Kitchen table agreement

[Febo24]

Hello!

I've had advice from a solicitor and she described the 4 ways to try and agree your financial settlement ready for the court order. In order from cheapest to most expensive, kitchen table (just us) financial mediation, solicitor, court.

We're going to have a go at kitchen table, but know that mediation would be next if we find it too difficult. And I'd definitely get it checked over by my solicitor.

Any tips? 50/50 as a starting point and I suggested we write out what we want, maybe email it ahead of time to get the negative reactions dealt with and come prepared.

@Febo24 sounds like you've done your research and are prepared. A lot depends on how reasonable your ex is towards finances. My STBXH wanted a kitchen table agreement, but I pushed for mediation (currently in process) as I know him well! He's what I lovingly describe as a "shiny shit" - he'll be all amenable on the face of it and then kick you when you least expect it 🙄 he's already backtracking on proposals he was in agreement with at our last session.

My advice would be to both complete a 'form E' and exchange it ahead of your first meeting. You'd need that anyone if you eve up at mediation and for your solicitor to write up your consent order. Good luck, keep us posted x

Hi, thanks for your response! That's definitely the type of advice I need, I'll sort the Form E.

I think he is a bit of a shiny shit too actually, and I'm stealing that! He still can't believe I won't lower my personal boundaries and standards so despite being a total shit to me, I think he's going to be a bit of a dick about all this. Having asked on her before, I'm thinking of honing in on the pension.

My divorce cost me £13000. I guess it would have cost my ex more as she hired a barrister to represent her in court.

The daft thing is we got exactly half the pot each. I would have settled for that 18 months earlier, if we could have got "around the kitchen table".

Ah yes, I think he's too tight to go down the solicitor/contesting route but you never know... I didn't know he was capable of half the things I found out so I guess we'll see. But he is a tight git.

I'm sorry you've had to waste all that money, is it all over now?

Just an impression, but seems that more cases head towards 50/50.

That still leaves questions about how to balance, for example, a house, savings and pensions.

The thing about kitchen table is your lack of legal knowledge. The road testing, stress testing of solutions you come up with,showing you potential pitfalls.
We did counselling - to thrash out our issues around residency and talk through our concerns and areas where we wanted to such we were being fair.
Then we swooped financial info. Kitchen table thing on WhatsApp.
Free discussion with my solicitor for half hour to confirm rough plans were sensible etc
Then we did mediation c£350 an hour. The miam took 1 hour each and our actual mediation took 1.5hours
Then off to the solicitor to get it written up and submitted to court for about 1k

The counselling really helped us focus on the kids and what was best for them tbh our families were both in a get as much as you can approach which wasn't helpful.

If you're interested in who I used pm me.

@Febo24 haha, steal away!

Form E is essential. Personally, I'd just go straight to mediation. You split the bill so it's nowhere near as pricey as each getting your lawyer to write to the others'.

My first session revealed my ex was paying HALF the CMS he should be, and asked the mediator if he could deduct the DC's pocket money from the increased CMS payments 🤦🏻‍♀️ ...This is an example of why a kitchen table agreement would not be in my best interests ....

This is really helpful, thank you!

I also listened to a podcast last night with Helen Thorn (one half of Scummy Mummies) who has been really vocal and real about her experience of divorce and she said that her husband approached it as if she was going to continue to be the people pleaser and fixer that she always was in the marriage. But instead, she stood up for herself and argued her case for what she wanted. It really resonated with me, I definitely think he expects me to take what is on offer for an easy life. So I'm going to do all my homework and really come prepared, but I'm starting to think mediation is the way, even if it's to get it checked and stress tested as you say.

The other thing she said was it was in mediation that she saw, through his bank statements, the extent of his affair.

I know I don't know the full story with my ex but I have seen some dodgy shit on a bank statement he downloaded.

You can always have an hour's appointment with a solicitor before discussing it with him, to give you an idea.

My STBX wanted us to do it ourselves because he is really cheap and did not want to "waste" any money, but I did some research and got really anxious thinking no way we know what we are doing, so I suggested mediation. We had two hours already but are not finished with MOA yet. I would say it was helpful, we decided to go 50/50, but the things is I believe that my STBX is hiding his investments and I told him that, but there is no way for me to find that out. Forensic accountants seem to be really expensive and everyone is telling me to avoid hiring them or lawyers unless I think he has loads of money (which I am not sure of) as it may not be worth it. It is hard if you are dealing with someone like that.

@loveyourself2020

If your STBX lies about his investments, then it invalidates the consent order and you could potentially go after him years into the future. Drop a hint and you'll probably find he becomes more honest.

@FutureExH
I did tell him at the mediation that I did not believe that he was honest with me and so mediator suggested I ask a lawyer to prepare a form my STBX would have to sign where he swears that he gave me full disclosure When we got home he told me, "although you do not deserve it I will give you an advice, do not do this, you are just wasting money". But he did not say that he did not have hidden money, he basically just said we will not find it. I am guessing that he moved it somehow, perhaps out of the country.

We are not rich people, working class, so we are not talking millions of dollars but still enough to make my DSTBX not to want to share with me.