Separation

[Dazed24]

Hello everyone - first post for me and apologies in advance, I am male 😁

I recently told my wife I was unhappy and thought we should separate. Together for around 25 years, married for nearly 16, one DD who is nearly 7.

I am not perfect at all, am not violent, abusive etc…..all of the red flags - they are not me. I am just unhappy, I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, we are good friends but we are not husband and wife. I know I don’t engage in the relationship in the way I should as a husband. Intimacy and sex is non-existent - I have absolutely no desire or interest in this with her and she no longer tries. It has been at least 5 years since we had any form of intimacy. I the roles are slightly reversed for me - I do the majority of the housework that gets done, I am proactive with all of this and just get it done. My wife is not at all proactive and lets me do it, only saying I’ll do it when I have already started!! This just makes me angry and frustrated and has pushed me away from her even more. I just don’t want to live that way anymore.

I think I am a good Dad, heavily involved with my daughter and it wouldn’t be easy at all to be separated from her in the sense of not living under the same roof.

My point is that I feel I have said somethings out separation and it’s like I never said anything! it has now gone very much quiet on the separation front - nothing is brought up by my wife, if I bring it up I am blindsiding her etc etc. But I’m ready to do this, as hard as I know it will be, I’m ready. Emotionally I have completely left the relationship but I don’t want it to deteriorate and I want us to be amicable as best as possible.

I’m a bit lost at this point with what to do….possibly looking for a female perspective on this!

I’m rambling now so will give it a rest 😀

You need to bring it up again
It may take action for it to sink in for her - my husband was the exact same and would act like I hadn't said anything
Give her warning in advance when you are going to talk about it rather than spring it on her
I think the problem is you have processed it but she may have a long way to go so be patient

Thank you for responding, it’s helpful to hear other people’s experiences.

I think you are right about the processing aspect - this is probably accurate.

And yes I think planning in advance is the fairest way to do things

It can be useful to see a marriage guidance counselor together to guide you through separation.

You will need to persist. I unfortunately wasn't strong willed enough band it took 18 months from when my ex said he was leaving to when he actually moved out. I couldn't get him to commit even though he was the one who brought up ending things.

It might help if you had a clearer picture of how you want the future to look and you can try to make that happen.

Thank you, I think I did need a clearer plan as well which I have started to think about more - finances, where I would live etc.
I think it is hard when one brings it to the table, the other kind of agrees that things aren’t right or sustainable but seems happy to just bumble along. I just don’t want to do that anymore as life really is just too short to be so so.

I will need to persist - I see that now and that is hard as you feel like the real shitbag!!

When you say give warning in advance, do you mean literally booking time in so it happens?

I am trying to approach this from my perspective but also from a female/the other person perspective and how it might feel.

I know how you feel. I'm in the exact same position. He actually left last year but he's now back. Trying his best to make this marriage work. It's not happening sadly though. I wish you all the best and keep strong.

Thank you - this is way out of my comfort zone and it’s hard to be strong for myself. Always thinking of others - one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses at the same time I guess

@Dazed24

When you say give warning in advance, do you mean literally booking time in so it happens?

I am trying to approach this from my perspective but also from a female/the other person perspective and how it might feel.

Yes I would say literally state a time and day Oh and get used to feeling like a shitbag - comes with the territory I'm afraid but actually it did help with compromising / letting things go that weren't that important to me The way I saw it was I am causing this massive change in life therefore I have to take it on the chin and suck it up but also had to drive it because it was me that wanted it and I think actually that's fair enough to a certain extent. A plan is important for your own health of mind - put it into steps and you can take each step at a time If she won't engage tell her what step you will be taking and when - to give her fair warning

Hi @Dazed24
Sorry you're having to go through this, it's not nice and definitely not easy.
If you can work out a plan, what would be her concerns? Money? House? Childcare?
Without presuming what she may or may not be ok with, it might help to give her some reassurance that she'll be ok and you'll still be an active Dad and you're not abandoning your responsibilities.
Also, it doesn't have to be instant unless you both want it to be. I read lots of examples where couples live together for quite a while (somewhat amicably) before actually divorcing.
Good luck