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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Hes Got a Rental - Why do I Feel so Numb - Is This Normal

15 replies

Mummykins54 · 15/06/2021 11:49

Me and stbxh have been living in the same house pending separation.

He dumped on me on Saturday morning that he has a rental getting keys today. We have two kids aged 20 and 17. He works from home and wants DD to live with him during the day so she wont be alone all day. My son wants to split between us 4 nights me/3nights him.

Why do I feel so numb?? I know that it has to happen but I think the reality has finally hit me.

Is this normal and does it get better - really struggling with the family splitting

TIA

OP posts:
Smallredclip · 15/06/2021 11:53

He shared this on Saturday morning and he’s already got a house sorted? Cherchez la femme.

FortunesFave · 15/06/2021 11:53

What a wanker. What does DD think about living with him?

Original poster
Mummykins54 · 16/06/2021 11:52

DD who is 17 does not want to live with him 5 days a week - she would welcome some independence. She usually lies in late in the morning anyway and I would be home at 5.15. So it would be a mixture of going between both of us but nothing set in stone

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 16/06/2021 12:19

Sorry this has happened to you and it all sounds very planned and now you are having to play catch up.
At 17 and 20 your children can decide for themselves, luckily for you at their ages they can communicate with their df themselves. Quite surprised at their ages your dh is expecting shared care as they are at very independent ages now.
I would be concentrating on protecting yourself and spend time gathering info on your joint finances if you feel up to it.

BillMasen · 16/06/2021 12:48

@Smallredclip

He shared this on Saturday morning and he’s already got a house sorted? Cherchez la femme.
Really? They’re separated and have been stuck living together (not ideal) so he’s sorted a rental and told her Saturday

Nothing to imply anyone else. Or are you one of those who believes all men are cheating?

FortunesFave · 16/06/2021 23:00

@Mummykins54

DD who is 17 does not want to live with him 5 days a week - she would welcome some independence. She usually lies in late in the morning anyway and I would be home at 5.15. So it would be a mixture of going between both of us but nothing set in stone
He's dreaming! He thinks he can make himself feel better about leaving by having DD live with him...she's almost an adult!

What 17 year old can't be alone in the day anyway! Mine often is and she enjoys it!

GentlemanJay · 17/06/2021 12:34

Sounds like he's getting his future sorted. You need to do the same. Let the kids do what they want.

StoneColdBitch · 21/06/2021 09:12

At 20 and 17 your kids can make their own arrangements to see their dad. As child maintenance won't be payable for long, hopefully concerns about maintenance liability won't prejudice those arrangements.

With the greatest of respect, he's moving on with his life, which is appropriate and healthy. It's not "dumping" on you. You need to move on too.

Otter71 · 22/06/2021 09:07

I split when ds was 17 1/2. Maintenance was barely discussed. By his being 18 before things were sorted and saying he was staying with dad I was only entitled to need a 2 bed (me and younger DD) You do need to help the kids work out their long term plans though and prepare for them to change if and when one of you gets a new partner. My only advice would be if at all possible don't be pushed into not having enough room for the elder one. A year after I bought my own place I am looking at garage conversion and trying to work out how to pay for it 😫

Macaroni46 · 22/06/2021 09:12

Your feelings are understandable OP but he hasn't really done anything wrong?
You say you were living as a separated couple under the same roof which is never ideal. All he's done is taken things to the next stage and made arrangements to move on. As previous posters have said, you now need to do the same.
Rather than thinking of it as the family splitting up, try seeing it as a new arrangement.
As for your DC, they're old enough to make their own minds up as to where they'll be based.
It will get better OP, unless of course, you don't really want to separate?

Original poster
Mummykins54 · 23/06/2021 16:02

@Macaroni46

Your feelings are understandable OP but he hasn't really done anything wrong? You say you were living as a separated couple under the same roof which is never ideal. All he's done is taken things to the next stage and made arrangements to move on. As previous posters have said, you now need to do the same. Rather than thinking of it as the family splitting up, try seeing it as a new arrangement. As for your DC, they're old enough to make their own minds up as to where they'll be based. It will get better OP, unless of course, you don't really want to separate?
Hi Macaroni - I absolutely want to separate but after being together for 27 years in total it will be a total change of lifestyle. I just wondered how others had coped and is it normal to feel numb and even a bit disappointed that things didnt work put especially when the kids are almost adults x
OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 23/06/2021 19:17

Hi @Mummykins54
I do understand where you're coming from and yes it is normal to feel sad and numb etc. No one gets married to get divorced.
I wonder if maybe while you were all living under one roof it didn't really feel like you'd separated and now that he's moving out you're facing the feelings you'd, until now, been able to push to one side? Whilst living together you weren't on your own - now you will be. Whilst living together, the family appeared in tact etc etc
You will get through this and come out stronger and happier on the other side.
I've been there. Yes it's painful and yes it's hard but I have no regrets whatsoever.
Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk in more detail. Xx

Lonecatwithkitten · 25/06/2021 05:28

Whenever such a change happens it is hard. At the age your kids are it is completely up to them where and how they would like to spend their - tell that, support them in making their own decisions. In particular your DD him saying her being their to not be lonely is rubbish he is just trying to control her. She could be in her own home with a child if her life had been. Different.
For you the hard bit is making your own separate life, are you able to and do you want to stay in the family home? Are you working?

HelloDulling · 25/06/2021 05:44

I think it’s understandable to feel like this. Almost like splitting all over again.

Why is your DD home all day? Doesn’t she have school/college/work?

Original poster
Mummykins54 · 26/06/2021 01:13

@HelloDulling

I think it’s understandable to feel like this. Almost like splitting all over again.

Why is your DD home all day? Doesn’t she have school/college/work?

She has just finished high school - going to uni in September.

Macaroni thank you. He's been gone two days and I should be glad but after 23 years I feel numb and lonely. He still has to collect his stuff.

I am glad you have no regrets - I shouldnt either but at age 55 it is hard starting over again - our mortgage nearly paid- two kids on their way to adulthood. It is just so hard

OP posts:
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