Child Arrangement Order - Final Hearing - Advice please!

[Splashingincuddles]

I am currently in the process of getting divorced and we have not been able to reach an agreement on child arrangements so a final Hearing is scheduled for Tuesday. I don't feel particularly well prepared for this and I am so nervous about whether the Judge will be able to see through my ex-husband's twisty and manipulative manner.

We have both submitted statements but it is so frustrating to see how untruthful my husband has been; he quotes things out of context, quotes partial text messages that therefore imply something that is the opposite of what the full text message would have, and blatantly lies! He says that we had 'discussions' and reached an agreement (we didn't) and has made me out to be an unfit mother due to a (well managed) health problem.

I left him due to domestic abuse (which he denies) and I got a no-notice Non-Molestation Order which then became an Undertaking on the advice of my solicitor. He is cocky about this, however, saying that it 'had no merit' which is why I accepted Undertakings.

He has continued to harass me since the evidence went in, so I know the Judge isn't going to take any of his most recent behaviour into account. The children suffer because of his behaviour during handovers and his obstruction of me trying to make plans for them (e.g. extra-curricular activities). Essentially, he uses them to punish me.

What makes me most anxious is that during a previous Hearing his solicitor said he wanted a full day's Hearing as he wanted 'the opportunity to cross examine the mother'. So this is what I'm asking about, really. How will I be cross examined? Will he try to trip me up and tie me up in knots (like my ex husband always used to do?) Any advice on how to deal with this, how to make the best impression and what I can do to ensure my children benefit from the absolute right decision being made?

I am not looking to stop my ex-husband seeing the children, but I have proposed an arrangement that would mean they spend the majority of their time with me, because I am sure as sure can be that that is in their best interests.

Thank you for any advice - would love to hear from you if you have been through a Final Hearing.

It sounds like the whole process has been tough on you. I 100% agree with if there's a better club/activity to do rather than child minder then I think it's important the kids go . Even more so given the last 18 months (covid) with not very much running for the kids in the way of activities. A normal parent (dad) would want their child in activity but the only thing I can think of is that maybe the childminder for that specific dad afternoon is a temporary thing for the dad? Or will dad always have to work on that day ?

The solicitors must be rubbing their hands together with them having to do comms on after school clubs... if it were me I wouldn't have battled it. Purely because it's so stressful and draining financially and emotionally. Then on my days do the fun stuff. The kids will eventually realise it's pretty boring and their dad is stoping them from doing activities

Good luck tomorrow

@Splashingincuddles How did today go? Hope you're OK.

@StoneColdBitch

He got his way. I’m so upset. Thank you for asking.

I'm so sorry

Did anything go as expected?

I hope you do appeal if your solicitor thinks it is appropriate..
My exh had the upper hand the whole way though even though in paper it was me at to be fair.
At 12+14 the dc went nc with him.
Do you see your ex managing to cope with young dc for the amount of time he got?

[quote Splashingincuddles]@StoneColdBitch

He got his way. I’m so upset. Thank you for asking.[/quote]
I'm really sorry to hear this. What does your solicitor think about what went on today?

And I'm sorry if I sounded like a dick yesterday in pointing out that some of what you did might be challenged in court. I just wanted you to be forewarned that it might be, and that you might have to compromise on things.

Did you get anything you asked for?

I'm sorry things haven't gone well. Hopefully there is something your solicitor can suggest.

Oh Splash. I'm sorry. What specifically is it that's upset you? We can maybe try and reframe it for you to make you feel better?

Thank you. The judge didn’t appear to take anything in the statements into consideration, and we weren’t cross examined. It was a very ‘black and white’ decision - he ordered my ex’s proposal as it would mean one fewer day where the children were taken to school by one parent and collected by the other. My ex lied and said he can do the school run, which he can’t due to his work, and the proposal includes 6 consecutive nights per fortnight where my children won’t see their mum.

My ex is an abusive, smarmy, manipulative, aggressive and impatient liar who doesn’t wash the children, sort their homework or replace their clothes. I got a no-notice non-molestation order (what does that tell you?!) yet none of this was considered.

I feel like there’s no justice, no fairness and the reasonable party does not win. But overall, I am so upset for my gorgeous children.

I'm sorry to hear this. I imagine how upset you must be right now for you babies. You must be feeling so raw right now. The system is unjust and unfair. I know first hand, as I tried for relocation. I'm in a country I don't even want to live in, let alone raise my children. It will be a crap few days but the edge will come off, eventually. I feel for you

Sadly ime you need to step back and watch him fail. Even though your dc will suffer short term.
Do not deviate from the schedule even if it is to benefit the dc. You need to show moving forward that he isn't managing.
Then your legal team step in.

You poor thing

How can this happen?

What can you do next?

I’m going to just get on with things and wait for him to fail. I think when he actually receives the order on paper and thinks it through he’ll realise what it actually entails and how difficult for him it will be.

My main argument was that he can’t do after school care but in the hearing he suddenly announced that he can. His barrister wasn’t even aware of that. The order will specify that he can’t use childcare on his days so I think when he receives it he might rethink things.

I’ll play the long game and in the meantime enjoy my time with my children.

@Splashingincuddles

I’m going to just get on with things and wait for him to fail. I think when he actually receives the order on paper and thinks it through he’ll realise what it actually entails and how difficult for him it will be.

My main argument was that he can’t do after school care but in the hearing he suddenly announced that he can. His barrister wasn’t even aware of that. The order will specify that he can’t use childcare on his days so I think when he receives it he might rethink things.

I’ll play the long game and in the meantime enjoy my time with my children.

Why does the order specify he can't use childcare? That's unusual.

@StoneColdBitch

Because he assured the judge on the day that he didn’t need to. That he could facilitate.

How old are the kids? This sounds fairly close to 50:50? I think the best you can do for your kids is to help them learn to look after themselves as much as possible.

Op it sounds like you’ve had a dreadful time of it, I’m sorry you didn’t get the outcome that you’d hoped for.

My experience of what’s agreed in court and what actually happens after the dust has settled are two completely different things. Document everything you may be able to go back for a variation of the arrangements aren’t working.

[quote Splashingincuddles]@StoneColdBitch

Because he assured the judge on the day that he didn’t need to. That he could facilitate.[/quote]
Sounds like the judge has very conveniently set him up to fail. That's good in the long term.

Wonderful advice above... Perpetuate the cycle of acrimony so that co-parenting fails. That will be great for welfare of the children.

Hi I was wondering what was your outcome. Unfortunately my ex took me to court today over bloody Xmas day. He represented himself. Does seem to have very disorganised solicitor. Who send information across and even double booked herself today. Then he kept going on ranting away even saying he hates me. Wants third party involved during all handovers. I just found his lies his behaviour astonishing tbh. From that it given me hope for our final hearing over our 2 year son. As he wants 50% but doesn't bother 50% of the time when he supposed to see him on a Sunday

Doesn't send information off