Telling the kids - sooner, or wait?

[FedUpOfThisLife]

(Name changed as I suspect STBX stalks these pages)

I'm going through a protracted divorce, the financial situation of both myself and STBX means we've been living together still for the last 6 months as we can't afford to separate until our family home is sold.

I am very much of the opinion that the DC (11 & 9) should know what's going on sooner rather than later. They've been living amid the weirdness for far longer than necessary, and I don't want them to think that our relationship is in any way normal. I think it's quite potentially damaging actually.
STBX on the other hand thinks the opposite (as he does with everything at the moment) and is refusing to tell them until we've made a decision about the house sale, so we can tell them what the plan is. This could be months away :(

He is very controlling, which is partly why I'm divorcing him, and refuses to compromise. It's absolutely awful living with him, pretending everything is fine, not being able to explain to the DC what's going on. STBX thinks telling the kids now will 'damage' them and is 'not in their best interests' (the phrase he trots out to justify anything he wants to do).

Any helpful advice?

I was in a similar position but both of mine teens. I think I'd be inclined to tell yours. Mine knew something was up, and had known for a long time I think that things weren't right. I have always been careful, however to bite my lip and not say anything derogatory about their father. (Wish he'd done the same !!). If you haven't been to mediation yet then how/when to tell the kids might be something to discuss at mediation?

On the financial/house side... have you got legal advice on this? If you haven't, please do so : )

Good luck x

Yes we had our second mediation session yesterday, when I brought the issue up again. He flatly refused, thinks his opinion matters more than mine. So I'm stuck not knowing how to proceed without going round in circles.

@FedUpOfThisLife

Yes we had our second mediation session yesterday, when I brought the issue up again. He flatly refused, thinks his opinion matters more than mine. So I'm stuck not knowing how to proceed without going round in circles.

Did your mediator make any suggestion for a way forward for this?

Mine was fairly aggressive in attitude at mediation, and just wouldn't play ball, wanted to control the process, pushing for this and that and then not complying with what we were supposed to be doing.

When I said to the mediator separately that I was looking to get legal advice, she told me she thought that would be a good idea :)

If mediation isn't getting you anywhere, it might be worth getting legal advice and seeing how you wish to proceed?

Not really (I find her a bit useless). She said if we can't agree then we could look at asking a child psychologist/specialist for advice. STBX plays the 'damaging' card in order to trump everything I suggest. It's exhausting.

Well in the end I withdrew from mediation as it wasn't getting us anywhere. That might be worth considering?

@noideawhatusernametochoose

Well in the end I withdrew from mediation as it wasn't getting us anywhere. That might be worth considering?

I was thinking this after the first session but decided to give it another go. I've read in various places that mediation doesn't work when one partner is (emotionally) abusive, controlling etc as there is such a imbalance of power.

Maybe the only way to tell the kids sooner is to speed things up and reach an agreement asap