Please help, is this a normal thought process?

[Onthedoubleline]

Sorry this is one of my first proper threads. I’m 34 with 2 fairly young children. I am a SAHM and have little career behind me. I wanted to ask if this cyclical thought process was normal:

I can be fine for a few months at a time, plan things for the future and feel settled - but then a wave of negative thought washes over me for a few weeks at a time. I’ll be looking for documents to photocopy, putting imaginary plans in place to leave my husband and start afresh. I can’t really be affectionate during these times as I’m obsessing over my life and my future without him. I feel very very stuck and like I’ve built my own cage. My husband is a wonderful person and a brilliant dad.

So WTF is wrong with me 🤦🏼‍♀️

This eventually dissipates back to ‘normality’ for anywhere between 4-12 months before starting all over again.

You are bored shitless as a sahm and en route to depression. Think about what career interests you. Chat honestly with your husband about how empty and desolate you feel and explain what support you need. (don't mention the leaving him thing)
Don't worry about kids in childcare - they'll love it. Don't take any bs from anyone to the contrary.
Get your life back.
Do not hope this will go away, plod on without change etc. You'll go mad (Been there got the t-shirt).

It does sound like you feel 'stuck' based on the cyclical nature of this. While I wouldn't assume that being a SAHM isn't for you, if you do end up leaving your husband, presumably you'd be looking for work. Maybe a change in this area now would be a win/win. You're prepared if you're still unhappy, or you might not be unhappy with more outside of the family.

If you are in a good place for up to a year at a time, and have 2 small children, life has been in total upheaval. Don't rush into anything, but start building something to protect yourself in either scenario. Good luck!

How are your periods/hormones?

Have you thought about what you'd like to do career wise?

@PicaK You are right I’m probably bored, I have depression and anxiety but I’m on medication. I don’t fantasise about other men, I just fantasise about another life. My kids are 5 and 8

@TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom thank you 🙏 they are probably too old now to consider it’upheavaI’ I suppose but I think I will start looking for a part time job. I have a semi-pro hobby that I do want to keep time for if I can 🤦🏼‍♀️

@AlmostSummer21 Hi, good question, but I have a condition (don’t want to out myself) which means I’m on hrt with no natural hormones. My libido got up and left the building by the time I was about 27. I have no idea what to do with myself, I feel overqualified and yet useless 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hey OP, sorry you’re stuck in this on off turmoil. I honestly feel I could have written your post. I’m 35, have 2 kids, 7 and 3. Left work to study full time but have had to go part time because of the school closures last term. I fantasise about being on my own with the kids too, go on right move looking at houses in the price bracket I could possibly afford on my own... go on the separation board on here a lot ... etc. ..
For me it also is a pattern or something, this time last year I felt very committed to the relationship but I find that when I’m not working our dynamic seems to change or I get low in mood more and it just doesn’t feel worth it, lots of low level conflict, resentments between us. I know in my own relationship there is a history of an unhealthy dynamic . I feel criticised a lot but we have a strong identity as a family of 4, have great times together etc. I do deep down believe I would have left him by now if we didn’t have the kids... I’m not sure whether any of that bears similarity to your own situation , perhaps it is v specific to mine.
I empathise with the feeling of being stuck. It’s just awful. And then when things start to feel ok again it’s like ‘ what’s going on! Can I not even trust my feelings and thoughts any more because they are so changeable’.
I have no real advice as am in a similar spot. All I’d suggest is to notice when things feel more ‘ok’. When I think about improving financial stability and independence I feel like I’m getting somewhere as I don’t have independent access to money right now really. Have to ask my partner and pretty much argue the validity of what is needed by me/ the kids. And I hate that.
Also i have found discussing my doubts about the relationship with a close friend v helpful to discharge some of the pent up stuck feeling and frustration.

I could have written this post many times over the past decade (or more) - I'm still in this cycle. I have no advice but I wanted to say you're not alone.

Oh @beltanelove it’s identical, almost blueprint to my own cyclical thinking. I guess you are also wondering how on Earth to move one way or the other. I listened to Mira Kirshenbaum about 3 times but I can’t commit to anything, either good or bad! Aaarghhhh I think the financial independence is going to be so important to us both, I feel trapped rather than choosing to be with him, I think. Then I just think I’m having a fantasy chat about a fantasy thing that isn’t actually my own life. But it is 😭 thank you for replying it means a lot x

@scaredsadandstuck I’m so sorry to hear that, ten years is a LONG time. I think I’ve been genuinely feeling this about 4 years. Do you think your fog will clear one day? X

I have two application forms for part time card work! X

Care even 🤪

Dear OP, perhaps this is the case of mental health problems, in which case you should definitely talk to you doctors to see if they can help. Otherwise, no matter what the reason, you are clearly not happy in this relationship and want out. I would definitely consider it. I did read some posts recently where people manage to "work things out" and learn how to be happy again, but for the most part, I think, it does not happen. Once you start wanting to get out, over the years, you will be wanting it more. Is this the way to live life?