know that this is being caused by my sister alienating my niece, because my sister informed our mother that she was breaking off contact.

The alienation started in January. I managed to see my niece around a month after it started. She was happy to see me and we shared hugs and kisses. We chatted that day, like before, the same affection as though nothing had happened (her mother wasn't there). There was an elephant in the room (the issue of blocked contact) but I didn't want to force the issue, since my niece seemed to be fine and happy in my company. We agreed to contact each other via messages on a certain platform, but after that day I heard nothing and she stopped logging on to that platform.

This week, I managed to see my niece again (she was with her mother, and her grandmother [my mother] was also present). I called out to her so we could chat alone (my sister pulling a face) and my niece actually running away from me. I went after her and she eventually came with me but she didn't say a word to me, just wore a grumpy expression like she didn't want to be with me. The only communication I received was the slightest of nods when I told her that I would always love her.

I was concerned about the deterioration since I last saw her, but what was more worrying was my sister then coming up to me and accusing me of causing my niece to suffer a sleepless night (the day I had seen / spoken to my niece without her mother present). So my sister obviously used some form of coercion, or threat or manipulation to make my niece feel that way, because she had been happy when she left my company.

I'm torn between taking legal action (for a child arrangement order) to restore contact but a part of me fears that this will make matters worse for my niece, as my sister will undoubtedly double down on what she's doing. Furthermore, if contact was only resuming because of a court order, I fear that my sister would make the contact become an unpleasant experience for my niece, so that our happy memories together would be replaced by unpleasant ones.

For context: My mother and sister have a golden child / narcissistic mother dynamic, and I believe this is what my sister is trying to replicate in her own relationship with her daughter. My sister is highly manipulative, which is something I've had to deal with my whole life, as the scapegoat versus the golden child. So I'm very concerned about the impact this will be having on my niece and also whether this is likely to distort her views on what a healthy relationship looks like, and whether she has the defences to cope.

I was trapped in that golden child / scapegoat dynamic for most of my life, and I was gaslit by my mother and sister (both supporting each other) to believe that I was at fault or flawed in some way. They still do it, but I recognise it for what it is now, so I can call it out. At the same time, I know how badly it affected me at various points throughout my life, and I don't want that for my niece.

I know this is an old post, but I hope your situation improved OP.
Also, I would be interested to hear from people who were alienated as children, and the same questions the OP asked.

@btux

ClaryFairchild · 15/04/2022 06:10

@Anonymouse5 - honestly, I think you need to walk away. As sad as it is that you will lose that relationship with your niece, if not forever than at a minimum for a number of years, you are not the parent. You have no "rights", and you will just be tearing your nieces emotions to pieces of you keep fighting to see her. Let her know you love her, will be there for her if she ever needs you, but for both hers and your sake you need to step back because your sister/her mum will make it too hard for both of you.

And REALLY walk away from your sister. If you are still the scapegoat as an adult it will never change. Neither your sister nor your mum want it to change. For your sanity I'd suggest keeping your mum at arms length as well. If your mum gets nasty with you for it move further and further away, go low contact if you need to, no contact if it gets vicious.

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 06:16

@Anonymouse5you are unlikely to get an order for contact. Depending on the age of your niece.

liveforsummer · 15/04/2022 06:46

Tbh at 16 the step parent part isn't so relevant. You'd have no legal recourse for a biological child at this age either. I think you just need to keep the door and lines of communication open for her. At 16 many dc don't want to spend loads of time with either parent tbh.

liveforsummer · 15/04/2022 06:47

Goodness sorry didn't notice the date on this post before I responded

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread