Divorce application gone through and just mulling things this evening re sympathy

[gorngss]

I got the email that my application has gone through and they'll be contacting STBXH with a letter he has to acknowledge. So the wheels are finally in motion for the divorce and I feel a HUGE amount of relief that it's finally happening.

I also feel terribly sorry for STBXH. He has no life at all. Just works (from home even before lockdown so that's fifteen years of working from home) and then sits in front of the TV all evening and then goes to sleep. Every single day this is his life. Never goes out or sees friends or anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that sympathy isn't a reason to stay with someone (and I have no intention of staying with him) and during the long marriage there's been coercive control, paranoia that I'm looking at other men, domestic violence, emotional abuse, and being cut off from community/social life, so I can't wait to get away. But he seems to genuinely think that he's a great guy and I'm a fool who's giving it all up. Even the children pleaded with me for us to leave him, but he's blissfully unaware of that. At the start of our marriage he told me very proudly that his aunty told him to never allow me to go to work or he'll be sorry because I might run off with another man (the men in his family have a history of wives doing that to them, gosh I wonder why) and I wonder now years down the line if he feels it's worth it for losing his whole family for following the advice of such a dumbass (I don't blame just her, he was obviously dying to stamp his foot on my independence). I keep hoping he'll find someone and get married and be OK, but I am disappointed with myself for thinking that because it feels like I expect a woman to fix him. In reality he'll crush her spirit too and probably turn her into a friendless loner whose life is for serving him.

I don't know. I feel relieved and grateful (though I know the road is still long, but at least it's started) but also feel huge amounts of pity. Is this normal?

He’s obviously totally lacking in insight if he listened only to his auntie and not you. He couldn’t see what was happening to his own wife during his marriage and was unable or unwilling to do anything about it. He probably STILL feels the same way and will never deviate from the same path.

I have some similarities with your situation OP; my H is now 64 and is sat in an armchair all day every day. He has one or two family members still living who pretty much ignore him, and a few friends who only want to keep in touch with the odd facebook message. He wants to sit in front of the TV till he dies, the problem is he wants me to sit in the next room and do the same. He reckons he is an amazing family man; I have late teen DCs who have wanted us to split for years but he would say I put them up to it.

But yes I feel very sad for him; I have known this man since I was 16 and been together over 35 years. I don't want to see him sad and alone, and it would really upset the DCs. He still works part time and has hobbies so opportunities to meet people, rekindle old friendships and get out and about, but I don't think he will. We will be having the conversation about him moving to a flat soon I am dreading the hystrionics, I know he's going to play on the kids' feelings.

But yes, the thought of him being lonely is upsetting so I entirely get where you are at.

My exh is in a similar situation. He had hobbies, sees his family and our DD spends time with him but he seems to have no interest in a life outside of that.

I think we need to remember that these men choose to live their lives in this way. Yes it’s kind to have sympathy for them, but they could choose to live differently but they don’t.

My stbxh does nothing now. He will literally get up in the morning, shower, get a drink, goes in his office to work/game and re-emerges for food and the occasional lay down. He will cook dinner at times and has to do the school run on my office days but that is it. He has no friends, spends no time with us as a family and doesn't help around the house. I'm currently waiting with holded breath for him to realise I haven't done any of his washing in days. Cannot wait for him to get a place of his own and realise the grass is not greener on his own when he doesn't have me to tell him how things work, when he sees our girls eow and realises his life's crap.
Meanwhile I'll be getting my stuff sorted and working out life for me and our girls.

Thank you for your stories and I can hard relate to a few things in them. I guess ultimately it's better to feel sympathy and wish them well rather than be bitter about the past, so there's that.

@DishingOutDone how did it go when you told him?

Hi OP, sadly I haven't told him yet, I keep crunching the numbers and there isn't enough money for us to live separately but I am still looking for ways out. I might simply tell him we need to separate, but I am worried about the fall out.

Hi OP, sadly I haven't told him yet, I keep crunching the numbers and there isn't enough money for us to live separately but I am still looking for ways out. I might simply tell him we need to separate, but I am worried about the fall out.

I don't think that you have to worry about there not being enough money for you to live separately do you? I know it will be tough and there'll be some adjusting but I think that you just need to look at your own finances. Will be be entitled to UC or will you be able to work more hours?

I wouldn't worry about being sympathetic because in many cases men live like this because they feel like it's expected of them by their wives (at least when there are young children).

I'll give the male perspective when we are the breadwinner and there is a SAHM. If we go to work and it includes a commute and we are out of the house for 11-12 hours a day whilst SAHM is stuck at home with young children, then we feel far too guilty to then go off in the evenings and weekends to pursue friends and hobbies. We make do with the social side of the work day and the priority should be the SAHM getting an adult social life, not us.

Believe me, now it's all coming to an end I'll be ready to get out more but it will take time to build new friendships. I'll probably start with a few night classes when lock down is lifted a bit more.