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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Would you help your STBX?

19 replies

JustLookingforAnswers · 05/06/2021 08:38

Our financial order has been approved (hurray!) and all that is left now is to apply for decree absolute and get going with the house move. The plan is for him to buy me out and I have found a property nearby so the changes for our DS would be minimal and we are trying to work together to make this transition as easy as possible.

STBXH is now saying he might not have enough funds/borrowing potential to keep family home so might need to sell etc. As a way to keep things as they are and support my little one, I am considering lending him some money and/or taking a smaller share of the financial division so he can stay in this home.

Part of me thinks it is the right thing to do if it means my child stays in a familiar environment half of the time with his dad and then I'm just up the road. No changes to area, school, etc.

The other part finds it unfair that I am already taking what a believe the be a lower equity in the home, and might now give him extra money. Although I'm younger and earn much more (but not really a very high earner) my reason to divorce is due to his emotional abuse, always making me feel like the worst person in the world. Although lately he is better and we are getting on ok to make this process less painful, I don't think I will ever forget some of the things he did and said to me.

What would you do? Of course I'm trying to put my child first which is why I'm considering taking less money out of this divorce.

OP posts:
ToastieSnowy · 05/06/2021 08:41

Absolutely not. He’s an adult who can sort himself out, you need to put your child and yourself before him.

You had to get a financial order in your divorce. The court decided what was in best interests. Your ex is trying it on.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/06/2021 08:55

Don't do it. This is the one time in your life to be completely selfish and ruthless - the financial deal you negotiate in this divorce will impact you for decades.

flummingbird · 05/06/2021 08:56

Oh god not a chance. Your little one will absolutely cope if he ends up selling and moving. Don't give him money!

DinosaurDiana · 05/06/2021 08:56

No, no, no. He sorts himself out. Don’t get sucked in by his pity party.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 05/06/2021 09:15

As others have said, absolutely not! If he knows how to be emotionally abusive then it's not out of the realms of possibility he's being emotionally manipulative. You're a good person for even considering it but this is about you and your life moving forward, children are resilient your boy will be fine ❤️

DinosaurDiana · 05/06/2021 09:32

Now you’re moving on from his emotional abuse, he might be moving onto financial abuse so that he can continue to control you.
Please make a total break, he is an adult who needs to sort himself out.

JustLookingforAnswers · 05/06/2021 19:00

Thank you everyone! I'm such an emotional wreck at the moment I cried reading your comments 🤦🏻‍♀️❤️

I just want this to be over, not have any more stress and not feel so shit about myself. Really looking for a way to avoid more confrontation, something I really don't like. Also, for whatever weird reason, I sometimes feel sorry for him. But I totally shouldn't as he can be SO nasty!

Thank you for your responses; let's see what he says for himself x

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 05/06/2021 19:04

Nope I wouldn’t do that, no way.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 05/06/2021 19:07

He’s trying it on. Don’t believe his pity party got a second.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 05/06/2021 19:09

Btw when the pity party doesn’t work he’ll try the other two channels. Rage or charm.

Rage you know what that is, charm will be where he’s friendly and “do you remember the good times”.

He’ll flick between the three channels trying to get his way.

Now you know what to look out for.

Aprilwasverywet · 05/06/2021 19:10

May be easier for dc to have 2 new homes than stay in one without you...

MadeForThis · 05/06/2021 19:10

Don't believe him for a second.

Roodicus21 · 05/06/2021 19:12

No don't do it. Would he do the same for you?
Is there any way you can buy the family home if there's equity and you earn more than him?

JustLookingforAnswers · 05/06/2021 19:49

@Aprilwasverywet that is a very good point! Although chances are he won't be able to afford a house so would be a massive downsize and dc would lose out. At least the place I'm buying has a garden, not huge but an outside space for the little one to play.

@Roodicus21 I could buy him out but he says he wouldn't allow that as I never cared for the house or looked after it as well as he did so he wouldn't want me to have it. He would rather lose it.

You are all right, he is probably putting it on. I should also remember that whilst he has now agreed on shared custody, not long ago he was threatening to take my child away saying I'm not a good mum and should only see dc every other weekend. He probably wouldn't do it for me, he said before that since I'm the one who decided to leave, he doesn't care and I should just go, etc etc plus a lot of other lovely stuff (much worse than this) he has frequently said to me.

Why oh why do we put up with this nonsense in life?! Sorry, had to vent! x

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 05/06/2021 20:13

He's abusive. Don't forget that. It's all about winning. Please don't believe his lies.

Aprilwasverywet · 06/06/2021 22:04

Downsizing won't damage your dc. Dc don't care as much about 'stuff' as you may think.
My exh threw ££££ at dc. No rules. No boundaries.. I barely scraped by. No WiFi at first! No holidays. No flash TV /games consoles.
Guess who dc live ft with?
Guess who they went nc with?
Being the stable loving one is all that really matters.

pointythings · 07/06/2021 17:19

Nope, don't do it. If the house has to be sold, so be it. You'll end up being the one your DC spends the most time with anyway, that's usually how it ends once these men see you aren't falling for the BS.

JustLookingforAnswers · 12/07/2021 22:09

Hi, writing again on my own thread as I'm losing it!

My now ex husband (hurrah at least something positive, I'm now officially single!) has now said that it is definite that he needs to sell the house and can't afford to stay in this area so he will need to move. Where? He has no idea! 🙄 but far from here and somewhere cheaper.

He says he will need to go and DS will go with him. That is my first and main issue. Only option really is to apply for a child court order but even then, I don't want my child being driven far away between parents to be able to see both of us.

The solution he has proposed is that we stay in the same house until son is 18. That is 12 years away! I laughed in disbelief. I do think he might be desperate now for even suggesting this or it is another controlling behaviour. Or both.

Not sure what to expect from this thread, just venting I guess. This is way too hard! x

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 12/07/2021 22:14

Omg that's mental. So sorry to hear that he's turning this into a tortured Saga. I have no experience or advice but just wanted to offer you a handhold and bump your thread for wiser contributions. What a dreadful man he is willing to affect his sons life like this.

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