Newly exhausted single mum looking for top tips/advice?

[Adagioforstings]

I'm pretty new to this. I became a single Mum 3 months ago and now seem to be experiencing some form of burnout. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. All blood tests are fine, but I do suffer from a chronic condition and the main side effect is fatigue.

My kids are 7 and 2.
They are both extrovert whilst I'm very introvert. The eldest doesn't stop talking and the youngest is having lots of tantrums. Both kids seem to be high maintenance when I compare them to other kids I know. They're lovely but so very demanding. I feel like I might keel over a lot of the time.

Their Dad has a busy job so I'm doing all school runs, he sees them twice for dinner during the week, he also puts them to bed at the family home on those nights and has them for 24 hours over the weekend. I work part-time too and DC2 attends nursery on those days. I wouldn't want to be away from them more than this and it will get easier when the youngest begins preschool in a few months time, but I feel like I'm treading water most days.

My parents moved 300 miles away 2 years ago so I'm very much on my own in terms of childcare. I have friends but I've been so busy with DCs that I've barely kept in touch with them lately.

When I'm on my own, I long to go swimming, hiking, out for drinks, but all I want to do is sit in a warm bubble bath embracing the quiet. I also end up spending the time cleaning the large family home that we are still living in. One of the first things I want to do after DC2 begins preschool is sell the house and buy something much smaller for myself and DCs if I can afford it. DH has offered to pay for us to stay here, but he can be very suffocating and I need a clean break, I want to be independent.

I'm worried about how long I can manage like this this.

What are your top coping tips?

Get a cleaner. Seriously- you are parenting for two don’t end up cleaning for two as well.

Use every second of your free time for yourself. And reconnect with your friends- it’s a different kind of tired and will do you the world of good.

Go out on the nights ex husband is putting the kids to bed even if you just have a walk or a coffee.

Good luck and look after yourself- it gets a lot easier as they get older

Hi. I'm newly separated too. About 5 weeks and husband has moved out. He does one 5 school runs a week. My kids are 8 and 4. He has them 8-8 saturday. I started off not really wanting a minute away from the kids but I'm now wanting ex to have them 1 night a week. I too have loads of plans on my day off and when it gets here I just want to lay on the sofa. I also wanted to move to a smaller house but am staying in the family home incase custody becomes an issue. Ex originally wanted 3.5 days but barely does his 8-8 in Saturday at the moment. I also have a chronic condition called crohns and havent been well but luckily I'm on steroids which gives me some energy.

I dont know the answer as I'm in the same place. I just get through each day and look forward to Saturdays.

I agree with seeing friends too. It really gives me such a boost when I get the chance to have a chat.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this too @pleasebe2022. It must be extremely difficult to manage the situation alongside crohns.

I too want to increase the hours exD has DCs. It doesn't help that he will often come over to my house to cook/give them dinner on one of his evenings, so I don't get the short break that I probably need to get me through the rest of the week.

I often plan to go out, but feel too tired or haven't been able to due to bad weather/covid restrictions etc.

I think my DH taking over a couple of school runs would help but not sure how his work would allow for it. I might look at wrap around care to give me a breather.

It does get easier, and I would recommend if you can afford it:

• Cleaner
• Gardener
• Massage
• concentrate on your health as much as the kids
• Friends - they pull you through when the going really does get tough
• Nights off without the kids
• Lists - the urgent important stuff at the top, followed by the nice stuff, and the can wait at the bottom - this keeps you organised

It gets easier - but it takes effort to get it right for you.

Bedtime routine
Stick to it
Not too late bed for them so you have time for you

My 8 year old has sleep issues and we go to bed together at the same time. I really miss some time to watch tv on my own.
My ex comes to my house to do everything with the kids so I dont get the break either. I'm usually having to help as well..I do try and take my dogs for a walk when hes here which helps.
I've been rearranging the house since hes gone and at first I rushed to get loads of jobs done on a Saturday. But last week I was shattered and I laid on the sofa watching films until 1pm when he took them out at 10am..I felt guilty but I really needed it. All the house stuff can wait.

What I do do when he has them is prioritising stuff I cant do easily when they are around like watch a film or walk the dogs or see friends. That really helps..

It sounds exhausting that you have to go to bed with your 8 year old @pleasebe2022 💐.

I hope to have a clearer distinction between my time with DCs and DHs time with DCs soon. Is that a possibility for you?

I am in almost identical situation. I'm stuck in a big family home managing it alone which in itself is very tiring and expensive. I dream each night of selling and moving to a small home. It's on the market so fingers crossed

I have 4 and the school run and pack lunch life admin takes are so tiring my ex does no school runs. Its draining.

I'm exhausted.

I work part time and do a full time degree the pressure in me at times is immense. If I had a smaller home I could work less and concentrate on the degree. I pray it happens soon.

Advice I have for u is
Lots of early nights when you can this helps me to recharge and also sleep through sad feelings.
Lotsbof hot baths reading a trashy magazine or book. Relax. Face masks etc.
I've started planting bits in the garden and have enjoyed making things flourish when all else seems broken.
Have a clear out of the home will help with the sale and keeps you busy.
I like to exercise dog walks and running or even a fitness dvd at home.. Makes me feel instantly better for a short while.
I have had counciling that helped the most.
Be selfish when the kids are out do things you like and not clean the house for them to come back and trash. So I shop I date I go for hikes. Long runs. Lie in.
My ex hasn't stepped up to his childcare agreement so I am doing all the holiday and my advice is get out each day even a park and a picnic is cheap but makes a huge difference to everyone s mood.

Also my ex come here a lot to care for kids and I've started to push back on that. Once I have my own place it will we a straight out no to this but as he still owns this place with me it's a bit of a delicate one.

Ive deprioritised the normal housework. Im clearing stuff out and selling it and that makes me feel ive achieved something so im focused on that. I went swimming yesterday when ex was here and that made me feel much better for a while.

I work full time as well in a very demanding job. Im in IT and have been home based since covid which has helped. Im not sure how i will manage when i have to go back in the office.

My ex has got a flat and he was supposed to have the kids 1 night a week and the following full day but he hasnt got beds yet. Its been 6 weeks ish. He is suffering from depression and says he cant get motivated to sort his flat out. Its hard as when hes here he sits on the sofa and is on his phone and the kids just come to me for stuff. Its important i go out when hes here. He does take them out somewhere for the day but usually is only gone 10-4.

I have learned that the second he leaves the house i need to sit down and watch a film. Dont get on with the tidying. Really prioritise stuff you cant do with kids there when the ex takes them out.

I hope eventually to have the kids ready at 8am and they just go with him and come back 8pm.

A cleaner and gardener are a must whilst you get you head sorted. The hours I got back is worth the money. When the children were small we used to play the tidy up game early evening to turn the chaos of daytime into dull free space. We had big toyboxes and everything got thrown in them so there was space. I'm rubbish at hand eye coordination but I could bounce those cuddlies off the wall and I to the toy box like a pro. As an extrovert I understand the need to talk but as an introvert you need time when you don't people. You have a lot to process and if rubbish telly, long baths and sitting in the garden on your own with a cup of tea are what you need now do it. It won't be like this forever so plan for the next six months and review in five.

Adult space not dull but actually dull is good. Brain needs dull!

Hang in there... it does get easier in terms of adapting. Self care is key - who cares if you just recharge and rest?!
Gawd... tips: I’ve learnt to meal plan and thibk ahead about what’s for tea as this gives me more time to myself in the evening, get an evening routine going to get them ready for bed, ditch as much ironing as possible, cleaner if you can, at least one night out with friends if doable, baths, books, and try to do one ‘big’ thing like clearing clutter from a cupboard each week so you get a sense of achievement.

I’m three years down the line and would honestly say I’m only just working out what works to make it easier (obviously the pandemic didn’t help but you get the gist)

You are doing great - a day at a time!